I have been sooo sensitive here for the last...few days. I just feel like everyone's critisizing me. All these people whose lives are in place seem to be telling me how fucked up mine is. It's probably just me and a level of jealousy that I have a broken home already and have to start this thing out alone.
I guess I have been complaining a lot but I think I have earned complaining rights. I never complain. I have always kept on trucking. I like to stay busy. I can't do that right now.
Instead of support from my partner, I get to do it all by myself. Everyone else has/had someone to rub their back and their feet and tell them everything will be okay. They actually think everything will be okay, even if it won't be. Me, I don't know. They get to take turns waking up with the baby. I get to do it all myself and go to school. Not that my mom hasn't helped a LOT...it's just not the same as it being the person I made my baby with. That's hard to come to grips with.
I'm sure that's why people are offering all this unsolicited advice...I'm complaining about how I wish the baby would get here and it's hot and I'm uncomfortable and bored. They are trying to offer solutions. But I think I have to be here. I get to be vulnerable and emotional and a WRECK for the first time in my life. I have TIME to be a complete wreck. And out of it I expect to heal, which I have never been able to do in my life. I get to feel this time. It's definitely scary and emotional, but it will pass.
I have continued to have symptoms that I'll be in labor soon...but still nothing. This is the waiting game. I'm glad she's baking still though, because when I left Tobey I thought the stress I was under would make her come early and not be healthy enough. I was so scared for her and I didn't feel like I was being a good mom by allowing us to be in that situation for so long. I think I did the best thing and now I'm more confident that she'll be healthy and happy. As long as she wants to stay in there she can. Now I know she'll definitely be born in July. I'll have to change the name of this blog soon to "Writings of a New Mom"!!
The title of this blog comes from a new song from Eminem, Love the Way You Lie. It's a pretty emotion-ridden song and it reminds me of Tobey and I. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suf0t5gnvT0 is the link.) I think he's the tornado and I'm the volcano. This whole thing came out of two people whose lives were a wreck who expected to make it all work without knowing each other and ourselves.
I cannot wait to be a mommy...I have wanted this since I was three. I keep being told I'll miss her being in when she's out, and maybe that's true. But I don't think so. I LIKE the thought of waking up with her (even if I do have to do it alone) and taking care of her and helping her grow. I can't wait to breastfeed or to watch her discover new things. Plus I don't really think pregnancy agrees with me, at least this one hasn't. I am much better when I can be super active and ride horses. I can't wait to see the little person she becomes....I just don't see missing being pregnant. I can't wait to do this. Maybe my next pregnancy will be better because I'll ride and actually have a supportive partner whose there the whole time. Maybe I won't be sick the whole first trimester and part of the second.
6.27.2010
Still no news
So now is what I've heard described as the "banging your head against the wall" period. I've had some minor indications that labor could be getting closer, but none that has turned into anything. I've had lower back pain, stomach tightening (Braxton Hicks, and pretty close together too! Some have even been stronger than others, but there's been no regular rhythm.), pelvic pressure, cramps, and the whole nesting thing is kicking in.
Speaking of nesting, yesterday I had an urge to clean and oil my saddle of all things. WOW. I haven't touched it in, like, a year. Whyyyy now? LOL. This morning I vacuumed my room. Twice. With two different vacuums.
All I can say is that this had BETTER not last for three weeks. I'll be pissed. I am being teased by my own body and I don't like it! LOL
I'm scared that I won't be ready and that I won't be good enough to be a good mommy. I'm afraid of post partum depression. I have some known risk factors. Being unsupported by my partner, going through a seperation, having suffered from depression pre pregnancy, unplanned pregnancy...just to name a few.
I am afraid that I won't be able to accomplish my career goals the way I want to...or that I'll be so caught up in trying to do that that I will miss my children growing up. I guess one reason why I like the thought of finishing having babies by 26 or so is because then I can focus on having my babies, weaning them, THEN trying to have the high-powered career rather than doing it all at one time.
I just hope I will be able to find a balance.
The uncertainty having to do with Tobey is stressful to think about too. I want one or two more children and I want to be done having children in 5 years. So, either Tobey REALLY has to step up to the plate or I need to move on and find someone who wants the same things I do and is ready to have those things SOON. I guess in the next year I will find out which way it is going to go.
It will definitely be a crazy ride, this next year. I can't wait to be a mommy already! I have been waiting for this since I was 3 years old and playing house!
Aaaaand the waiting continues...
6.25.2010
Tuesday Dr. Appointment/Updated Birth Plan/Other News
On Tuesday, I had an appointment at the OB's. He guessed that the baby is about 6 1/2 pounds at this time and he also said that I was 1 cm dialated and about 80% effaced. So now I'm just waiting. She could come today, or she could come in 3 weeks. This feels ridiculous...at this point I'm just waiting, waiting, waiting...
I am happy she's healthy though. Her heart beat is 140 beats/minute and she tried to hide from the doctor's doplar! HAHA! He got a heartbeat right away and then she turned away from us and it took a little bit to find her again. It's a strong heartbeat when she lets you listen! I'm also measuring about 36 cm, which is right about where I should be!
I decided to change my mind about the cord blood on the birth plan. Here's the new, more compact, easier-to-read version.
Birth Plan- Ramona Palm-Oslin
EDD:7/13/10
Dr. Stockwell, OB/GYN
• Birth Partners are: Kittie Palm-Houser, mother; Amy Wakeling, doula; Tobey Johnson, FOB (possibly)
• Music requested
• Pictures to be taken during labor and after birth by partners
Labor:
• I’d like to do early labor at home and come to the hospital while in active labor.
• Once admitted I would like
o My birth partners to stay with me at all times
o To have clear fluids instead of an IV for hydration
o To walk and move around as I choose
o To be allowed to progress without time limits, as long as all is well.
• As long as baby and I are doing well, I would like to have intermittent rather than continuous fetal monitoring.
• INDUCTION OPTIONS
o I don’t want the amniotic membrane ruptured manually unless there is fetal distress.
o I want to try nipple stimulation and changing positions before pitocin is administered, unless there is a problem with baby or me.
• When it’s time to push, I would like to do so instinctively rather than be told when to, unless I ask for help.
• I’d like to be in a semi- reclining position when it’s time to push. I would also like this to progress naturally and at its own rate unless there’s a problem.
• I would like to manage pain by shower, breathing and distraction techniques, hot/cold therapy, massage, birthing ball, walking, etc.
o Will request epidural if I need it- I do not want it offered please!
• I would like to risk a tear rather than have an episiotomy, unless the baby is in distress.
• After Birth:
o I would like my baby to be placed on my chest to try to nurse right away; any non urgent procedures should be put off.
o I would like to breastfeed ASAP.
• The placenta should be delivered spontaneously.
In Case of C-Section
• I want my mom present in this case, and Tobey if he’s there. I also want my doula there to help me nurse once I give birth.
• I want the baby given to Tobey if he’s there, my mother if he’s not right after she is dried.
• I want to breastfeed in the recovery room. No bottles or pacifiers should be offered.
Post-Partum
• After delivery, I would like all newborn procedures done in my presence, including bathing, weight taking, etc. and for my mom/Tobey to be with the baby at all times if I can’t be there
• I would like to delay clamping the cord and let it pulsate for 3-5 minutes until pulsating ceases.
• I plan to BREASTFEED EXCLUSIVELY. PLEASE DO NOT OFFER MY BABY ANY BOTTLE/FORMULA OR A PACIFIER AT ANY TIME!!!! Unless a bottle is needed for medical reasons.
• I want to feed on demand.
• I want to room in with my baby 24 hours a day unless there’s a problem with her or unless I request she go to the nursery.
I GOT THAT APARTMENT ON CAPITAL AVENUE IN FRANKFORT!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess two people had turned in applications but their credit was denied. God really works for people who trust him! I worked hard to turn that aspect of my life over to him, for me anyway, and he came through for me! I am so pleased to have that apartment; it's SOOO nice! It's just what I wanted and it's a relief to know I have it.
I am happy she's healthy though. Her heart beat is 140 beats/minute and she tried to hide from the doctor's doplar! HAHA! He got a heartbeat right away and then she turned away from us and it took a little bit to find her again. It's a strong heartbeat when she lets you listen! I'm also measuring about 36 cm, which is right about where I should be!
I decided to change my mind about the cord blood on the birth plan. Here's the new, more compact, easier-to-read version.
Birth Plan- Ramona Palm-Oslin
EDD:7/13/10
Dr. Stockwell, OB/GYN
• Birth Partners are: Kittie Palm-Houser, mother; Amy Wakeling, doula; Tobey Johnson, FOB (possibly)
• Music requested
• Pictures to be taken during labor and after birth by partners
Labor:
• I’d like to do early labor at home and come to the hospital while in active labor.
• Once admitted I would like
o My birth partners to stay with me at all times
o To have clear fluids instead of an IV for hydration
o To walk and move around as I choose
o To be allowed to progress without time limits, as long as all is well.
• As long as baby and I are doing well, I would like to have intermittent rather than continuous fetal monitoring.
• INDUCTION OPTIONS
o I don’t want the amniotic membrane ruptured manually unless there is fetal distress.
o I want to try nipple stimulation and changing positions before pitocin is administered, unless there is a problem with baby or me.
• When it’s time to push, I would like to do so instinctively rather than be told when to, unless I ask for help.
• I’d like to be in a semi- reclining position when it’s time to push. I would also like this to progress naturally and at its own rate unless there’s a problem.
• I would like to manage pain by shower, breathing and distraction techniques, hot/cold therapy, massage, birthing ball, walking, etc.
o Will request epidural if I need it- I do not want it offered please!
• I would like to risk a tear rather than have an episiotomy, unless the baby is in distress.
• After Birth:
o I would like my baby to be placed on my chest to try to nurse right away; any non urgent procedures should be put off.
o I would like to breastfeed ASAP.
• The placenta should be delivered spontaneously.
In Case of C-Section
• I want my mom present in this case, and Tobey if he’s there. I also want my doula there to help me nurse once I give birth.
• I want the baby given to Tobey if he’s there, my mother if he’s not right after she is dried.
• I want to breastfeed in the recovery room. No bottles or pacifiers should be offered.
Post-Partum
• After delivery, I would like all newborn procedures done in my presence, including bathing, weight taking, etc. and for my mom/Tobey to be with the baby at all times if I can’t be there
• I would like to delay clamping the cord and let it pulsate for 3-5 minutes until pulsating ceases.
• I plan to BREASTFEED EXCLUSIVELY. PLEASE DO NOT OFFER MY BABY ANY BOTTLE/FORMULA OR A PACIFIER AT ANY TIME!!!! Unless a bottle is needed for medical reasons.
• I want to feed on demand.
• I want to room in with my baby 24 hours a day unless there’s a problem with her or unless I request she go to the nursery.
I GOT THAT APARTMENT ON CAPITAL AVENUE IN FRANKFORT!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess two people had turned in applications but their credit was denied. God really works for people who trust him! I worked hard to turn that aspect of my life over to him, for me anyway, and he came through for me! I am so pleased to have that apartment; it's SOOO nice! It's just what I wanted and it's a relief to know I have it.
6.20.2010
More about the Birth Plan
I realize labor won't necessarily go exactly as I imagine it, but at least there is an outline there for what I absolutely want to try and what I absolutely don't want. Otherwise, it's what the doctors want to do because it's easiest and it covers their asses.
I did add to it under vaginal birth that I want the placenta to be delivered spontaneously, that's instead of them deciding it needs to come out at x point and that they need to go in and get it because it can't wait until it's ready.
That's actually about it for now, at least when it comes to that. We'll see how close the actual labor, etc. goes to this!
I did add to it under vaginal birth that I want the placenta to be delivered spontaneously, that's instead of them deciding it needs to come out at x point and that they need to go in and get it because it can't wait until it's ready.
That's actually about it for now, at least when it comes to that. We'll see how close the actual labor, etc. goes to this!
6.19.2010
Birth Plan
This is what I typed up today.
Birth Plan
EDD:7/13/10
Dr. Stockwell
Delivering at Riverside Hospital
Attendants and Ammenities:
People Present:
• Kittie Palm-Houser, mother
• Amy Wakeling, Doula
• Tobey Johnson, FOB (possibly)
Other Details:
• Music requested
• Pictures to be taken during labor and after birth(by mother)
Labor:
• I’d like to do early labor at home and come to the hospital while in active labor.
• Once admitted I would like
o My birth partners to stay with me at all times
o To have clear fluids instead of an IV for hydration
o To walk and move around as I choose
o A birthing ball
o To take showers
o To be allowed to progress without time limits, as long as all is well.
• As long as baby and I are doing well, I would like to have intermittent rather than continuous fetal monitoring.
• INDUCTION OPTIONS
o I don’t want the amniotic membrane ruptured manually unless there is fetal distress.
o I want to try nipple stimulation and changing positions before pitocin is administered.
• When it’s time to push, I would like to do so instinctively rather than be told when to, unless I ask for help.
• I’d like to be in a semi- reclining position when it’s time to push. I would also like this to progress naturally and at its own rate unless there’s a problem.
PAIN RELIEF
• I would like to manage pain by
o Shower
o Breathing and distraction techniques
o Hot/cold therapy
o Visualization
o Massage
o Birthing ball/walking
o Will request epidural if I need it- I do not want it offered please!
Vaginal Birth
• I would like to risk a tear rather than have an episiotomy, unless the baby is in distress.
• After Birth:
o I would like my baby to place on my chest to try to nurse right away, any non urgent procedures should be put off.
o I would like to breastfeed ASAP
o No oxytocin after placenta delivery
C-Section
• I want my mom present in this case, and Tobey if he’s there. I also want my doula there to help me nurse once I give birth.
• I want the baby given to Tobey if he’s there, my mother if he’s not right after she is dried.
• I want to breastfeed in the recovery room. No bottles or pacifiers should be offered.
Post-Partum
• After delivery, I would like:
o All newborn procedures done in my presence, including bathing, weight taking, etc.
o My mom/Tobey to be with the baby at all times if I can’t be there
• I would like the cord cut right after and I want to bank the cord blood.
• I plan to BREASTFEED EXCLUSIVELY. PLEASE DO NOT OFFER MY BABY ANY BOTTLE/FORMULA OR A PACIFIER AT ANY TIME!!!! Unless a bottle is needed for medical reasons.
• I want to feed on demand.
• I want to room in with my baby 24 hours a day unless there’s a problem with her or unless I request she go to the nursery.
Birth Plan
EDD:7/13/10
Dr. Stockwell
Delivering at Riverside Hospital
Attendants and Ammenities:
People Present:
• Kittie Palm-Houser, mother
• Amy Wakeling, Doula
• Tobey Johnson, FOB (possibly)
Other Details:
• Music requested
• Pictures to be taken during labor and after birth(by mother)
Labor:
• I’d like to do early labor at home and come to the hospital while in active labor.
• Once admitted I would like
o My birth partners to stay with me at all times
o To have clear fluids instead of an IV for hydration
o To walk and move around as I choose
o A birthing ball
o To take showers
o To be allowed to progress without time limits, as long as all is well.
• As long as baby and I are doing well, I would like to have intermittent rather than continuous fetal monitoring.
• INDUCTION OPTIONS
o I don’t want the amniotic membrane ruptured manually unless there is fetal distress.
o I want to try nipple stimulation and changing positions before pitocin is administered.
• When it’s time to push, I would like to do so instinctively rather than be told when to, unless I ask for help.
• I’d like to be in a semi- reclining position when it’s time to push. I would also like this to progress naturally and at its own rate unless there’s a problem.
PAIN RELIEF
• I would like to manage pain by
o Shower
o Breathing and distraction techniques
o Hot/cold therapy
o Visualization
o Massage
o Birthing ball/walking
o Will request epidural if I need it- I do not want it offered please!
Vaginal Birth
• I would like to risk a tear rather than have an episiotomy, unless the baby is in distress.
• After Birth:
o I would like my baby to place on my chest to try to nurse right away, any non urgent procedures should be put off.
o I would like to breastfeed ASAP
o No oxytocin after placenta delivery
C-Section
• I want my mom present in this case, and Tobey if he’s there. I also want my doula there to help me nurse once I give birth.
• I want the baby given to Tobey if he’s there, my mother if he’s not right after she is dried.
• I want to breastfeed in the recovery room. No bottles or pacifiers should be offered.
Post-Partum
• After delivery, I would like:
o All newborn procedures done in my presence, including bathing, weight taking, etc.
o My mom/Tobey to be with the baby at all times if I can’t be there
• I would like the cord cut right after and I want to bank the cord blood.
• I plan to BREASTFEED EXCLUSIVELY. PLEASE DO NOT OFFER MY BABY ANY BOTTLE/FORMULA OR A PACIFIER AT ANY TIME!!!! Unless a bottle is needed for medical reasons.
• I want to feed on demand.
• I want to room in with my baby 24 hours a day unless there’s a problem with her or unless I request she go to the nursery.
6.18.2010
Doula
I met with a doula on Tuesday. She was recommended by my next door neighbor, Cindy. I have decided to use her during the birth.
What happened Tuesday was a free consultation where she told me what hiring her involved and gave me some literature on different options during the birthing process and additional prenatal care she would have me do.
What I'm doing now is adding Calcium Magnesium and Evening Primrose Oil to my daily supplements. I don't really remember what the Calcium is for, but the Primrose Oil is said to help with softening a woman's cervix. Apparently a first time labor requires the cervix to soften before a woman can dialate, whereas after that she can dialate without softening, so it's important that my cervix have as much help as possible so that I can have a natural labor.
She also gave me a recipe for pregnancy tea, which Steve made for me. I drink a couple glasses a day. Also, I have a list of foods high in protein that are also nutritious. My mom got the ingredients I needed today and the rest of the stuff we already have. So, I can make small meals out of those things. Most of them are lighter than meat, anyway, which is better because sometimes I get heartburn from eating too much meat.
I also have to write up a birth plan including what I want to happen during labor, during birth, and after the birth. Basically, whether I want (unnecessary) induction, pitocin, epidurals, etc. and whether I want to walk, shower, etc., then whether I want the cord cut right away (apparently there are benefits to waiting), then whether I want the baby handed straight to me before she is weighed, cleaned, etc. and given a chance to nurse, whether I want them to offer her any formula or a pacifier, etc. That needs to be done soon. It really should have been done in time for my doctor's appointment on Thursday so the doctor could sign off on it sooner rather than later, since he's out of town today until the 27th. But, it wasn't. I just have to do that as soon as possible.
The plan is that I will have two office visits and one home visit before the baby is born. Then, when I go into labor, she will come to my home and labor with me until we decide it's time to go to the hospital and finish laboring there, probably at about 7 cm or so. Then she will help me through the rest and assist me with breastfeeding when the baby is born. We then have a follow up visit about 3 weeks after Kiley is born. I already have a visit scheduled at the office for Wednesday at 8 PM, then another at home the following Tuesday at 12:30.
I'm pretty excited about this. It makes me feel better about the possibility of a natural labor.
What happened Tuesday was a free consultation where she told me what hiring her involved and gave me some literature on different options during the birthing process and additional prenatal care she would have me do.
What I'm doing now is adding Calcium Magnesium and Evening Primrose Oil to my daily supplements. I don't really remember what the Calcium is for, but the Primrose Oil is said to help with softening a woman's cervix. Apparently a first time labor requires the cervix to soften before a woman can dialate, whereas after that she can dialate without softening, so it's important that my cervix have as much help as possible so that I can have a natural labor.
She also gave me a recipe for pregnancy tea, which Steve made for me. I drink a couple glasses a day. Also, I have a list of foods high in protein that are also nutritious. My mom got the ingredients I needed today and the rest of the stuff we already have. So, I can make small meals out of those things. Most of them are lighter than meat, anyway, which is better because sometimes I get heartburn from eating too much meat.
I also have to write up a birth plan including what I want to happen during labor, during birth, and after the birth. Basically, whether I want (unnecessary) induction, pitocin, epidurals, etc. and whether I want to walk, shower, etc., then whether I want the cord cut right away (apparently there are benefits to waiting), then whether I want the baby handed straight to me before she is weighed, cleaned, etc. and given a chance to nurse, whether I want them to offer her any formula or a pacifier, etc. That needs to be done soon. It really should have been done in time for my doctor's appointment on Thursday so the doctor could sign off on it sooner rather than later, since he's out of town today until the 27th. But, it wasn't. I just have to do that as soon as possible.
The plan is that I will have two office visits and one home visit before the baby is born. Then, when I go into labor, she will come to my home and labor with me until we decide it's time to go to the hospital and finish laboring there, probably at about 7 cm or so. Then she will help me through the rest and assist me with breastfeeding when the baby is born. We then have a follow up visit about 3 weeks after Kiley is born. I already have a visit scheduled at the office for Wednesday at 8 PM, then another at home the following Tuesday at 12:30.
I'm pretty excited about this. It makes me feel better about the possibility of a natural labor.
6.17.2010
36 weeks, 2 days today
I went to the OB again today and have another appointment for Tuesday at 9:45 AM. The regular OB is out of town next week so another Riverside Hospital OB is filling in and it's only one day during one hour. Normally it wouldn't be 5 days apart like that, but that's why it is this time.
Anyway, she's doing perfect. There are still no signs that I'll go into labor anytime soon. That's a good thing, she's still "preterm" right now. The longer she can bake in here, the better. That's not to say I'm not plenty ready to be done being pregnant and to meet her!
I find it hard to tell people how I feel about my baby, but I really can't wait to hold her. I really can't wait to be a mommy. I've wanted to be a mom since I was about 3 years old. When I got pregnant, I had no plans to have any babies anytime soon. Most of my friends had names for babies like "crib midgets." I wasn't much different.
I knew what to do with a baby, but I didn't have any desire to be around them very much at that point in my life. I liked the fact that everyone I was around could take care of themselves, at least enough to feed themselves and wipe themselves! (Although her dad really isn't that great at taking care of himself! I didn't even realize how much I was taking care of him until I wasn't anymore!) No one I was around was under 17. I was fine with that. Spending my weekends playing Spongebob Life with a 10 year old and changing diapers was NOT my idea of a good time. I had NO plans to be a mommy for a WHILE.
The day I found out I was pregnant, that all changed. My whole world changed. I struggled hard to quit smoking, and finally kicked the habit completely 3 weeks and 2 days ago. I started making plans differently. I started to think about her before I thought about what I wanted to do, eat, drink, smoke, not do, whatever. She even trumped horses. (I haven't ridden since December.) I never thought ANYTHING would trump horses.
There have definitely been times when I have missed riding so much I could shoot myself but I have NEVER resented her for a second! I know that graduate school will be VERY HARD for me with a child to worry about, as will getting my bachelor's, but I NEVER resented her for that. I think she's a blessing. I thought I would resent her at some point of my pregnancy, while I was puking my guts up or experiencing round ligament pain...but I really was able to seperate PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS from MY HELPLESS, INNOCENT CHILD. I am really surprised with myself!
I am now having fears that I won't be a good mommy. I don't even know why. I know what makes a good mommy and I'm clearly willing to change things around to accomodate her. I guess it's just normal, not thinking you will be good enough to do a good job at something so huge and beautiful as raising a child.
I just have to remind myself of the sacrifices I've already made for my child without a second thought and trust that I would make them again in a heartbeat and so much more.
I am not SCARED of the labor and delivery at this point. I am scared that something will go wrong with HER and that she won't be okay, but I guess that is normal, too. I just have to pray that she will be protected, do what I can do to have a healthy newborn, and try to relax. This is such a wild ride!
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