I went to the OB again today and have another appointment for Tuesday at 9:45 AM. The regular OB is out of town next week so another Riverside Hospital OB is filling in and it's only one day during one hour. Normally it wouldn't be 5 days apart like that, but that's why it is this time.
Anyway, she's doing perfect. There are still no signs that I'll go into labor anytime soon. That's a good thing, she's still "preterm" right now. The longer she can bake in here, the better. That's not to say I'm not plenty ready to be done being pregnant and to meet her!
I find it hard to tell people how I feel about my baby, but I really can't wait to hold her. I really can't wait to be a mommy. I've wanted to be a mom since I was about 3 years old. When I got pregnant, I had no plans to have any babies anytime soon. Most of my friends had names for babies like "crib midgets." I wasn't much different.
I knew what to do with a baby, but I didn't have any desire to be around them very much at that point in my life. I liked the fact that everyone I was around could take care of themselves, at least enough to feed themselves and wipe themselves! (Although her dad really isn't that great at taking care of himself! I didn't even realize how much I was taking care of him until I wasn't anymore!) No one I was around was under 17. I was fine with that. Spending my weekends playing Spongebob Life with a 10 year old and changing diapers was NOT my idea of a good time. I had NO plans to be a mommy for a WHILE.
The day I found out I was pregnant, that all changed. My whole world changed. I struggled hard to quit smoking, and finally kicked the habit completely 3 weeks and 2 days ago. I started making plans differently. I started to think about her before I thought about what I wanted to do, eat, drink, smoke, not do, whatever. She even trumped horses. (I haven't ridden since December.) I never thought ANYTHING would trump horses.
There have definitely been times when I have missed riding so much I could shoot myself but I have NEVER resented her for a second! I know that graduate school will be VERY HARD for me with a child to worry about, as will getting my bachelor's, but I NEVER resented her for that. I think she's a blessing. I thought I would resent her at some point of my pregnancy, while I was puking my guts up or experiencing round ligament pain...but I really was able to seperate PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS from MY HELPLESS, INNOCENT CHILD. I am really surprised with myself!
I am now having fears that I won't be a good mommy. I don't even know why. I know what makes a good mommy and I'm clearly willing to change things around to accomodate her. I guess it's just normal, not thinking you will be good enough to do a good job at something so huge and beautiful as raising a child.
I just have to remind myself of the sacrifices I've already made for my child without a second thought and trust that I would make them again in a heartbeat and so much more.
I am not SCARED of the labor and delivery at this point. I am scared that something will go wrong with HER and that she won't be okay, but I guess that is normal, too. I just have to pray that she will be protected, do what I can do to have a healthy newborn, and try to relax. This is such a wild ride!
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