I am seeing the OB every week now. This last visit on Thursday my measurements went up by 2 CM, from 32 CM to 34 CM. That was in a week! That makes me so happy because from week 28 to the end of week 31, I only went up by 1.5 CM, from 27 to 28.5. It's supposed to correspond to the week, but the last few times my measurements have been slightly below. Not so far below to cause concern, but slightly below the number of weeks. I'm not too worried at this point because I was a fairly small baby.
My baby is about 5 1/4 to 5 1/2 lbs at this point. I just want her to get to 6 lbs before she comes. I'll be happy with that, I'm just getting SO UNCOMFORTABLE!!! The doctor said she's still negative station, which means the baby hasn't moved down into my pelvic bone yet, my mucus plug is still in place, and the cervix is still closed tight, no softening yet. That means the baby's not ready to come out, even if I am ready for her! I guess no one asked my opinion on the matter!!
I am having to come to terms with the fact that everything is not necessarily going to be worked out before the baby's born. My nesting instinct seems to have manifested itself in an organizational, almost obsessive form where ALL the details of our move back to Frankfort MUST be worked out NOW! Everything is already clean and sanitized. Part of that may be boredom, because with a month left, there's almost nothing to do but nap. I can only do that so much when I have to make sure there's this and this to do before the baby comes. I just wish I knew WHERE I was going to live and whether Tobey was going to follow through with being my daycare or if I'll have to spend time away from my baby to find a good one!
I've found myself going to women's meetings a lot. I think that's a step in the right direction for me, because, like most female alcholics, women are the enemy. I do not like them. It is not in my nature to not compete with other women and I really don't get along with most of them. Men are just easier for me to get along with.
It's good for me, then, to be around women. It helps me to maybe learn to get along with them a little better and not be so intimidated. I'm feeling no less anti social, though.
I even told Tobey not to talk to me anymore until he wanted or is able to pay the Dish bill he's responsible for. I am so tired of hearing "I will" do this and that from him and never seeing any results. I devoted so much energy to helping him and it has not been returned, has been very selfish on his side and I am just so over hearing it. I want to see it if he's changing. Apparently he's made ammends or restitution to other people. That's awesome, but they're not having his kid. I didn't make the kid or run the Dish bill all by myself. If he really is meaning to get well, he will. And when he is doing what he should do, I will see that bill at least partially paid.
BACKGROUND ON THE DISH BILL:
When we were using cable, I paid the $45 bill myself every month. It's HIM who was so obsessed with TV. With this company, when you cancel early, it's $17.50 a FREAKING MONTH cancellation fee!! Since we had 18 months left on the contract, that ends being a total of $315 cancellation fee!!!? Ridiculous! I can understand, say, a $50 cancellation fee for cancelling in the first year and, say, a $25 cancellation fee for cancelling in the second year. But $315!?!?! Oh, and the bill's in my name.
It's not that I even expect him to pay the whole $315 (although he should). Just, like $100 would be helpful! He is working with a sponsor and with the Native American healer. I think that's good, Native Americans are the most Spiritual people there are. I think he's learning, I'm just frustrated.
I think what has me so frustrated is the possibility that he may not be there when Kiley's born, unless she waits until after the 18th of July. Apparently that week there's a Native American "healing ritual/meeting of the elders" type deal that the Creator (God/The Almighty/Higher Power) has told him he needs to go to before he can see me again and before he can see Kiley, that something life changing will happen to him to make him a better man and father.
I don't know whether it's crazy enough to be true, or whether it's an out so he can do what he wants. It just doesn't make sense that what he wants is to not be there when his baby girl is born. He was devastated when I walked away because he wanted to be there. He talked about nothing but being there for months. He wanted a baby more than I did at the time. Like I said, Native Americans are the most spiritual people there are. I want to think it's true. If it is, I don't want to put it down. I just don't like the idea of doing childbirth without the man who helped me make the child.
My Chihuauas are making me crazier and crazier the more pregnant I get. They are out of control and I hardly have the energy to discipline them. I have tried to make their days more structured the last couple of days by watching them all the time, going outside with them, crating them for a little while every few hours, and kind of dictating more of their activities. It seems to be working well, and it's actually not as tiring as letting them do what they want.
The other night with them was chaos. They slipped out through a whole in the gate (which has since been blocked by bricks) and there were a few families there with dogs and kids and they were running from person to person and dog to dog and all over the street just barking their heads off, and they almost got hit by cars about three times. Then one of the moms left the kids stroller on a slanted driveway to try to help me get them and the stroller tipped over while her toddler was in it (which wasn't the dogs fault, it was just part of the chaos), so it was all just a disaster and I just started crying and got really upset! Especially with Tobey! So, the more structured day for the dogs is helping, because that was just overwhelming and a breaking point for me.
I have been thinking about what I want to do with my life until I can get to Law School. I do have to find out about the LSAT in regards to Law school. If I get the credits needed to graduate, with my accounting degree in 2012, I will have gotten 146.66 credits lifetime. I have to have 150 to take the CPA exam.
What I want to do is something for an equine organization or publication with some flexibility, and maybe ride some for people on the side. I will take two extra 3 credit hour accounting electives to receive 152.66 credits total and then take the CPA exam as something to fall back on.
Even if I'm NOT a licensed CPA, people with accounting degrees are in high demand, even with the economy. So, even if I have some sort of consulting or editing job, I can still make money for sure accounting for one or two companies. I don't particularly WANT to be a full time accountant, to be honest, but I will if it means a good income and good benefits. It doesn't really sound like a good time, but I'm good at accounting anyway, so it would be a challenge but it would be doable.
My goal is to find a job with benefits and have a little flexibility since I'm going to be a mommy and I'd like to be one again in two or 3 years.
What I thought I'd do this winter if my internship (and my possible gig at the World Games) hasn't turned up any prospects is to stop by Southern States, the Equine Feed store in Frankfort and try to get on there doing one thing or another. That could also turn into something.
I just can't wait to get my Law degree...I think UK's Law program sounds perfect for me. Check it out: http://www.law.uky.edu/ There are Law firms that practice Equine Law that have offices in Frankfort, Lexington, and Louisville, too!!
I really do have so many things I could do...I just want to make sure I expand my riding abilities too! That's the most important thing in my life, next to my baby and my sobriety. It really is great to be young and have the world at my feet!
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