I don't talk in meetings hardly at all, in fact the last couple of times I have totally forgot what I was trying to say (pregnant brain!) and spaced out in the middle of my sentence. I couldn't even find anything to say upon receiving my one year chip. I don't REALLY know why this is....except maybe that I talk so much most of the time, maybe I need to learn how NOT to say anything. I think right now that could be the truth.
Another reason I don't talk much is because sometimes it's really hard to bear my soul to a room full of mostly older people. The ones who aren't older, for the most part, want no part of sobriety. For the most part, they are there because of a DUI or a public intoxication charge and plan to go get really shitty after the meeting. I, quite frankly, want nothing to do with them. As for older people, I feel like they won't be interested in what I have to say. And I'm probably wrong, because a lot of them say they wish they'd figured it out this young.
I've also heard a lot of them say that they did come in this young and proceeded to go back out for 5+ years. I'm scared that if I go back out, they will think I was full of shit. And, to be honest with you, I feel like I actually have nothing to say a lot of the time. The truth is, when people ask for ways to handle what they're going through, I really have no clue how to handle it, in fact a lot of times I struggle with it myself.
I'm a little scared I'll go back out. That scares me because, honestly, my plans don't really match up with what my life will become if I go back out. If I DO pick back up where I left off, I won't keep my scholarship for long. I sure as hell won't be able to keep a job. I won't want to do anything but use, drink, and sleep. That's where I was when I came in. I'm so grateful for the ego that alcoholics are famous for, because that's why I came into the rooms of AA. Because my ego was bruised because I could not control my drinking and using and I was supposed to be the strongest woman in the world.
I didn't just use drugs either, I used men. See, if I didn't smoke a blunt or drink a pint, I had sex. Anything to fill the hole, anything to make me feel better, anything to get me high in some form or another. I almost feel like allowing myself to be used like that by other people is MORE shameful than the drug doing.
The first year of sobriety, I may not have done drugs or drank alcohol, but I got another addiction! Tobey! He worked for a little while, too! Once I got pregnant and he went back to doing drugs, he no longer worked because he wouldn't pay attention to me anymore and I tried to FORCE him to work! I tried to literally force him. I tried to make him think it was his JOB to be everything I wanted. I want something different in my second year...I want to be SOBER and let GOD/MY HIGHER POWER be my "addiction"/"refuge"/"hole-filler" whatever you want to call it!!
You know what though, it's hard to get out of myself when my instincts are turning inward, to my baby and to my body. I'm doing what I can, and most days I make it to a meeting, try to call my sponsor, try to get some big book reading in, try to pray at least a little, try to be honest and of service, and I don't use or drink. But you know, some days I'm just too damn tired to get anything out of a meeting!
When I only have one other thing, a meeting is just fine to get to and I get something out of it. When I have 4 or 5 other things going on, I get nothing out of it and I just resent being there. I guess those are the times when I need to try and really be of service. Right now, though, my maternal instincts are telling me that only my baby is important and therefore what my body thinks my baby needs is the ONLY priority. Sometimes that's sleep or rest instead of a meeting.
Oh, I can't get ahold of my sponsor!!!!! UGH frustrating...I feel that a lot lately. I had road rage yesterday and it scared me. It makes me scared to drive anywhere. My hormones are taking me for a ride!!! I have NEVER experienced impatience, frustration, anger, resentment, sadness, ANYTHING like this before!! Crazy hormones!
My point is that I may have 1 year and 2 weeks sober, but I am still a complete mess!!! I just want to try to make this second year of sobriety count and really try to be a little more serene. Here goes, I guess!
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