The "Case" Against Breastfeeding

I was on Work It Mom last night and came across this article:

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2009/04/the-case-against-breast-feeding/7311/

She left out some other research, done in 2004, which says that yes, instances of obesity ARE less in breastfed children. The LARGEST factor is, of COURSE, activity level, but it does, in fact make a difference.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14754976

She also left out the fact that, since human milk is easier for babies to digest for human babies, digestion in a breastfed infant is more efficient. Since formula takes longer to digest and the respiratory systems of infants under 6 months, infants are harder to wake in active sleep who are formula fed, since their bellies are full because they take longer to digest the formula than the breastmilk. SIDS risk is, therefore, increased.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14709496

Also, there is a component in breastmilk which kills cancer cells.

http://www.drmomma.org/2009/08/breastmilk-component-kills-cancer-cells.html

I take no issue with anyone who formula feeds. It is a personal choice and I understand that some women try very hard to nurse and just can't, or their lifestyle does not allow for it. However, discounting the benefits of nursing, in my opinion, is just grasping at straws. Yes, formula is a godsend. Yes, formula fed babies turn out FINE and there are breastfed babies who do not.

What bothers ME about this article is this woman's suggestions based on narrow information and her obvious displeasure with motherhood and scorn for other women. She claims to be anti-judgmental but clearly isn't.

(Personally, I breastfed exclusively the first 6 months and now she nurses when she is with me and gets formula at daycare. She also eats plenty of solids. I do not have an issue with her having formula and am grateful breastfeeding came so easy for us, despite a bout with mastitis and trouble getting a deep enough latch as a newborn.)

Cloth diapers and the like

Well, lately I have been thinking about the world my daughter will grow up in, and how I can do my part to make sure there are not too little resources for too many people. This has led to several decisions.

1. Switching to cloth diapers and reusable wipes. It has actually not been so bad. There are covers and inserts, and even rice paper so you can just dump the poop in the toilet. She has a rash, though, and I think it may be from sleeping with the rice paper against her skin all night. I may even need to get up and change her diaper once a night now. At daycare she will still use disposables and I will only be using the reusable wipes at home. The reusable wipes are just peices of soft fabric that I soak in a solution.

2. I will only give birth to one more child, if I can help it. If I want a third, I will adopt. One child per parent leads to a flat population growth, and since there is already overpopulation, it is the best way to preserve the planet, not to cause exponential growth.

3. I am trying not to use or buy things that I don't need and won't use.

Being a mommy has made me so conscientious. It is one of the many good things about becoming a parent!

Lately

Well, I have made the decision to move back to Columbus when I graduate and live with my parents until I can get on my feet financially.

I really do not think I will wind up in Kentucky anyway. They are not very big on quarter horse showing here, and that's what I want to be involved in. Also, the law schools here only prepare students for practicing law in Kentucky. I would like a broader range of options.

I may have to put off law school, too. I have heard only the top law schools have students gaining employment out of law school. I think I would be fine there, but it would be smarter to work a few years before law school, pay my mom back for loans, pay back my Sallie Mae loan, and save some so that I am not paying loans back later. That will also give me time tofind and apply for fellowships, grants, and scholarships.

I also have this little pipe dream of starting to build up a boarding business in the next few years, starting to invest in a few lesson horses to teach lessons on, etc. and getting a new show horse and being able to show on a little more competitive scale on a breed show level. Eventually, I want to take in Open show training clients and work my way up to Breed shows.

One thing at a time though and before I get ahead of myself, I would like to take Kandi to some open shows first to get back into showing my own horse. This means I need to find the kind of job which allows for this.

Anyway, this is just thinking out loud. Who knows where life will really take me? I am sure everything will turn out fine. I am just glad to be moving home to have a chance to build up a nestegg!

Senioritis is really kicking in. 10 more weeks!

Life Happened.

You thought you were tough
That ego, it lies
Tells you that you're bigger than you are
That you can do it alone
Life comes along
Slaps you in the face
Reminds you of your mortality
Those fires you go through
Those tides you cross
The bridges you burnt
Led you here to this
Not what you pictured
Not the way you planned
Life is not ecstacy
More like a roller coaster
At the mercy of its' creator
You can take it and run with it
Or fight it
And die not knowing what it can be

2nd wind

Well I got the 2nd interview at Bankers, went, and didn't get a third. I'm okay with that. I have realized from my internship and from that that what I DO NOT want to do is walk into an office and stare at a computer screen everyday.

I do not want to work in an equine related office and watch OTHER people enjoy their horses either. I WANT TO ENJOY MY HORSE.

Watching other people enjoy there's and being involved in those politics just doesn't interest me like I thought. I want a job that fits that. I do not know what I want to do. For someone who always knew what she wanted out of life, discovering that I have no freaking clue is scary.

The fact that I have a daughter to support that I don't want the state's help to support her is even more scary. For a couple weeks I was obsessively job hunting. I spent more time job hunting than on school work. I even put up a profile on a childcare site. I don't even WANT to do childcare. I can only handle other people's children in small doses.

I know I want to go to law school eventually, but not how to fund our lives and our healthcare in the meantime and during. I have decided to take it back a notch and JUST focus on school for now.

I even am considering the military. Not something I EVER thought I would ever consider, but it's not an office job and it's one I could be proud of and that Kiley could be proud of. Plus, I would never have to worry about being laid off. I promised my mom that I would move home and look full time for a job that would be fulfilling after I graduate but if the military still seemed the best option, that's what I would do. She isn't too happy about the military idea.

I have also considered a masters in english between now and law school. I think maybe I don't know what to do without school.

Nonetheless, whatever I do, I want to play with horses. Eventually training them would be my ideal goal, but I have about 10 more years of experiences and qualifying and thousands more dollars in showing to do first. I may not even be good enough. I may be able to start riding reiners with a guy in Indiana. I can only hope! I want to be able to buy a "starter" reiner for me in a year or two.

Or, maybe an all around horse. I don't know, but either way reiners and cow horses are what I really want to ride. And that takes money, especially if you want to show A circuit type shows, which I do.

That's what makes me think writing would be a good option. If I wrote a good enough book or books, I would make a decent living and have the flexibility to show a lot. Law also might be flexible enough eventually.

So much to think about....

ON another note, Kiley pulled herself up to her knees! Woo hoo! She tried it again and fell on her head though, so she hasn't been brave enough to do it again. She's getting there, though. I am so proud of her! Watching her grow up is an AMAZING ride!

Job Prospecting

Well, I have had two job interviews this week.

Tuesday was at Powers Agency, which provides supplemental benefits to Unions. They told me I would have 15-16 hour days. That would be a no go. I have to have time with my baby. Anyway, I wouldn't be able to start until May anyway and they want someone to start putting in those kinds of hours now. I can't do that EVER, let alone while I am in school.

Yesterday morning I interviewed at Banker's Life and Casualty. They help with retirement planning and medicaid supplements. I think I would like that, I always enjoyed older people. It also will mean a 6 figure income in a few years. It was an odd interview, a group interview. From the group, they take people they like and call for a second interview. I got a call for a 2nd interview this morning. I don't know that they will want me, since I want to go to law school, but apparently they liked me well enough to call me back. Either way, it would be a good position. I could afford nice horses and private school for Kiley! Oh, and benefits!!

While I would be thrilled landing a job at Bankers, I would also be okay with not getting that job. I am trying to let God take the wheel and be okay with life on life's terms, rather than stressing over life not happening on my terms. That is a constant struggle for me.

I also called Mike Craig, who owns and operates Craig Performance Horses. I may have a chance to train with him and get into reiners, which I have been wanting to do for a long time. With this job, I could afford to buy a reiner. Win!

And graduation is creeping up....

I started my FINAL semester! May 14, 2011 is only THREE AND A HALF months! Woo hoo!!

Senioritis has hit hard and I am looking forward to graduating. I get a little emotional thinking about it though, because it signifies the end of an era of my life. I mean, for about 17 years, I have gone to school, had homework, had part time jobs, but I have never had a degree that should officially make me capable of supporting myself. As in, I provide insurance, rent money, etc. I pay for the cell phone bill. I don't get to ask mom to help me with Kandi's board. It's me. I am responsible for making sure Kiley has what she needs too. I don't get to use the "I'm just a poor college student" excuse ever again. I am not complaining, it's just a little bitter sweet!

Last week, I posted my resume on CareerBuilder and got two seperate interviews. One company supplies benefits for unions and one helps with retirement planning. I don't hate those prospects...they seem like something that would be meaningful. One is on Tuesday at noon, one on Wednesday at 9:30.

These two interviews coming up have really got me thinking about and stressing over the future. I really want to go to law school in a year or two, but I don't know that I will be able to handle it financially until 3-5 years down the road. I am starting to think putting it off a little would be better because then I could save more and have less debt coming out of law school. I guess plenty of people wait 5 years. That would be okay, forgivable. I am the kind of person who wants it RIGHT NOW. Kind of like when I was drinking, I wanted to feel better RIGHT NOW and the feel of that whiskey coarsing through and warming up my veins helped me feel that way.

I want to write again. I may do a little more for CHA's publication, but I also want to write a book....and articles. I saw A Dog Year with Jeff Bridges last night and it sort of motivated me to start writing seriously again. I like writing and it would be something I could support myself with eventually while I showed more and more...maybe if I ever went pro I could support myself instead of relying on sponsors. I just lost my muse in high school and keep waiting for it to come back. Kiley inspires me sometimes, always when I don't have time to sit down and write. Riding inspires me a lot, especially after a good ride, but again I never have a moment to write at that point...

I want to write about horsemanship, good horsemen, innovative businessmen, honest lawyers, non career politicians, passionate people who fought for what they believe in, women who were brave enough to be mothers AND career women and who still stayed true to themselves, inspiring people, religious leaders, breastfeeding mothers, single mothers, compassionate people who tried to change things....basically, people who matter to the world. Modern day heroes.

Qualifications of Motherhood, or parenthood

I watch 16 and Pregnant a lot. It is one of my guilty pleasures. I think I relate to some of those girls. I was with a stupid guy who I thought I loved and was delusional enough to believe he loved me. I was not planning on getting pregnant. I worry about money and about finishing school. I find it easy to sympathize with them.

Some of those girls really take to motherhood with flying colors. They grow up to become mothers. Others are just not ready. It really makes me think about the fact that some people should not be allowed to have kids, and about what makes someone "qualified" to be a mother. I just don't believe that the ability to reproduce automatically qualifies you as a parent. I don't necessarily think I am completely qualified, so don't think I am preaching.

So, here are some vital characteristics I believe a person should have to become a parent:

-Goal- oriented
-Financially stable
-have basic life skills (having had a while to learn to budget, a stable home in which to live, basic maintenance skills, knowing when to ask for help and when to tough it out)
-have a stable relationship with his or her partner
-spirituality
-a sense of his or her impact on the earth
-ability to stick to a schedule
-selflessness
-eating right
-knowledge of child development- physical, mental, emotional
-the willingness to at least try breastfeeding
-emotional maturity
-willingness to be up all night with a sick child, then get up at 7 for a full day of work because you HAVE to
-realization that the purpose of having a child is to impart wisdom and provide love and basic needs, not as a form of validation to provide YOU with love
-willing to make sacrifices to provide his or her child with the best education possible
-able to set boundaries

I will, of course, add to this list as I think of things. Most young people simply don't have many, if ANY, of these characteristics. There are certainly areas where I am lacking.

That being said, I do believe someone who is willing to become those things and strives to become those things has a shot at being a pretty good parent. That means actively trying to become those things rather than just sitting back and waiting for them to happen. Life will never be ideal, but it is our jobs as parents to make it as close as possible. When someone choose to have a child, he or she chooses to grow up and make necessary changes. If he or she can't grow up, then maybe parenting isn't for him or her!

Sometimes I think that a lot of people parent too much by the results they want and less from instinct. That is hard not to do with the artificial world we are living in. However, I believe there will never ever be parenting shortcuts. A lot of the books say not to start a child on solids until 6 months. Well, That may be fine for most children, but I also read a lot about the symptoms of being ready for solids. At 3 1/2 months, Kiley was exhibiting all of them, so I started her on them. She has done wonderfully on them and I think waiting would have been a mistake. I didn't follow any book or talk to any doctor, I just knew she was ready and started her. If she had shown signs on not being ready once I tried to start, I would have had to stop. I use the books as a guide, but I don't use them as an end all- be all. I think that quality has been VERY important for keeping parenting low- stress.

Graduation fears

On May 14th, of 2011, I will be the recipient of a Bachelor of Arts in Equine Business. I am counting down the days, believe me! It's not even 5 months down the road!

I am looking forward to graduating, but I'm also having feelings of fear. I need to find a job when I graduate and I am nervous that I won't be able to find anything. I really want to find a job before I graduate. The thought of not having one when I graduate is absolutely daunting.

The game plan is to send out my resumes to as many equine-related organizations as possible and hope someone has an opening. I even plan on sending out resumes out of state. That is another thing that scares me: what if I have to leave the state? I won't know anyone, won't know the area...I am terrified. Will Tobey give me shit if that happens? Will he try to keep me from supporting my daughter? He probably will do no more than whine, but I still fear that possibility.

I also am fearful that my dreams about riding will take too long. I want to ride with the big dogs. I don't know whether I am good enough, but I at least want to try and find out. I do not want to spend my whole life wondering "what-if"? I want Kiley to watch her mother chase her dreams so she will never be afraid to.

These are just some of the thoughts that are going through my mind as my college career ends. I have always been in school. I don't know how not to be.

If I don't post again before Christmas, Merry Christmas!

The last 5.5 months

I went into labor at 11:49 PM on July 4th after several contractions spaced throughout the day. It was an easy labor for about the 1st 15 or so hours....fairly easy contractions, or as easy as they can be. They were never more than 5 minutes apart though, some were only a minute or so apart.

I did not end up getting en epirdural, but when I came to the hospital I was between 3 and 4 cm dialated and my water had already broken. Since it was a high leak, I hadn't realized my water was broken because it was trickling as if it were just the rest of my mucus plug. So, they did administer pitocin despite my protests.

After about 15 hours, I was still only 5 cm. All of a sudden, I guess the pitocin kicked in because I started having one contraction on top of the other and, even if I had WANTED an epidural, there wasn't any time in between contractions to administer it. By 4:30 I was 8 cm (which they about had to hold me down to find out....I wasn't too in to being touched at this point) at which point I thought I was having a bowel movement and tried to push into the toilet. I was told to come back in, and, by this point 20 minutes later, I was 10 cm dialated. She was born after about 7 pushes as 5:10 PM naturally with no interventions at the hospital.

She had a knot in her cord. Since they are too big to do that after about 20 weeks, she had been living like that for most of my pregnancy. Luckily she had a long cord so it never pulled tight. She is an absolute miracle because that usually kills a growing fetus, since it doesn't allow blood flow. I had felt reduced movement the day before and I'm guessing that was why, because she had dropped. I did get stretchmarks the last few days when she dropped. I was so mad because I had made it so far and then, WHAM! But I'm grateful to have had a beautiful, healthy little girl!


Tobey is now out of the picture. He has been nothing but a pain before and since she was born. He is irresponsible and hardly deserving of such a little angel! I hope one day I can convince him to sign over his rights and, when I meet someone great, that he can adopt her and show her what a man and a dad looks like.

She is hilarious! Coughs just for reaction, laughs at the most random things, doesn't mind horses one little bit, is growing like a weed....She mastered nursing right away and we have been going strong nursing! She gained 15 oz the first 5 days home! Amazing little girl...

Some people have made rude comments about my nursing, but most have understood there is nothing dirty, unnatural, or especially intimate about it. It is a child's natural means of eating and the way God intended her to eat. If God had meant her to eat from a bottle, he would have made them himself. As it stands, man made bottles, God made boobs. My argument is, who do you think knows better? That's what I thought! To those who say it has nothing to do with God, you are wrong. God is very much a part of my breastfeeding relationship. He is something I celebrate when I nurse! He was good to us, gave me more than enough supply! It is, however, getting harder to nurse in public since she is older and more interested in her surroundings and gets very distracted. So, at this point, I do try to find a quiet little nook.

She talks up a storm and laughs as if she is seeing the more hilarious thing ever. I love it! She is such a little person! I am so in love with her!

I have realized I do NOT want a 2nd major in accounting. It is not a career for me. I do not like studying it at all, so I am thinking I wouldn't like doing it for a living. I also don't want to miss Kiley growing up. I don't want to spend all day working then come home and rush off to class. I love law, and I want to save my money and resources for law school.

I am very disappointed with this last semester. I was only able to get a 2.9 GPA because they raised the grading scale so that 93+ is an A, 86-93 is a B, and so on...and I just couldn't pull a couple of them up to B's. I am very disappointed, but I suppose I can't be too hard on myself since Kiley still isn't sleeping through the night, doesn't nap, I was taking care of her unless I was in class 6 hours a week, and I only was able to do homework from 8-12 at night. This semester was mostly accounting, and I am just not interested enough in accounting to kill myself like that!

Next semester, I will have an internship and classes during the day. I will try to get all my schoolwork done then because she will be in daycare. Then, nights, mornings, and weekends will be just for Miss Kiley! I think my sanity will be appreciative!

Being a single mom is the hardest, most rewarding thing I have EVER done. I am SO glad not to have Tobey around. I truly believe life would be so much more stressful with him around because he is like a child; he is incredibly self- centered! So, yes, life is good. I have some regrets, but I try not to dwell on them. I think anyone who says that they have no regrets is a big fat liar!

Kiley

That picture is newborn Kiley. Isn't she beautiful?

She was born July 5th at 5:10 PM after 17 1/2 hours of labor. She was 6 lbs 6.6 oz, 19.5 in long, and head circimpherence of 12 3/4 if I remember right. She was a natural birth.

I will write another post later about the labor, birth, and the last 5 months.

Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano

I have been sooo sensitive here for the last...few days. I just feel like everyone's critisizing me. All these people whose lives are in place seem to be telling me how fucked up mine is. It's probably just me and a level of jealousy that I have a broken home already and have to start this thing out alone.

I guess I have been complaining a lot but I think I have earned complaining rights. I never complain. I have always kept on trucking. I like to stay busy. I can't do that right now.

Instead of support from my partner, I get to do it all by myself. Everyone else has/had someone to rub their back and their feet and tell them everything will be okay. They actually think everything will be okay, even if it won't be. Me, I don't know. They get to take turns waking up with the baby. I get to do it all myself and go to school. Not that my mom hasn't helped a LOT...it's just not the same as it being the person I made my baby with. That's hard to come to grips with.

I'm sure that's why people are offering all this unsolicited advice...I'm complaining about how I wish the baby would get here and it's hot and I'm uncomfortable and bored. They are trying to offer solutions. But I think I have to be here. I get to be vulnerable and emotional and a WRECK for the first time in my life. I have TIME to be a complete wreck. And out of it I expect to heal, which I have never been able to do in my life. I get to feel this time. It's definitely scary and emotional, but it will pass.

I have continued to have symptoms that I'll be in labor soon...but still nothing. This is the waiting game. I'm glad she's baking still though, because when I left Tobey I thought the stress I was under would make her come early and not be healthy enough. I was so scared for her and I didn't feel like I was being a good mom by allowing us to be in that situation for so long. I think I did the best thing and now I'm more confident that she'll be healthy and happy. As long as she wants to stay in there she can. Now I know she'll definitely be born in July. I'll have to change the name of this blog soon to "Writings of a New Mom"!!

The title of this blog comes from a new song from Eminem, Love the Way You Lie. It's a pretty emotion-ridden song and it reminds me of Tobey and I. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suf0t5gnvT0 is the link.) I think he's the tornado and I'm the volcano. This whole thing came out of two people whose lives were a wreck who expected to make it all work without knowing each other and ourselves.

I cannot wait to be a mommy...I have wanted this since I was three. I keep being told I'll miss her being in when she's out, and maybe that's true. But I don't think so. I LIKE the thought of waking up with her (even if I do have to do it alone) and taking care of her and helping her grow. I can't wait to breastfeed or to watch her discover new things. Plus I don't really think pregnancy agrees with me, at least this one hasn't. I am much better when I can be super active and ride horses. I can't wait to see the little person she becomes....I just don't see missing being pregnant. I can't wait to do this. Maybe my next pregnancy will be better because I'll ride and actually have a supportive partner whose there the whole time. Maybe I won't be sick the whole first trimester and part of the second.

Still no news

So now is what I've heard described as the "banging your head against the wall" period. I've had some minor indications that labor could be getting closer, but none that has turned into anything. I've had lower back pain, stomach tightening (Braxton Hicks, and pretty close together too! Some have even been stronger than others, but there's been no regular rhythm.), pelvic pressure, cramps, and the whole nesting thing is kicking in.

Speaking of nesting, yesterday I had an urge to clean and oil my saddle of all things. WOW. I haven't touched it in, like, a year. Whyyyy now? LOL. This morning I vacuumed my room. Twice. With two different vacuums.

All I can say is that this had BETTER not last for three weeks. I'll be pissed. I am being teased by my own body and I don't like it! LOL

I'm scared that I won't be ready and that I won't be good enough to be a good mommy. I'm afraid of post partum depression. I have some known risk factors. Being unsupported by my partner, going through a seperation, having suffered from depression pre pregnancy, unplanned pregnancy...just to name a few.

I am afraid that I won't be able to accomplish my career goals the way I want to...or that I'll be so caught up in trying to do that that I will miss my children growing up. I guess one reason why I like the thought of finishing having babies by 26 or so is because then I can focus on having my babies, weaning them, THEN trying to have the high-powered career rather than doing it all at one time.

I just hope I will be able to find a balance.

The uncertainty having to do with Tobey is stressful to think about too. I want one or two more children and I want to be done having children in 5 years. So, either Tobey REALLY has to step up to the plate or I need to move on and find someone who wants the same things I do and is ready to have those things SOON. I guess in the next year I will find out which way it is going to go.

It will definitely be a crazy ride, this next year. I can't wait to be a mommy already! I have been waiting for this since I was 3 years old and playing house!

Aaaaand the waiting continues...

Tuesday Dr. Appointment/Updated Birth Plan/Other News

On Tuesday, I had an appointment at the OB's. He guessed that the baby is about 6 1/2 pounds at this time and he also said that I was 1 cm dialated and about 80% effaced. So now I'm just waiting. She could come today, or she could come in 3 weeks. This feels ridiculous...at this point I'm just waiting, waiting, waiting...

I am happy she's healthy though. Her heart beat is 140 beats/minute and she tried to hide from the doctor's doplar! HAHA! He got a heartbeat right away and then she turned away from us and it took a little bit to find her again. It's a strong heartbeat when she lets you listen! I'm also measuring about 36 cm, which is right about where I should be!

I decided to change my mind about the cord blood on the birth plan. Here's the new, more compact, easier-to-read version.

Birth Plan- Ramona Palm-Oslin
EDD:7/13/10
Dr. Stockwell, OB/GYN
• Birth Partners are: Kittie Palm-Houser, mother; Amy Wakeling, doula; Tobey Johnson, FOB (possibly)
• Music requested
• Pictures to be taken during labor and after birth by partners
Labor:
• I’d like to do early labor at home and come to the hospital while in active labor.
• Once admitted I would like
o My birth partners to stay with me at all times
o To have clear fluids instead of an IV for hydration
o To walk and move around as I choose
o To be allowed to progress without time limits, as long as all is well.
• As long as baby and I are doing well, I would like to have intermittent rather than continuous fetal monitoring.
• INDUCTION OPTIONS
o I don’t want the amniotic membrane ruptured manually unless there is fetal distress.
o I want to try nipple stimulation and changing positions before pitocin is administered, unless there is a problem with baby or me.
• When it’s time to push, I would like to do so instinctively rather than be told when to, unless I ask for help.
• I’d like to be in a semi- reclining position when it’s time to push. I would also like this to progress naturally and at its own rate unless there’s a problem.
• I would like to manage pain by shower, breathing and distraction techniques, hot/cold therapy, massage, birthing ball, walking, etc.
o Will request epidural if I need it- I do not want it offered please! 
• I would like to risk a tear rather than have an episiotomy, unless the baby is in distress.
• After Birth:
o I would like my baby to be placed on my chest to try to nurse right away; any non urgent procedures should be put off.
o I would like to breastfeed ASAP.
• The placenta should be delivered spontaneously.
In Case of C-Section
• I want my mom present in this case, and Tobey if he’s there. I also want my doula there to help me nurse once I give birth.
• I want the baby given to Tobey if he’s there, my mother if he’s not right after she is dried.
• I want to breastfeed in the recovery room. No bottles or pacifiers should be offered.
Post-Partum
• After delivery, I would like all newborn procedures done in my presence, including bathing, weight taking, etc. and for my mom/Tobey to be with the baby at all times if I can’t be there
• I would like to delay clamping the cord and let it pulsate for 3-5 minutes until pulsating ceases.
• I plan to BREASTFEED EXCLUSIVELY. PLEASE DO NOT OFFER MY BABY ANY BOTTLE/FORMULA OR A PACIFIER AT ANY TIME!!!! Unless a bottle is needed for medical reasons.
• I want to feed on demand.
• I want to room in with my baby 24 hours a day unless there’s a problem with her or unless I request she go to the nursery.






I GOT THAT APARTMENT ON CAPITAL AVENUE IN FRANKFORT!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess two people had turned in applications but their credit was denied. God really works for people who trust him! I worked hard to turn that aspect of my life over to him, for me anyway, and he came through for me! I am so pleased to have that apartment; it's SOOO nice! It's just what I wanted and it's a relief to know I have it.

More about the Birth Plan

I realize labor won't necessarily go exactly as I imagine it, but at least there is an outline there for what I absolutely want to try and what I absolutely don't want. Otherwise, it's what the doctors want to do because it's easiest and it covers their asses.

I did add to it under vaginal birth that I want the placenta to be delivered spontaneously, that's instead of them deciding it needs to come out at x point and that they need to go in and get it because it can't wait until it's ready.

That's actually about it for now, at least when it comes to that. We'll see how close the actual labor, etc. goes to this!

Birth Plan

This is what I typed up today.

Birth Plan
EDD:7/13/10
Dr. Stockwell
Delivering at Riverside Hospital

Attendants and Ammenities:
People Present:
• Kittie Palm-Houser, mother
• Amy Wakeling, Doula
• Tobey Johnson, FOB (possibly)
Other Details:
• Music requested
• Pictures to be taken during labor and after birth(by mother)

Labor:
• I’d like to do early labor at home and come to the hospital while in active labor.
• Once admitted I would like
o My birth partners to stay with me at all times
o To have clear fluids instead of an IV for hydration
o To walk and move around as I choose
o A birthing ball
o To take showers
o To be allowed to progress without time limits, as long as all is well.
• As long as baby and I are doing well, I would like to have intermittent rather than continuous fetal monitoring.
• INDUCTION OPTIONS
o I don’t want the amniotic membrane ruptured manually unless there is fetal distress.
o I want to try nipple stimulation and changing positions before pitocin is administered.
• When it’s time to push, I would like to do so instinctively rather than be told when to, unless I ask for help.
• I’d like to be in a semi- reclining position when it’s time to push. I would also like this to progress naturally and at its own rate unless there’s a problem.

PAIN RELIEF
• I would like to manage pain by
o Shower
o Breathing and distraction techniques
o Hot/cold therapy
o Visualization
o Massage
o Birthing ball/walking
o Will request epidural if I need it- I do not want it offered please!

Vaginal Birth
• I would like to risk a tear rather than have an episiotomy, unless the baby is in distress.
• After Birth:
o I would like my baby to place on my chest to try to nurse right away, any non urgent procedures should be put off.
o I would like to breastfeed ASAP
o No oxytocin after placenta delivery

C-Section
• I want my mom present in this case, and Tobey if he’s there. I also want my doula there to help me nurse once I give birth.
• I want the baby given to Tobey if he’s there, my mother if he’s not right after she is dried.
• I want to breastfeed in the recovery room. No bottles or pacifiers should be offered.

Post-Partum
• After delivery, I would like:
o All newborn procedures done in my presence, including bathing, weight taking, etc.
o My mom/Tobey to be with the baby at all times if I can’t be there
• I would like the cord cut right after and I want to bank the cord blood.
• I plan to BREASTFEED EXCLUSIVELY. PLEASE DO NOT OFFER MY BABY ANY BOTTLE/FORMULA OR A PACIFIER AT ANY TIME!!!! Unless a bottle is needed for medical reasons.
• I want to feed on demand.
• I want to room in with my baby 24 hours a day unless there’s a problem with her or unless I request she go to the nursery.

Doula

I met with a doula on Tuesday. She was recommended by my next door neighbor, Cindy. I have decided to use her during the birth.

What happened Tuesday was a free consultation where she told me what hiring her involved and gave me some literature on different options during the birthing process and additional prenatal care she would have me do.



What I'm doing now is adding Calcium Magnesium and Evening Primrose Oil to my daily supplements. I don't really remember what the Calcium is for, but the Primrose Oil is said to help with softening a woman's cervix. Apparently a first time labor requires the cervix to soften before a woman can dialate, whereas after that she can dialate without softening, so it's important that my cervix have as much help as possible so that I can have a natural labor.

She also gave me a recipe for pregnancy tea, which Steve made for me. I drink a couple glasses a day. Also, I have a list of foods high in protein that are also nutritious. My mom got the ingredients I needed today and the rest of the stuff we already have. So, I can make small meals out of those things. Most of them are lighter than meat, anyway, which is better because sometimes I get heartburn from eating too much meat.

I also have to write up a birth plan including what I want to happen during labor, during birth, and after the birth. Basically, whether I want (unnecessary) induction, pitocin, epidurals, etc. and whether I want to walk, shower, etc., then whether I want the cord cut right away (apparently there are benefits to waiting), then whether I want the baby handed straight to me before she is weighed, cleaned, etc. and given a chance to nurse, whether I want them to offer her any formula or a pacifier, etc. That needs to be done soon. It really should have been done in time for my doctor's appointment on Thursday so the doctor could sign off on it sooner rather than later, since he's out of town today until the 27th. But, it wasn't. I just have to do that as soon as possible.

The plan is that I will have two office visits and one home visit before the baby is born. Then, when I go into labor, she will come to my home and labor with me until we decide it's time to go to the hospital and finish laboring there, probably at about 7 cm or so. Then she will help me through the rest and assist me with breastfeeding when the baby is born. We then have a follow up visit about 3 weeks after Kiley is born. I already have a visit scheduled at the office for Wednesday at 8 PM, then another at home the following Tuesday at 12:30.

I'm pretty excited about this. It makes me feel better about the possibility of a natural labor.

36 weeks, 2 days today

I went to the OB again today and have another appointment for Tuesday at 9:45 AM. The regular OB is out of town next week so another Riverside Hospital OB is filling in and it's only one day during one hour. Normally it wouldn't be 5 days apart like that, but that's why it is this time.

Anyway, she's doing perfect. There are still no signs that I'll go into labor anytime soon. That's a good thing, she's still "preterm" right now. The longer she can bake in here, the better. That's not to say I'm not plenty ready to be done being pregnant and to meet her!

I find it hard to tell people how I feel about my baby, but I really can't wait to hold her. I really can't wait to be a mommy. I've wanted to be a mom since I was about 3 years old. When I got pregnant, I had no plans to have any babies anytime soon. Most of my friends had names for babies like "crib midgets." I wasn't much different.

I knew what to do with a baby, but I didn't have any desire to be around them very much at that point in my life. I liked the fact that everyone I was around could take care of themselves, at least enough to feed themselves and wipe themselves! (Although her dad really isn't that great at taking care of himself! I didn't even realize how much I was taking care of him until I wasn't anymore!) No one I was around was under 17. I was fine with that. Spending my weekends playing Spongebob Life with a 10 year old and changing diapers was NOT my idea of a good time. I had NO plans to be a mommy for a WHILE.

The day I found out I was pregnant, that all changed. My whole world changed. I struggled hard to quit smoking, and finally kicked the habit completely 3 weeks and 2 days ago. I started making plans differently. I started to think about her before I thought about what I wanted to do, eat, drink, smoke, not do, whatever. She even trumped horses. (I haven't ridden since December.) I never thought ANYTHING would trump horses.

There have definitely been times when I have missed riding so much I could shoot myself but I have NEVER resented her for a second! I know that graduate school will be VERY HARD for me with a child to worry about, as will getting my bachelor's, but I NEVER resented her for that. I think she's a blessing. I thought I would resent her at some point of my pregnancy, while I was puking my guts up or experiencing round ligament pain...but I really was able to seperate PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS from MY HELPLESS, INNOCENT CHILD. I am really surprised with myself!

I am now having fears that I won't be a good mommy. I don't even know why. I know what makes a good mommy and I'm clearly willing to change things around to accomodate her. I guess it's just normal, not thinking you will be good enough to do a good job at something so huge and beautiful as raising a child.

I just have to remind myself of the sacrifices I've already made for my child without a second thought and trust that I would make them again in a heartbeat and so much more.

I am not SCARED of the labor and delivery at this point. I am scared that something will go wrong with HER and that she won't be okay, but I guess that is normal, too. I just have to pray that she will be protected, do what I can do to have a healthy newborn, and try to relax. This is such a wild ride!

Character defects: My emergencies are everyone else's

I think it all boils down to selfishness, but I really do come off this way many times. I panic when I plan on things being done a certain way at a certain time and they are not. Then everyone else must jump on it immediately.

Hormones at 8 months pregnant do not help this little habit because it makes all my emotions and sentiments about 1000 times stronger!

That is a character defect to work on, and the solution is to pray to be more available to and aware of others, and to help them. Prayer does no good without any action. I struggle with this, though, too, as I have mentioned in previous blogs. I guess it's something I will REALLY need to work on ASAP.

*Dish bill update:
I called today because the boxes need to be reshipped (since Tobey didn't tell Bo, the Native American he's living with, that they would be coming so Bo didn't know they were at the right address and sent them away.) and found out I only have to pay $280 for a cancellation fee to Dish. STILL quite ridiculous, but better than $315. My grandma is giving me $300 to spend! So, I'll pay the $280 to Dish and then have $20 to spend!

My mom says I should get something for me with the $20, even though my first instinct is to save the money for diaper and wipe money. I said I'd spend it on me, but I don't know whether I will...I may not be able to resist the temptation to put it in Kiley's saving account. Yes, I opened an unborn child a savings account. Probably in attempt to avoid what this blog was originally about.

Well, I think I'm going to hit the sack pretty soon, but there's my update for today.. Tomorrow I meet with the doula my next door neigbor recommended for the first time!

Inventory-- "Closed- Mouth" Syndrome

Part of this little antisocial thing has been pure tiredness, but I think I need to take a deeper look at it.

I don't talk in meetings hardly at all, in fact the last couple of times I have totally forgot what I was trying to say (pregnant brain!) and spaced out in the middle of my sentence. I couldn't even find anything to say upon receiving my one year chip. I don't REALLY know why this is....except maybe that I talk so much most of the time, maybe I need to learn how NOT to say anything. I think right now that could be the truth.

Another reason I don't talk much is because sometimes it's really hard to bear my soul to a room full of mostly older people. The ones who aren't older, for the most part, want no part of sobriety. For the most part, they are there because of a DUI or a public intoxication charge and plan to go get really shitty after the meeting. I, quite frankly, want nothing to do with them. As for older people, I feel like they won't be interested in what I have to say. And I'm probably wrong, because a lot of them say they wish they'd figured it out this young.

I've also heard a lot of them say that they did come in this young and proceeded to go back out for 5+ years. I'm scared that if I go back out, they will think I was full of shit. And, to be honest with you, I feel like I actually have nothing to say a lot of the time. The truth is, when people ask for ways to handle what they're going through, I really have no clue how to handle it, in fact a lot of times I struggle with it myself.

I'm a little scared I'll go back out. That scares me because, honestly, my plans don't really match up with what my life will become if I go back out. If I DO pick back up where I left off, I won't keep my scholarship for long. I sure as hell won't be able to keep a job. I won't want to do anything but use, drink, and sleep. That's where I was when I came in. I'm so grateful for the ego that alcoholics are famous for, because that's why I came into the rooms of AA. Because my ego was bruised because I could not control my drinking and using and I was supposed to be the strongest woman in the world.

I didn't just use drugs either, I used men. See, if I didn't smoke a blunt or drink a pint, I had sex. Anything to fill the hole, anything to make me feel better, anything to get me high in some form or another. I almost feel like allowing myself to be used like that by other people is MORE shameful than the drug doing.

The first year of sobriety, I may not have done drugs or drank alcohol, but I got another addiction! Tobey! He worked for a little while, too! Once I got pregnant and he went back to doing drugs, he no longer worked because he wouldn't pay attention to me anymore and I tried to FORCE him to work! I tried to literally force him. I tried to make him think it was his JOB to be everything I wanted. I want something different in my second year...I want to be SOBER and let GOD/MY HIGHER POWER be my "addiction"/"refuge"/"hole-filler" whatever you want to call it!!

You know what though, it's hard to get out of myself when my instincts are turning inward, to my baby and to my body. I'm doing what I can, and most days I make it to a meeting, try to call my sponsor, try to get some big book reading in, try to pray at least a little, try to be honest and of service, and I don't use or drink. But you know, some days I'm just too damn tired to get anything out of a meeting!

When I only have one other thing, a meeting is just fine to get to and I get something out of it. When I have 4 or 5 other things going on, I get nothing out of it and I just resent being there. I guess those are the times when I need to try and really be of service. Right now, though, my maternal instincts are telling me that only my baby is important and therefore what my body thinks my baby needs is the ONLY priority. Sometimes that's sleep or rest instead of a meeting.

Oh, I can't get ahold of my sponsor!!!!! UGH frustrating...I feel that a lot lately. I had road rage yesterday and it scared me. It makes me scared to drive anywhere. My hormones are taking me for a ride!!! I have NEVER experienced impatience, frustration, anger, resentment, sadness, ANYTHING like this before!! Crazy hormones!

My point is that I may have 1 year and 2 weeks sober, but I am still a complete mess!!! I just want to try to make this second year of sobriety count and really try to be a little more serene. Here goes, I guess!