I watch 16 and Pregnant a lot. It is one of my guilty pleasures. I think I relate to some of those girls. I was with a stupid guy who I thought I loved and was delusional enough to believe he loved me. I was not planning on getting pregnant. I worry about money and about finishing school. I find it easy to sympathize with them.
Some of those girls really take to motherhood with flying colors. They grow up to become mothers. Others are just not ready. It really makes me think about the fact that some people should not be allowed to have kids, and about what makes someone "qualified" to be a mother. I just don't believe that the ability to reproduce automatically qualifies you as a parent. I don't necessarily think I am completely qualified, so don't think I am preaching.
So, here are some vital characteristics I believe a person should have to become a parent:
-Goal- oriented
-Financially stable
-have basic life skills (having had a while to learn to budget, a stable home in which to live, basic maintenance skills, knowing when to ask for help and when to tough it out)
-have a stable relationship with his or her partner
-spirituality
-a sense of his or her impact on the earth
-ability to stick to a schedule
-selflessness
-eating right
-knowledge of child development- physical, mental, emotional
-the willingness to at least try breastfeeding
-emotional maturity
-willingness to be up all night with a sick child, then get up at 7 for a full day of work because you HAVE to
-realization that the purpose of having a child is to impart wisdom and provide love and basic needs, not as a form of validation to provide YOU with love
-willing to make sacrifices to provide his or her child with the best education possible
-able to set boundaries
I will, of course, add to this list as I think of things. Most young people simply don't have many, if ANY, of these characteristics. There are certainly areas where I am lacking.
That being said, I do believe someone who is willing to become those things and strives to become those things has a shot at being a pretty good parent. That means actively trying to become those things rather than just sitting back and waiting for them to happen. Life will never be ideal, but it is our jobs as parents to make it as close as possible. When someone choose to have a child, he or she chooses to grow up and make necessary changes. If he or she can't grow up, then maybe parenting isn't for him or her!
Sometimes I think that a lot of people parent too much by the results they want and less from instinct. That is hard not to do with the artificial world we are living in. However, I believe there will never ever be parenting shortcuts. A lot of the books say not to start a child on solids until 6 months. Well, That may be fine for most children, but I also read a lot about the symptoms of being ready for solids. At 3 1/2 months, Kiley was exhibiting all of them, so I started her on them. She has done wonderfully on them and I think waiting would have been a mistake. I didn't follow any book or talk to any doctor, I just knew she was ready and started her. If she had shown signs on not being ready once I tried to start, I would have had to stop. I use the books as a guide, but I don't use them as an end all- be all. I think that quality has been VERY important for keeping parenting low- stress.
12.23.2010
Graduation fears
On May 14th, of 2011, I will be the recipient of a Bachelor of Arts in Equine Business. I am counting down the days, believe me! It's not even 5 months down the road!
I am looking forward to graduating, but I'm also having feelings of fear. I need to find a job when I graduate and I am nervous that I won't be able to find anything. I really want to find a job before I graduate. The thought of not having one when I graduate is absolutely daunting.
The game plan is to send out my resumes to as many equine-related organizations as possible and hope someone has an opening. I even plan on sending out resumes out of state. That is another thing that scares me: what if I have to leave the state? I won't know anyone, won't know the area...I am terrified. Will Tobey give me shit if that happens? Will he try to keep me from supporting my daughter? He probably will do no more than whine, but I still fear that possibility.
I also am fearful that my dreams about riding will take too long. I want to ride with the big dogs. I don't know whether I am good enough, but I at least want to try and find out. I do not want to spend my whole life wondering "what-if"? I want Kiley to watch her mother chase her dreams so she will never be afraid to.
These are just some of the thoughts that are going through my mind as my college career ends. I have always been in school. I don't know how not to be.
If I don't post again before Christmas, Merry Christmas!
I am looking forward to graduating, but I'm also having feelings of fear. I need to find a job when I graduate and I am nervous that I won't be able to find anything. I really want to find a job before I graduate. The thought of not having one when I graduate is absolutely daunting.
The game plan is to send out my resumes to as many equine-related organizations as possible and hope someone has an opening. I even plan on sending out resumes out of state. That is another thing that scares me: what if I have to leave the state? I won't know anyone, won't know the area...I am terrified. Will Tobey give me shit if that happens? Will he try to keep me from supporting my daughter? He probably will do no more than whine, but I still fear that possibility.
I also am fearful that my dreams about riding will take too long. I want to ride with the big dogs. I don't know whether I am good enough, but I at least want to try and find out. I do not want to spend my whole life wondering "what-if"? I want Kiley to watch her mother chase her dreams so she will never be afraid to.
These are just some of the thoughts that are going through my mind as my college career ends. I have always been in school. I don't know how not to be.
If I don't post again before Christmas, Merry Christmas!
12.17.2010
The last 5.5 months
I went into labor at 11:49 PM on July 4th after several contractions spaced throughout the day. It was an easy labor for about the 1st 15 or so hours....fairly easy contractions, or as easy as they can be. They were never more than 5 minutes apart though, some were only a minute or so apart.
I did not end up getting en epirdural, but when I came to the hospital I was between 3 and 4 cm dialated and my water had already broken. Since it was a high leak, I hadn't realized my water was broken because it was trickling as if it were just the rest of my mucus plug. So, they did administer pitocin despite my protests.
After about 15 hours, I was still only 5 cm. All of a sudden, I guess the pitocin kicked in because I started having one contraction on top of the other and, even if I had WANTED an epidural, there wasn't any time in between contractions to administer it. By 4:30 I was 8 cm (which they about had to hold me down to find out....I wasn't too in to being touched at this point) at which point I thought I was having a bowel movement and tried to push into the toilet. I was told to come back in, and, by this point 20 minutes later, I was 10 cm dialated. She was born after about 7 pushes as 5:10 PM naturally with no interventions at the hospital.
She had a knot in her cord. Since they are too big to do that after about 20 weeks, she had been living like that for most of my pregnancy. Luckily she had a long cord so it never pulled tight. She is an absolute miracle because that usually kills a growing fetus, since it doesn't allow blood flow. I had felt reduced movement the day before and I'm guessing that was why, because she had dropped. I did get stretchmarks the last few days when she dropped. I was so mad because I had made it so far and then, WHAM! But I'm grateful to have had a beautiful, healthy little girl!
Tobey is now out of the picture. He has been nothing but a pain before and since she was born. He is irresponsible and hardly deserving of such a little angel! I hope one day I can convince him to sign over his rights and, when I meet someone great, that he can adopt her and show her what a man and a dad looks like.
She is hilarious! Coughs just for reaction, laughs at the most random things, doesn't mind horses one little bit, is growing like a weed....She mastered nursing right away and we have been going strong nursing! She gained 15 oz the first 5 days home! Amazing little girl...
Some people have made rude comments about my nursing, but most have understood there is nothing dirty, unnatural, or especially intimate about it. It is a child's natural means of eating and the way God intended her to eat. If God had meant her to eat from a bottle, he would have made them himself. As it stands, man made bottles, God made boobs. My argument is, who do you think knows better? That's what I thought! To those who say it has nothing to do with God, you are wrong. God is very much a part of my breastfeeding relationship. He is something I celebrate when I nurse! He was good to us, gave me more than enough supply! It is, however, getting harder to nurse in public since she is older and more interested in her surroundings and gets very distracted. So, at this point, I do try to find a quiet little nook.
She talks up a storm and laughs as if she is seeing the more hilarious thing ever. I love it! She is such a little person! I am so in love with her!
I have realized I do NOT want a 2nd major in accounting. It is not a career for me. I do not like studying it at all, so I am thinking I wouldn't like doing it for a living. I also don't want to miss Kiley growing up. I don't want to spend all day working then come home and rush off to class. I love law, and I want to save my money and resources for law school.
I am very disappointed with this last semester. I was only able to get a 2.9 GPA because they raised the grading scale so that 93+ is an A, 86-93 is a B, and so on...and I just couldn't pull a couple of them up to B's. I am very disappointed, but I suppose I can't be too hard on myself since Kiley still isn't sleeping through the night, doesn't nap, I was taking care of her unless I was in class 6 hours a week, and I only was able to do homework from 8-12 at night. This semester was mostly accounting, and I am just not interested enough in accounting to kill myself like that!
Next semester, I will have an internship and classes during the day. I will try to get all my schoolwork done then because she will be in daycare. Then, nights, mornings, and weekends will be just for Miss Kiley! I think my sanity will be appreciative!
Being a single mom is the hardest, most rewarding thing I have EVER done. I am SO glad not to have Tobey around. I truly believe life would be so much more stressful with him around because he is like a child; he is incredibly self- centered! So, yes, life is good. I have some regrets, but I try not to dwell on them. I think anyone who says that they have no regrets is a big fat liar!
I did not end up getting en epirdural, but when I came to the hospital I was between 3 and 4 cm dialated and my water had already broken. Since it was a high leak, I hadn't realized my water was broken because it was trickling as if it were just the rest of my mucus plug. So, they did administer pitocin despite my protests.
After about 15 hours, I was still only 5 cm. All of a sudden, I guess the pitocin kicked in because I started having one contraction on top of the other and, even if I had WANTED an epidural, there wasn't any time in between contractions to administer it. By 4:30 I was 8 cm (which they about had to hold me down to find out....I wasn't too in to being touched at this point) at which point I thought I was having a bowel movement and tried to push into the toilet. I was told to come back in, and, by this point 20 minutes later, I was 10 cm dialated. She was born after about 7 pushes as 5:10 PM naturally with no interventions at the hospital.
She had a knot in her cord. Since they are too big to do that after about 20 weeks, she had been living like that for most of my pregnancy. Luckily she had a long cord so it never pulled tight. She is an absolute miracle because that usually kills a growing fetus, since it doesn't allow blood flow. I had felt reduced movement the day before and I'm guessing that was why, because she had dropped. I did get stretchmarks the last few days when she dropped. I was so mad because I had made it so far and then, WHAM! But I'm grateful to have had a beautiful, healthy little girl!
Tobey is now out of the picture. He has been nothing but a pain before and since she was born. He is irresponsible and hardly deserving of such a little angel! I hope one day I can convince him to sign over his rights and, when I meet someone great, that he can adopt her and show her what a man and a dad looks like.
She is hilarious! Coughs just for reaction, laughs at the most random things, doesn't mind horses one little bit, is growing like a weed....She mastered nursing right away and we have been going strong nursing! She gained 15 oz the first 5 days home! Amazing little girl...
Some people have made rude comments about my nursing, but most have understood there is nothing dirty, unnatural, or especially intimate about it. It is a child's natural means of eating and the way God intended her to eat. If God had meant her to eat from a bottle, he would have made them himself. As it stands, man made bottles, God made boobs. My argument is, who do you think knows better? That's what I thought! To those who say it has nothing to do with God, you are wrong. God is very much a part of my breastfeeding relationship. He is something I celebrate when I nurse! He was good to us, gave me more than enough supply! It is, however, getting harder to nurse in public since she is older and more interested in her surroundings and gets very distracted. So, at this point, I do try to find a quiet little nook.
She talks up a storm and laughs as if she is seeing the more hilarious thing ever. I love it! She is such a little person! I am so in love with her!
I have realized I do NOT want a 2nd major in accounting. It is not a career for me. I do not like studying it at all, so I am thinking I wouldn't like doing it for a living. I also don't want to miss Kiley growing up. I don't want to spend all day working then come home and rush off to class. I love law, and I want to save my money and resources for law school.
I am very disappointed with this last semester. I was only able to get a 2.9 GPA because they raised the grading scale so that 93+ is an A, 86-93 is a B, and so on...and I just couldn't pull a couple of them up to B's. I am very disappointed, but I suppose I can't be too hard on myself since Kiley still isn't sleeping through the night, doesn't nap, I was taking care of her unless I was in class 6 hours a week, and I only was able to do homework from 8-12 at night. This semester was mostly accounting, and I am just not interested enough in accounting to kill myself like that!
Next semester, I will have an internship and classes during the day. I will try to get all my schoolwork done then because she will be in daycare. Then, nights, mornings, and weekends will be just for Miss Kiley! I think my sanity will be appreciative!
Being a single mom is the hardest, most rewarding thing I have EVER done. I am SO glad not to have Tobey around. I truly believe life would be so much more stressful with him around because he is like a child; he is incredibly self- centered! So, yes, life is good. I have some regrets, but I try not to dwell on them. I think anyone who says that they have no regrets is a big fat liar!
Kiley
That picture is newborn Kiley. Isn't she beautiful?
She was born July 5th at 5:10 PM after 17 1/2 hours of labor. She was 6 lbs 6.6 oz, 19.5 in long, and head circimpherence of 12 3/4 if I remember right. She was a natural birth.
I will write another post later about the labor, birth, and the last 5 months.
7.01.2010
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
I have been sooo sensitive here for the last...few days. I just feel like everyone's critisizing me. All these people whose lives are in place seem to be telling me how fucked up mine is. It's probably just me and a level of jealousy that I have a broken home already and have to start this thing out alone.
I guess I have been complaining a lot but I think I have earned complaining rights. I never complain. I have always kept on trucking. I like to stay busy. I can't do that right now.
Instead of support from my partner, I get to do it all by myself. Everyone else has/had someone to rub their back and their feet and tell them everything will be okay. They actually think everything will be okay, even if it won't be. Me, I don't know. They get to take turns waking up with the baby. I get to do it all myself and go to school. Not that my mom hasn't helped a LOT...it's just not the same as it being the person I made my baby with. That's hard to come to grips with.
I'm sure that's why people are offering all this unsolicited advice...I'm complaining about how I wish the baby would get here and it's hot and I'm uncomfortable and bored. They are trying to offer solutions. But I think I have to be here. I get to be vulnerable and emotional and a WRECK for the first time in my life. I have TIME to be a complete wreck. And out of it I expect to heal, which I have never been able to do in my life. I get to feel this time. It's definitely scary and emotional, but it will pass.
I have continued to have symptoms that I'll be in labor soon...but still nothing. This is the waiting game. I'm glad she's baking still though, because when I left Tobey I thought the stress I was under would make her come early and not be healthy enough. I was so scared for her and I didn't feel like I was being a good mom by allowing us to be in that situation for so long. I think I did the best thing and now I'm more confident that she'll be healthy and happy. As long as she wants to stay in there she can. Now I know she'll definitely be born in July. I'll have to change the name of this blog soon to "Writings of a New Mom"!!
The title of this blog comes from a new song from Eminem, Love the Way You Lie. It's a pretty emotion-ridden song and it reminds me of Tobey and I. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suf0t5gnvT0 is the link.) I think he's the tornado and I'm the volcano. This whole thing came out of two people whose lives were a wreck who expected to make it all work without knowing each other and ourselves.
I cannot wait to be a mommy...I have wanted this since I was three. I keep being told I'll miss her being in when she's out, and maybe that's true. But I don't think so. I LIKE the thought of waking up with her (even if I do have to do it alone) and taking care of her and helping her grow. I can't wait to breastfeed or to watch her discover new things. Plus I don't really think pregnancy agrees with me, at least this one hasn't. I am much better when I can be super active and ride horses. I can't wait to see the little person she becomes....I just don't see missing being pregnant. I can't wait to do this. Maybe my next pregnancy will be better because I'll ride and actually have a supportive partner whose there the whole time. Maybe I won't be sick the whole first trimester and part of the second.
I guess I have been complaining a lot but I think I have earned complaining rights. I never complain. I have always kept on trucking. I like to stay busy. I can't do that right now.
Instead of support from my partner, I get to do it all by myself. Everyone else has/had someone to rub their back and their feet and tell them everything will be okay. They actually think everything will be okay, even if it won't be. Me, I don't know. They get to take turns waking up with the baby. I get to do it all myself and go to school. Not that my mom hasn't helped a LOT...it's just not the same as it being the person I made my baby with. That's hard to come to grips with.
I'm sure that's why people are offering all this unsolicited advice...I'm complaining about how I wish the baby would get here and it's hot and I'm uncomfortable and bored. They are trying to offer solutions. But I think I have to be here. I get to be vulnerable and emotional and a WRECK for the first time in my life. I have TIME to be a complete wreck. And out of it I expect to heal, which I have never been able to do in my life. I get to feel this time. It's definitely scary and emotional, but it will pass.
I have continued to have symptoms that I'll be in labor soon...but still nothing. This is the waiting game. I'm glad she's baking still though, because when I left Tobey I thought the stress I was under would make her come early and not be healthy enough. I was so scared for her and I didn't feel like I was being a good mom by allowing us to be in that situation for so long. I think I did the best thing and now I'm more confident that she'll be healthy and happy. As long as she wants to stay in there she can. Now I know she'll definitely be born in July. I'll have to change the name of this blog soon to "Writings of a New Mom"!!
The title of this blog comes from a new song from Eminem, Love the Way You Lie. It's a pretty emotion-ridden song and it reminds me of Tobey and I. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suf0t5gnvT0 is the link.) I think he's the tornado and I'm the volcano. This whole thing came out of two people whose lives were a wreck who expected to make it all work without knowing each other and ourselves.
I cannot wait to be a mommy...I have wanted this since I was three. I keep being told I'll miss her being in when she's out, and maybe that's true. But I don't think so. I LIKE the thought of waking up with her (even if I do have to do it alone) and taking care of her and helping her grow. I can't wait to breastfeed or to watch her discover new things. Plus I don't really think pregnancy agrees with me, at least this one hasn't. I am much better when I can be super active and ride horses. I can't wait to see the little person she becomes....I just don't see missing being pregnant. I can't wait to do this. Maybe my next pregnancy will be better because I'll ride and actually have a supportive partner whose there the whole time. Maybe I won't be sick the whole first trimester and part of the second.
6.27.2010
Still no news
So now is what I've heard described as the "banging your head against the wall" period. I've had some minor indications that labor could be getting closer, but none that has turned into anything. I've had lower back pain, stomach tightening (Braxton Hicks, and pretty close together too! Some have even been stronger than others, but there's been no regular rhythm.), pelvic pressure, cramps, and the whole nesting thing is kicking in.
Speaking of nesting, yesterday I had an urge to clean and oil my saddle of all things. WOW. I haven't touched it in, like, a year. Whyyyy now? LOL. This morning I vacuumed my room. Twice. With two different vacuums.
All I can say is that this had BETTER not last for three weeks. I'll be pissed. I am being teased by my own body and I don't like it! LOL
I'm scared that I won't be ready and that I won't be good enough to be a good mommy. I'm afraid of post partum depression. I have some known risk factors. Being unsupported by my partner, going through a seperation, having suffered from depression pre pregnancy, unplanned pregnancy...just to name a few.
I am afraid that I won't be able to accomplish my career goals the way I want to...or that I'll be so caught up in trying to do that that I will miss my children growing up. I guess one reason why I like the thought of finishing having babies by 26 or so is because then I can focus on having my babies, weaning them, THEN trying to have the high-powered career rather than doing it all at one time.
I just hope I will be able to find a balance.
The uncertainty having to do with Tobey is stressful to think about too. I want one or two more children and I want to be done having children in 5 years. So, either Tobey REALLY has to step up to the plate or I need to move on and find someone who wants the same things I do and is ready to have those things SOON. I guess in the next year I will find out which way it is going to go.
It will definitely be a crazy ride, this next year. I can't wait to be a mommy already! I have been waiting for this since I was 3 years old and playing house!
Aaaaand the waiting continues...
6.25.2010
Tuesday Dr. Appointment/Updated Birth Plan/Other News
On Tuesday, I had an appointment at the OB's. He guessed that the baby is about 6 1/2 pounds at this time and he also said that I was 1 cm dialated and about 80% effaced. So now I'm just waiting. She could come today, or she could come in 3 weeks. This feels ridiculous...at this point I'm just waiting, waiting, waiting...
I am happy she's healthy though. Her heart beat is 140 beats/minute and she tried to hide from the doctor's doplar! HAHA! He got a heartbeat right away and then she turned away from us and it took a little bit to find her again. It's a strong heartbeat when she lets you listen! I'm also measuring about 36 cm, which is right about where I should be!
I decided to change my mind about the cord blood on the birth plan. Here's the new, more compact, easier-to-read version.
Birth Plan- Ramona Palm-Oslin
EDD:7/13/10
Dr. Stockwell, OB/GYN
• Birth Partners are: Kittie Palm-Houser, mother; Amy Wakeling, doula; Tobey Johnson, FOB (possibly)
• Music requested
• Pictures to be taken during labor and after birth by partners
Labor:
• I’d like to do early labor at home and come to the hospital while in active labor.
• Once admitted I would like
o My birth partners to stay with me at all times
o To have clear fluids instead of an IV for hydration
o To walk and move around as I choose
o To be allowed to progress without time limits, as long as all is well.
• As long as baby and I are doing well, I would like to have intermittent rather than continuous fetal monitoring.
• INDUCTION OPTIONS
o I don’t want the amniotic membrane ruptured manually unless there is fetal distress.
o I want to try nipple stimulation and changing positions before pitocin is administered, unless there is a problem with baby or me.
• When it’s time to push, I would like to do so instinctively rather than be told when to, unless I ask for help.
• I’d like to be in a semi- reclining position when it’s time to push. I would also like this to progress naturally and at its own rate unless there’s a problem.
• I would like to manage pain by shower, breathing and distraction techniques, hot/cold therapy, massage, birthing ball, walking, etc.
o Will request epidural if I need it- I do not want it offered please!
• I would like to risk a tear rather than have an episiotomy, unless the baby is in distress.
• After Birth:
o I would like my baby to be placed on my chest to try to nurse right away; any non urgent procedures should be put off.
o I would like to breastfeed ASAP.
• The placenta should be delivered spontaneously.
In Case of C-Section
• I want my mom present in this case, and Tobey if he’s there. I also want my doula there to help me nurse once I give birth.
• I want the baby given to Tobey if he’s there, my mother if he’s not right after she is dried.
• I want to breastfeed in the recovery room. No bottles or pacifiers should be offered.
Post-Partum
• After delivery, I would like all newborn procedures done in my presence, including bathing, weight taking, etc. and for my mom/Tobey to be with the baby at all times if I can’t be there
• I would like to delay clamping the cord and let it pulsate for 3-5 minutes until pulsating ceases.
• I plan to BREASTFEED EXCLUSIVELY. PLEASE DO NOT OFFER MY BABY ANY BOTTLE/FORMULA OR A PACIFIER AT ANY TIME!!!! Unless a bottle is needed for medical reasons.
• I want to feed on demand.
• I want to room in with my baby 24 hours a day unless there’s a problem with her or unless I request she go to the nursery.
I GOT THAT APARTMENT ON CAPITAL AVENUE IN FRANKFORT!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess two people had turned in applications but their credit was denied. God really works for people who trust him! I worked hard to turn that aspect of my life over to him, for me anyway, and he came through for me! I am so pleased to have that apartment; it's SOOO nice! It's just what I wanted and it's a relief to know I have it.
I am happy she's healthy though. Her heart beat is 140 beats/minute and she tried to hide from the doctor's doplar! HAHA! He got a heartbeat right away and then she turned away from us and it took a little bit to find her again. It's a strong heartbeat when she lets you listen! I'm also measuring about 36 cm, which is right about where I should be!
I decided to change my mind about the cord blood on the birth plan. Here's the new, more compact, easier-to-read version.
Birth Plan- Ramona Palm-Oslin
EDD:7/13/10
Dr. Stockwell, OB/GYN
• Birth Partners are: Kittie Palm-Houser, mother; Amy Wakeling, doula; Tobey Johnson, FOB (possibly)
• Music requested
• Pictures to be taken during labor and after birth by partners
Labor:
• I’d like to do early labor at home and come to the hospital while in active labor.
• Once admitted I would like
o My birth partners to stay with me at all times
o To have clear fluids instead of an IV for hydration
o To walk and move around as I choose
o To be allowed to progress without time limits, as long as all is well.
• As long as baby and I are doing well, I would like to have intermittent rather than continuous fetal monitoring.
• INDUCTION OPTIONS
o I don’t want the amniotic membrane ruptured manually unless there is fetal distress.
o I want to try nipple stimulation and changing positions before pitocin is administered, unless there is a problem with baby or me.
• When it’s time to push, I would like to do so instinctively rather than be told when to, unless I ask for help.
• I’d like to be in a semi- reclining position when it’s time to push. I would also like this to progress naturally and at its own rate unless there’s a problem.
• I would like to manage pain by shower, breathing and distraction techniques, hot/cold therapy, massage, birthing ball, walking, etc.
o Will request epidural if I need it- I do not want it offered please!
• I would like to risk a tear rather than have an episiotomy, unless the baby is in distress.
• After Birth:
o I would like my baby to be placed on my chest to try to nurse right away; any non urgent procedures should be put off.
o I would like to breastfeed ASAP.
• The placenta should be delivered spontaneously.
In Case of C-Section
• I want my mom present in this case, and Tobey if he’s there. I also want my doula there to help me nurse once I give birth.
• I want the baby given to Tobey if he’s there, my mother if he’s not right after she is dried.
• I want to breastfeed in the recovery room. No bottles or pacifiers should be offered.
Post-Partum
• After delivery, I would like all newborn procedures done in my presence, including bathing, weight taking, etc. and for my mom/Tobey to be with the baby at all times if I can’t be there
• I would like to delay clamping the cord and let it pulsate for 3-5 minutes until pulsating ceases.
• I plan to BREASTFEED EXCLUSIVELY. PLEASE DO NOT OFFER MY BABY ANY BOTTLE/FORMULA OR A PACIFIER AT ANY TIME!!!! Unless a bottle is needed for medical reasons.
• I want to feed on demand.
• I want to room in with my baby 24 hours a day unless there’s a problem with her or unless I request she go to the nursery.
I GOT THAT APARTMENT ON CAPITAL AVENUE IN FRANKFORT!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess two people had turned in applications but their credit was denied. God really works for people who trust him! I worked hard to turn that aspect of my life over to him, for me anyway, and he came through for me! I am so pleased to have that apartment; it's SOOO nice! It's just what I wanted and it's a relief to know I have it.
6.20.2010
More about the Birth Plan
I realize labor won't necessarily go exactly as I imagine it, but at least there is an outline there for what I absolutely want to try and what I absolutely don't want. Otherwise, it's what the doctors want to do because it's easiest and it covers their asses.
I did add to it under vaginal birth that I want the placenta to be delivered spontaneously, that's instead of them deciding it needs to come out at x point and that they need to go in and get it because it can't wait until it's ready.
That's actually about it for now, at least when it comes to that. We'll see how close the actual labor, etc. goes to this!
I did add to it under vaginal birth that I want the placenta to be delivered spontaneously, that's instead of them deciding it needs to come out at x point and that they need to go in and get it because it can't wait until it's ready.
That's actually about it for now, at least when it comes to that. We'll see how close the actual labor, etc. goes to this!
6.19.2010
Birth Plan
This is what I typed up today.
Birth Plan
EDD:7/13/10
Dr. Stockwell
Delivering at Riverside Hospital
Attendants and Ammenities:
People Present:
• Kittie Palm-Houser, mother
• Amy Wakeling, Doula
• Tobey Johnson, FOB (possibly)
Other Details:
• Music requested
• Pictures to be taken during labor and after birth(by mother)
Labor:
• I’d like to do early labor at home and come to the hospital while in active labor.
• Once admitted I would like
o My birth partners to stay with me at all times
o To have clear fluids instead of an IV for hydration
o To walk and move around as I choose
o A birthing ball
o To take showers
o To be allowed to progress without time limits, as long as all is well.
• As long as baby and I are doing well, I would like to have intermittent rather than continuous fetal monitoring.
• INDUCTION OPTIONS
o I don’t want the amniotic membrane ruptured manually unless there is fetal distress.
o I want to try nipple stimulation and changing positions before pitocin is administered.
• When it’s time to push, I would like to do so instinctively rather than be told when to, unless I ask for help.
• I’d like to be in a semi- reclining position when it’s time to push. I would also like this to progress naturally and at its own rate unless there’s a problem.
PAIN RELIEF
• I would like to manage pain by
o Shower
o Breathing and distraction techniques
o Hot/cold therapy
o Visualization
o Massage
o Birthing ball/walking
o Will request epidural if I need it- I do not want it offered please!
Vaginal Birth
• I would like to risk a tear rather than have an episiotomy, unless the baby is in distress.
• After Birth:
o I would like my baby to place on my chest to try to nurse right away, any non urgent procedures should be put off.
o I would like to breastfeed ASAP
o No oxytocin after placenta delivery
C-Section
• I want my mom present in this case, and Tobey if he’s there. I also want my doula there to help me nurse once I give birth.
• I want the baby given to Tobey if he’s there, my mother if he’s not right after she is dried.
• I want to breastfeed in the recovery room. No bottles or pacifiers should be offered.
Post-Partum
• After delivery, I would like:
o All newborn procedures done in my presence, including bathing, weight taking, etc.
o My mom/Tobey to be with the baby at all times if I can’t be there
• I would like the cord cut right after and I want to bank the cord blood.
• I plan to BREASTFEED EXCLUSIVELY. PLEASE DO NOT OFFER MY BABY ANY BOTTLE/FORMULA OR A PACIFIER AT ANY TIME!!!! Unless a bottle is needed for medical reasons.
• I want to feed on demand.
• I want to room in with my baby 24 hours a day unless there’s a problem with her or unless I request she go to the nursery.
Birth Plan
EDD:7/13/10
Dr. Stockwell
Delivering at Riverside Hospital
Attendants and Ammenities:
People Present:
• Kittie Palm-Houser, mother
• Amy Wakeling, Doula
• Tobey Johnson, FOB (possibly)
Other Details:
• Music requested
• Pictures to be taken during labor and after birth(by mother)
Labor:
• I’d like to do early labor at home and come to the hospital while in active labor.
• Once admitted I would like
o My birth partners to stay with me at all times
o To have clear fluids instead of an IV for hydration
o To walk and move around as I choose
o A birthing ball
o To take showers
o To be allowed to progress without time limits, as long as all is well.
• As long as baby and I are doing well, I would like to have intermittent rather than continuous fetal monitoring.
• INDUCTION OPTIONS
o I don’t want the amniotic membrane ruptured manually unless there is fetal distress.
o I want to try nipple stimulation and changing positions before pitocin is administered.
• When it’s time to push, I would like to do so instinctively rather than be told when to, unless I ask for help.
• I’d like to be in a semi- reclining position when it’s time to push. I would also like this to progress naturally and at its own rate unless there’s a problem.
PAIN RELIEF
• I would like to manage pain by
o Shower
o Breathing and distraction techniques
o Hot/cold therapy
o Visualization
o Massage
o Birthing ball/walking
o Will request epidural if I need it- I do not want it offered please!
Vaginal Birth
• I would like to risk a tear rather than have an episiotomy, unless the baby is in distress.
• After Birth:
o I would like my baby to place on my chest to try to nurse right away, any non urgent procedures should be put off.
o I would like to breastfeed ASAP
o No oxytocin after placenta delivery
C-Section
• I want my mom present in this case, and Tobey if he’s there. I also want my doula there to help me nurse once I give birth.
• I want the baby given to Tobey if he’s there, my mother if he’s not right after she is dried.
• I want to breastfeed in the recovery room. No bottles or pacifiers should be offered.
Post-Partum
• After delivery, I would like:
o All newborn procedures done in my presence, including bathing, weight taking, etc.
o My mom/Tobey to be with the baby at all times if I can’t be there
• I would like the cord cut right after and I want to bank the cord blood.
• I plan to BREASTFEED EXCLUSIVELY. PLEASE DO NOT OFFER MY BABY ANY BOTTLE/FORMULA OR A PACIFIER AT ANY TIME!!!! Unless a bottle is needed for medical reasons.
• I want to feed on demand.
• I want to room in with my baby 24 hours a day unless there’s a problem with her or unless I request she go to the nursery.
6.18.2010
Doula
I met with a doula on Tuesday. She was recommended by my next door neighbor, Cindy. I have decided to use her during the birth.
What happened Tuesday was a free consultation where she told me what hiring her involved and gave me some literature on different options during the birthing process and additional prenatal care she would have me do.
What I'm doing now is adding Calcium Magnesium and Evening Primrose Oil to my daily supplements. I don't really remember what the Calcium is for, but the Primrose Oil is said to help with softening a woman's cervix. Apparently a first time labor requires the cervix to soften before a woman can dialate, whereas after that she can dialate without softening, so it's important that my cervix have as much help as possible so that I can have a natural labor.
She also gave me a recipe for pregnancy tea, which Steve made for me. I drink a couple glasses a day. Also, I have a list of foods high in protein that are also nutritious. My mom got the ingredients I needed today and the rest of the stuff we already have. So, I can make small meals out of those things. Most of them are lighter than meat, anyway, which is better because sometimes I get heartburn from eating too much meat.
I also have to write up a birth plan including what I want to happen during labor, during birth, and after the birth. Basically, whether I want (unnecessary) induction, pitocin, epidurals, etc. and whether I want to walk, shower, etc., then whether I want the cord cut right away (apparently there are benefits to waiting), then whether I want the baby handed straight to me before she is weighed, cleaned, etc. and given a chance to nurse, whether I want them to offer her any formula or a pacifier, etc. That needs to be done soon. It really should have been done in time for my doctor's appointment on Thursday so the doctor could sign off on it sooner rather than later, since he's out of town today until the 27th. But, it wasn't. I just have to do that as soon as possible.
The plan is that I will have two office visits and one home visit before the baby is born. Then, when I go into labor, she will come to my home and labor with me until we decide it's time to go to the hospital and finish laboring there, probably at about 7 cm or so. Then she will help me through the rest and assist me with breastfeeding when the baby is born. We then have a follow up visit about 3 weeks after Kiley is born. I already have a visit scheduled at the office for Wednesday at 8 PM, then another at home the following Tuesday at 12:30.
I'm pretty excited about this. It makes me feel better about the possibility of a natural labor.
What happened Tuesday was a free consultation where she told me what hiring her involved and gave me some literature on different options during the birthing process and additional prenatal care she would have me do.
What I'm doing now is adding Calcium Magnesium and Evening Primrose Oil to my daily supplements. I don't really remember what the Calcium is for, but the Primrose Oil is said to help with softening a woman's cervix. Apparently a first time labor requires the cervix to soften before a woman can dialate, whereas after that she can dialate without softening, so it's important that my cervix have as much help as possible so that I can have a natural labor.
She also gave me a recipe for pregnancy tea, which Steve made for me. I drink a couple glasses a day. Also, I have a list of foods high in protein that are also nutritious. My mom got the ingredients I needed today and the rest of the stuff we already have. So, I can make small meals out of those things. Most of them are lighter than meat, anyway, which is better because sometimes I get heartburn from eating too much meat.
I also have to write up a birth plan including what I want to happen during labor, during birth, and after the birth. Basically, whether I want (unnecessary) induction, pitocin, epidurals, etc. and whether I want to walk, shower, etc., then whether I want the cord cut right away (apparently there are benefits to waiting), then whether I want the baby handed straight to me before she is weighed, cleaned, etc. and given a chance to nurse, whether I want them to offer her any formula or a pacifier, etc. That needs to be done soon. It really should have been done in time for my doctor's appointment on Thursday so the doctor could sign off on it sooner rather than later, since he's out of town today until the 27th. But, it wasn't. I just have to do that as soon as possible.
The plan is that I will have two office visits and one home visit before the baby is born. Then, when I go into labor, she will come to my home and labor with me until we decide it's time to go to the hospital and finish laboring there, probably at about 7 cm or so. Then she will help me through the rest and assist me with breastfeeding when the baby is born. We then have a follow up visit about 3 weeks after Kiley is born. I already have a visit scheduled at the office for Wednesday at 8 PM, then another at home the following Tuesday at 12:30.
I'm pretty excited about this. It makes me feel better about the possibility of a natural labor.
6.17.2010
36 weeks, 2 days today
I went to the OB again today and have another appointment for Tuesday at 9:45 AM. The regular OB is out of town next week so another Riverside Hospital OB is filling in and it's only one day during one hour. Normally it wouldn't be 5 days apart like that, but that's why it is this time.
Anyway, she's doing perfect. There are still no signs that I'll go into labor anytime soon. That's a good thing, she's still "preterm" right now. The longer she can bake in here, the better. That's not to say I'm not plenty ready to be done being pregnant and to meet her!
I find it hard to tell people how I feel about my baby, but I really can't wait to hold her. I really can't wait to be a mommy. I've wanted to be a mom since I was about 3 years old. When I got pregnant, I had no plans to have any babies anytime soon. Most of my friends had names for babies like "crib midgets." I wasn't much different.
I knew what to do with a baby, but I didn't have any desire to be around them very much at that point in my life. I liked the fact that everyone I was around could take care of themselves, at least enough to feed themselves and wipe themselves! (Although her dad really isn't that great at taking care of himself! I didn't even realize how much I was taking care of him until I wasn't anymore!) No one I was around was under 17. I was fine with that. Spending my weekends playing Spongebob Life with a 10 year old and changing diapers was NOT my idea of a good time. I had NO plans to be a mommy for a WHILE.
The day I found out I was pregnant, that all changed. My whole world changed. I struggled hard to quit smoking, and finally kicked the habit completely 3 weeks and 2 days ago. I started making plans differently. I started to think about her before I thought about what I wanted to do, eat, drink, smoke, not do, whatever. She even trumped horses. (I haven't ridden since December.) I never thought ANYTHING would trump horses.
There have definitely been times when I have missed riding so much I could shoot myself but I have NEVER resented her for a second! I know that graduate school will be VERY HARD for me with a child to worry about, as will getting my bachelor's, but I NEVER resented her for that. I think she's a blessing. I thought I would resent her at some point of my pregnancy, while I was puking my guts up or experiencing round ligament pain...but I really was able to seperate PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS from MY HELPLESS, INNOCENT CHILD. I am really surprised with myself!
I am now having fears that I won't be a good mommy. I don't even know why. I know what makes a good mommy and I'm clearly willing to change things around to accomodate her. I guess it's just normal, not thinking you will be good enough to do a good job at something so huge and beautiful as raising a child.
I just have to remind myself of the sacrifices I've already made for my child without a second thought and trust that I would make them again in a heartbeat and so much more.
I am not SCARED of the labor and delivery at this point. I am scared that something will go wrong with HER and that she won't be okay, but I guess that is normal, too. I just have to pray that she will be protected, do what I can do to have a healthy newborn, and try to relax. This is such a wild ride!
6.14.2010
Character defects: My emergencies are everyone else's
I think it all boils down to selfishness, but I really do come off this way many times. I panic when I plan on things being done a certain way at a certain time and they are not. Then everyone else must jump on it immediately.
Hormones at 8 months pregnant do not help this little habit because it makes all my emotions and sentiments about 1000 times stronger!
That is a character defect to work on, and the solution is to pray to be more available to and aware of others, and to help them. Prayer does no good without any action. I struggle with this, though, too, as I have mentioned in previous blogs. I guess it's something I will REALLY need to work on ASAP.
*Dish bill update:
I called today because the boxes need to be reshipped (since Tobey didn't tell Bo, the Native American he's living with, that they would be coming so Bo didn't know they were at the right address and sent them away.) and found out I only have to pay $280 for a cancellation fee to Dish. STILL quite ridiculous, but better than $315. My grandma is giving me $300 to spend! So, I'll pay the $280 to Dish and then have $20 to spend!
My mom says I should get something for me with the $20, even though my first instinct is to save the money for diaper and wipe money. I said I'd spend it on me, but I don't know whether I will...I may not be able to resist the temptation to put it in Kiley's saving account. Yes, I opened an unborn child a savings account. Probably in attempt to avoid what this blog was originally about.
Well, I think I'm going to hit the sack pretty soon, but there's my update for today.. Tomorrow I meet with the doula my next door neigbor recommended for the first time!
6.13.2010
Inventory-- "Closed- Mouth" Syndrome
Part of this little antisocial thing has been pure tiredness, but I think I need to take a deeper look at it.
I don't talk in meetings hardly at all, in fact the last couple of times I have totally forgot what I was trying to say (pregnant brain!) and spaced out in the middle of my sentence. I couldn't even find anything to say upon receiving my one year chip. I don't REALLY know why this is....except maybe that I talk so much most of the time, maybe I need to learn how NOT to say anything. I think right now that could be the truth.
Another reason I don't talk much is because sometimes it's really hard to bear my soul to a room full of mostly older people. The ones who aren't older, for the most part, want no part of sobriety. For the most part, they are there because of a DUI or a public intoxication charge and plan to go get really shitty after the meeting. I, quite frankly, want nothing to do with them. As for older people, I feel like they won't be interested in what I have to say. And I'm probably wrong, because a lot of them say they wish they'd figured it out this young.
I've also heard a lot of them say that they did come in this young and proceeded to go back out for 5+ years. I'm scared that if I go back out, they will think I was full of shit. And, to be honest with you, I feel like I actually have nothing to say a lot of the time. The truth is, when people ask for ways to handle what they're going through, I really have no clue how to handle it, in fact a lot of times I struggle with it myself.
I'm a little scared I'll go back out. That scares me because, honestly, my plans don't really match up with what my life will become if I go back out. If I DO pick back up where I left off, I won't keep my scholarship for long. I sure as hell won't be able to keep a job. I won't want to do anything but use, drink, and sleep. That's where I was when I came in. I'm so grateful for the ego that alcoholics are famous for, because that's why I came into the rooms of AA. Because my ego was bruised because I could not control my drinking and using and I was supposed to be the strongest woman in the world.
I didn't just use drugs either, I used men. See, if I didn't smoke a blunt or drink a pint, I had sex. Anything to fill the hole, anything to make me feel better, anything to get me high in some form or another. I almost feel like allowing myself to be used like that by other people is MORE shameful than the drug doing.
The first year of sobriety, I may not have done drugs or drank alcohol, but I got another addiction! Tobey! He worked for a little while, too! Once I got pregnant and he went back to doing drugs, he no longer worked because he wouldn't pay attention to me anymore and I tried to FORCE him to work! I tried to literally force him. I tried to make him think it was his JOB to be everything I wanted. I want something different in my second year...I want to be SOBER and let GOD/MY HIGHER POWER be my "addiction"/"refuge"/"hole-filler" whatever you want to call it!!
You know what though, it's hard to get out of myself when my instincts are turning inward, to my baby and to my body. I'm doing what I can, and most days I make it to a meeting, try to call my sponsor, try to get some big book reading in, try to pray at least a little, try to be honest and of service, and I don't use or drink. But you know, some days I'm just too damn tired to get anything out of a meeting!
When I only have one other thing, a meeting is just fine to get to and I get something out of it. When I have 4 or 5 other things going on, I get nothing out of it and I just resent being there. I guess those are the times when I need to try and really be of service. Right now, though, my maternal instincts are telling me that only my baby is important and therefore what my body thinks my baby needs is the ONLY priority. Sometimes that's sleep or rest instead of a meeting.
Oh, I can't get ahold of my sponsor!!!!! UGH frustrating...I feel that a lot lately. I had road rage yesterday and it scared me. It makes me scared to drive anywhere. My hormones are taking me for a ride!!! I have NEVER experienced impatience, frustration, anger, resentment, sadness, ANYTHING like this before!! Crazy hormones!
My point is that I may have 1 year and 2 weeks sober, but I am still a complete mess!!! I just want to try to make this second year of sobriety count and really try to be a little more serene. Here goes, I guess!
I don't talk in meetings hardly at all, in fact the last couple of times I have totally forgot what I was trying to say (pregnant brain!) and spaced out in the middle of my sentence. I couldn't even find anything to say upon receiving my one year chip. I don't REALLY know why this is....except maybe that I talk so much most of the time, maybe I need to learn how NOT to say anything. I think right now that could be the truth.
Another reason I don't talk much is because sometimes it's really hard to bear my soul to a room full of mostly older people. The ones who aren't older, for the most part, want no part of sobriety. For the most part, they are there because of a DUI or a public intoxication charge and plan to go get really shitty after the meeting. I, quite frankly, want nothing to do with them. As for older people, I feel like they won't be interested in what I have to say. And I'm probably wrong, because a lot of them say they wish they'd figured it out this young.
I've also heard a lot of them say that they did come in this young and proceeded to go back out for 5+ years. I'm scared that if I go back out, they will think I was full of shit. And, to be honest with you, I feel like I actually have nothing to say a lot of the time. The truth is, when people ask for ways to handle what they're going through, I really have no clue how to handle it, in fact a lot of times I struggle with it myself.
I'm a little scared I'll go back out. That scares me because, honestly, my plans don't really match up with what my life will become if I go back out. If I DO pick back up where I left off, I won't keep my scholarship for long. I sure as hell won't be able to keep a job. I won't want to do anything but use, drink, and sleep. That's where I was when I came in. I'm so grateful for the ego that alcoholics are famous for, because that's why I came into the rooms of AA. Because my ego was bruised because I could not control my drinking and using and I was supposed to be the strongest woman in the world.
I didn't just use drugs either, I used men. See, if I didn't smoke a blunt or drink a pint, I had sex. Anything to fill the hole, anything to make me feel better, anything to get me high in some form or another. I almost feel like allowing myself to be used like that by other people is MORE shameful than the drug doing.
The first year of sobriety, I may not have done drugs or drank alcohol, but I got another addiction! Tobey! He worked for a little while, too! Once I got pregnant and he went back to doing drugs, he no longer worked because he wouldn't pay attention to me anymore and I tried to FORCE him to work! I tried to literally force him. I tried to make him think it was his JOB to be everything I wanted. I want something different in my second year...I want to be SOBER and let GOD/MY HIGHER POWER be my "addiction"/"refuge"/"hole-filler" whatever you want to call it!!
You know what though, it's hard to get out of myself when my instincts are turning inward, to my baby and to my body. I'm doing what I can, and most days I make it to a meeting, try to call my sponsor, try to get some big book reading in, try to pray at least a little, try to be honest and of service, and I don't use or drink. But you know, some days I'm just too damn tired to get anything out of a meeting!
When I only have one other thing, a meeting is just fine to get to and I get something out of it. When I have 4 or 5 other things going on, I get nothing out of it and I just resent being there. I guess those are the times when I need to try and really be of service. Right now, though, my maternal instincts are telling me that only my baby is important and therefore what my body thinks my baby needs is the ONLY priority. Sometimes that's sleep or rest instead of a meeting.
Oh, I can't get ahold of my sponsor!!!!! UGH frustrating...I feel that a lot lately. I had road rage yesterday and it scared me. It makes me scared to drive anywhere. My hormones are taking me for a ride!!! I have NEVER experienced impatience, frustration, anger, resentment, sadness, ANYTHING like this before!! Crazy hormones!
My point is that I may have 1 year and 2 weeks sober, but I am still a complete mess!!! I just want to try to make this second year of sobriety count and really try to be a little more serene. Here goes, I guess!
6.12.2010
Expectations of the Birth Experience
I know that every birth is different, and that mine will be what it is, but I still think it's helpful to talk about expectations. I want to try a natural childbirth, with little or no drugs and no intervention.
I learned a bunch of pain management technicques in my childbirth class and I want to use them instead of having an epidural. My understanding is that an epidural means you cannot walk around during labor. I think I'll go crazy if I have a long labor and can't walk around! I'm far too ADHD! I am looking into a doula right now.
I have told myself that if I do need interventions, such as pitocin or an epidural or even a C-Section because of a long and hard labor, I will try my best not to be too hard on myself. I just want to be able to take care of her as much as possible as soon as she's born and breastfeed ASAP. I will be disappointed if inteventions prevent her from being able to stay with me and not in the nursery.
I am also scared to do it without her dad being there. I just assumed he would be there, but he probably won't. I don't want to do it without him. It just doesn't seem right to me.
I just want a positive first few hours with my little girl, more than anything else. I don't want to sleep through it!
I learned a bunch of pain management technicques in my childbirth class and I want to use them instead of having an epidural. My understanding is that an epidural means you cannot walk around during labor. I think I'll go crazy if I have a long labor and can't walk around! I'm far too ADHD! I am looking into a doula right now.
I have told myself that if I do need interventions, such as pitocin or an epidural or even a C-Section because of a long and hard labor, I will try my best not to be too hard on myself. I just want to be able to take care of her as much as possible as soon as she's born and breastfeed ASAP. I will be disappointed if inteventions prevent her from being able to stay with me and not in the nursery.
I am also scared to do it without her dad being there. I just assumed he would be there, but he probably won't. I don't want to do it without him. It just doesn't seem right to me.
I just want a positive first few hours with my little girl, more than anything else. I don't want to sleep through it!
35 Weeks, 4 days
I am seeing the OB every week now. This last visit on Thursday my measurements went up by 2 CM, from 32 CM to 34 CM. That was in a week! That makes me so happy because from week 28 to the end of week 31, I only went up by 1.5 CM, from 27 to 28.5. It's supposed to correspond to the week, but the last few times my measurements have been slightly below. Not so far below to cause concern, but slightly below the number of weeks. I'm not too worried at this point because I was a fairly small baby.
My baby is about 5 1/4 to 5 1/2 lbs at this point. I just want her to get to 6 lbs before she comes. I'll be happy with that, I'm just getting SO UNCOMFORTABLE!!! The doctor said she's still negative station, which means the baby hasn't moved down into my pelvic bone yet, my mucus plug is still in place, and the cervix is still closed tight, no softening yet. That means the baby's not ready to come out, even if I am ready for her! I guess no one asked my opinion on the matter!!
I am having to come to terms with the fact that everything is not necessarily going to be worked out before the baby's born. My nesting instinct seems to have manifested itself in an organizational, almost obsessive form where ALL the details of our move back to Frankfort MUST be worked out NOW! Everything is already clean and sanitized. Part of that may be boredom, because with a month left, there's almost nothing to do but nap. I can only do that so much when I have to make sure there's this and this to do before the baby comes. I just wish I knew WHERE I was going to live and whether Tobey was going to follow through with being my daycare or if I'll have to spend time away from my baby to find a good one!
I've found myself going to women's meetings a lot. I think that's a step in the right direction for me, because, like most female alcholics, women are the enemy. I do not like them. It is not in my nature to not compete with other women and I really don't get along with most of them. Men are just easier for me to get along with.
It's good for me, then, to be around women. It helps me to maybe learn to get along with them a little better and not be so intimidated. I'm feeling no less anti social, though.
I even told Tobey not to talk to me anymore until he wanted or is able to pay the Dish bill he's responsible for. I am so tired of hearing "I will" do this and that from him and never seeing any results. I devoted so much energy to helping him and it has not been returned, has been very selfish on his side and I am just so over hearing it. I want to see it if he's changing. Apparently he's made ammends or restitution to other people. That's awesome, but they're not having his kid. I didn't make the kid or run the Dish bill all by myself. If he really is meaning to get well, he will. And when he is doing what he should do, I will see that bill at least partially paid.
BACKGROUND ON THE DISH BILL:
When we were using cable, I paid the $45 bill myself every month. It's HIM who was so obsessed with TV. With this company, when you cancel early, it's $17.50 a FREAKING MONTH cancellation fee!! Since we had 18 months left on the contract, that ends being a total of $315 cancellation fee!!!? Ridiculous! I can understand, say, a $50 cancellation fee for cancelling in the first year and, say, a $25 cancellation fee for cancelling in the second year. But $315!?!?! Oh, and the bill's in my name.
It's not that I even expect him to pay the whole $315 (although he should). Just, like $100 would be helpful! He is working with a sponsor and with the Native American healer. I think that's good, Native Americans are the most Spiritual people there are. I think he's learning, I'm just frustrated.
I think what has me so frustrated is the possibility that he may not be there when Kiley's born, unless she waits until after the 18th of July. Apparently that week there's a Native American "healing ritual/meeting of the elders" type deal that the Creator (God/The Almighty/Higher Power) has told him he needs to go to before he can see me again and before he can see Kiley, that something life changing will happen to him to make him a better man and father.
I don't know whether it's crazy enough to be true, or whether it's an out so he can do what he wants. It just doesn't make sense that what he wants is to not be there when his baby girl is born. He was devastated when I walked away because he wanted to be there. He talked about nothing but being there for months. He wanted a baby more than I did at the time. Like I said, Native Americans are the most spiritual people there are. I want to think it's true. If it is, I don't want to put it down. I just don't like the idea of doing childbirth without the man who helped me make the child.
My Chihuauas are making me crazier and crazier the more pregnant I get. They are out of control and I hardly have the energy to discipline them. I have tried to make their days more structured the last couple of days by watching them all the time, going outside with them, crating them for a little while every few hours, and kind of dictating more of their activities. It seems to be working well, and it's actually not as tiring as letting them do what they want.
The other night with them was chaos. They slipped out through a whole in the gate (which has since been blocked by bricks) and there were a few families there with dogs and kids and they were running from person to person and dog to dog and all over the street just barking their heads off, and they almost got hit by cars about three times. Then one of the moms left the kids stroller on a slanted driveway to try to help me get them and the stroller tipped over while her toddler was in it (which wasn't the dogs fault, it was just part of the chaos), so it was all just a disaster and I just started crying and got really upset! Especially with Tobey! So, the more structured day for the dogs is helping, because that was just overwhelming and a breaking point for me.
I have been thinking about what I want to do with my life until I can get to Law School. I do have to find out about the LSAT in regards to Law school. If I get the credits needed to graduate, with my accounting degree in 2012, I will have gotten 146.66 credits lifetime. I have to have 150 to take the CPA exam.
What I want to do is something for an equine organization or publication with some flexibility, and maybe ride some for people on the side. I will take two extra 3 credit hour accounting electives to receive 152.66 credits total and then take the CPA exam as something to fall back on.
Even if I'm NOT a licensed CPA, people with accounting degrees are in high demand, even with the economy. So, even if I have some sort of consulting or editing job, I can still make money for sure accounting for one or two companies. I don't particularly WANT to be a full time accountant, to be honest, but I will if it means a good income and good benefits. It doesn't really sound like a good time, but I'm good at accounting anyway, so it would be a challenge but it would be doable.
My goal is to find a job with benefits and have a little flexibility since I'm going to be a mommy and I'd like to be one again in two or 3 years.
What I thought I'd do this winter if my internship (and my possible gig at the World Games) hasn't turned up any prospects is to stop by Southern States, the Equine Feed store in Frankfort and try to get on there doing one thing or another. That could also turn into something.
I just can't wait to get my Law degree...I think UK's Law program sounds perfect for me. Check it out: http://www.law.uky.edu/ There are Law firms that practice Equine Law that have offices in Frankfort, Lexington, and Louisville, too!!
I really do have so many things I could do...I just want to make sure I expand my riding abilities too! That's the most important thing in my life, next to my baby and my sobriety. It really is great to be young and have the world at my feet!
6.05.2010
I'm really going to have to get better at this!!
Here is 34 weeks along. Today I'm 34 weeks and 4 days. I am getting VERY uncomfortable and wake up a lot during the night because I just can't get to where I'm confortable. I sleep on my side, but I have to switch sides all the time because my hip hurts when I lay on it for too long.
I saw the doctor on Thursday. I was excited that it was my first doctors' visit where I was officially nicotine free. It's actually fairly easy to quit smoking when you are in a nonstressful environment! The doctors office up here seems to have pretty nice people working there.
I did get approved for Ohio Medicaid. They say I need to choose a plan here in the next few days. I'll have to figure that out Monday. The OBGYN I chose does not take Medicaid, but they plan on trying to get some of it covered through medicaid. I like this doctor, I don't want to switch doctors. I just have to see which the pediatrician I chose is on so his services will be covered.
I have another appointment on Thursday. He (Dr. Stockwell) wants to start doing weekly visits now. Fine with me! It's not as though I have a lot of other things to do! And I get nervous sometimes between doctors visits. A week is less time to get nervous in than 2 weeks or 4 weeks, which is the way it's been.
I did make a flyer to hang up at church today offering baby and pet sitting until I have the baby as something to do and a way to make a litte money. I hope I get a few calls. I have meetings, grooming Kandi everyday, and napping. I do try to relax when possible and just enjoy what little relaxing time I have left, but it's hard for me to do. I like having things to do! Plus a little extra money wouldn't hurt!
I looked at an apartment in Frankfort. I am hoping that I will be able to live in that complex, as it's VERY nice, in a nice neighborhood, and a decent price at $450/month including water, sewer, and trash. It's a very very nice apartment too. However, they only take deposits 30 days in advance at the most. I am really hoping to go there. The location of the particular apartment within the complex that is open now is even perfect! It would just be so nice to live where I want! It's in downtown Frankfort, walking distance from everywhere. I really hate the waiting game! Of all kinds! I guess what is supposed to happen will happen. God does know what he's doing!
I still feel anti-social and have been informed that it's natural for someone as pregnant as me to feel that way. So that is what I'm going to blame it on! :)
You know, this writing really does help. It helps me to organize my thoughts enough to think straight, which I often can no longer do. I feel like I may be a year sober, but I'm still a mess. I can hardly form a complete, somewhat meaningful sentence out loud without the possibility of crying. And I'm still fighting the whole turning it over to God thing. I just cannot focus on much of anything, though, except getting ready for this baby and putting a roof over her head and diapers on her butt! Writing at least does not require you to get it right the first time, the way speaking does.
I sort of find myself wishing a lot that I had a normal family. Like, a fiance that, you know, went to work and made a living and did what he had to do to provide for my child. Someone without any children from any former relationships just as fucked up as ours got...someone that fulfilled his responsibilities and did not inform me that he was making sacrifices simply by working. But, I don't. Kiley's dad is not those things. It's a little frustrating....I never wanted to do this myself. I wanted to graduate and get a big girl job and get married and buy a house (or at least be on my way to buying a house) AND THEN have a baby. I feel like it's all happening backwards. Poor child will not have a stable home with a daily routine for a while. I really do not LIKE simplicity when I look at it honestly.
I never could do things the "correct" way in the "proper" order. I started by falling for someone BEFORE I got to know him. Bad idea...love is really really blind. And it does not solve all things. And then I thought that you know, he hadn't done right by his other two kids but he would do right by mine just cuz it was MINE and mine would be SUPER special! I also thought I could depend on someone to support me who couldn't even support himself. That's my fault. I was crazy. See? Love is VERY blind. I will blame it on being young and dumb. I wonder if I will grow out of it or not? I don't know but I know even though I left, I still cannot walk away completely.
And now he's trying another way to get well and get things back on track. I hope it works. I am trying not to make plans based on hoping it works. I've done far too much of that. See? More of the "love is blind" theory. And oh, it is! I love hearing other girls talk about how they're too smart to fall for someone who has nothing of note to offer them. Cuz I was too!! I'm on the dean's list! Come on!! Uhh yeahh, girls are silly when it comes to boys. Retarded almost.
OH and I can get on an IUD form of birth control while I'm breast feeding! So, I talked to the OB about getting on Mirena when I have the baby. He thinks it's a good idea. With Mirena, you can keep it in for up to five years but you can take it out anytime you want to start trying for another. That's better than having to remember a pill everyday or a shot every few months! So, I think that's what I am going to do.
5.28.2010
Wheww two dAYS in a row!!
We'll see if my computer decides to stay on. It will probably be a short post. I also don't know about the level of articulate.
I went to a barroom meeting this morning. I really enjoyed it. It was a speaker meeting. The speaker was a former crackhead and bag lady and is no a family counselor! That's quite a switch... and it shows that people CAN and DO change IF THEY WANT TO!!!
I hope Tobey wants to. I am trying not to let him consume me anymore, to do my own thing, work my OWN program. I'm doing better with that. Not great, but better. I miss him. He is finding his way. I hope he continues to. I'm also trying not to get my hopes up.
Well I'm tired. I'll try the articulate post thing tomorrow, and try to expand on what I have said.
I went to a barroom meeting this morning. I really enjoyed it. It was a speaker meeting. The speaker was a former crackhead and bag lady and is no a family counselor! That's quite a switch... and it shows that people CAN and DO change IF THEY WANT TO!!!
I hope Tobey wants to. I am trying not to let him consume me anymore, to do my own thing, work my OWN program. I'm doing better with that. Not great, but better. I miss him. He is finding his way. I hope he continues to. I'm also trying not to get my hopes up.
Well I'm tired. I'll try the articulate post thing tomorrow, and try to expand on what I have said.
5.27.2010
And boredom set in...
The room is ready. I have to write thank you notes but those will take about an hour. Maybe. If that. I literally have nothing to do except go groom Kandi and go to meetings.
I have never been this bored in my life. I am still feeling antisocial. I almost can't wait for August and moving back to Frankfort! Well, not almost, I can't. I can't wait for July to get here, for the baby to come. There is literally nothing left to do. I'm good to go with 7 weeks to spare. I hope she chooses to hang on until then, anyways. I posted a blog on my other blog, my horse blog. I don't care about TV. I guess all that there is to do it get some reading done. Wow I'm boring....
If I were smart, I would take this time to relax and breathe. In fact, that's what I'm going to try to do. But I can honestly say that I do not have a clue how to do that. I have never done that in my life. It is HARD to do!!!!!!
I just don't know what to do with myself.
I guess I could write about my plans for me and my baby.
I know there is only so much planning that can be done, that life will happen and I will have to adjust my plans accordingly. That I should just stay in today (at least that's what people in the rooms of AA tell me). I believe that. I try to be flexible these days. Picking everything up and moving here shows flexibility, does it not?
But to be honest with you, if I did not go into things in life without some sort of a plan, I would go NUTS! It comforts me to have a basic plan, a basic outline for what is going to happen. It makes me feel secure. So I am going to go into this motherhood and moving to Frankfort thing with a plan in mind!
I plan to stay here until mid- August, at which point there's an apartment building on Capital Ave. I hope to move into.
I hope to work for my Equine Business degree from late August to early May and graduate with that degree in Mid May with a 3.7 cumulative GPA. I hope to get that internship at CHA and be able to do most of it from home.
I plan to move Kandi down to the barn in Shelbyville September 1st. I hope to be able to have time to ride her. I also want to ride on the team, but it's likely that I won't be able to take a riding class. I would like to ride with Bennie Sargeant a bit learning from him, and that may be the extent of my practice. That would be a conflict of interest except that him and coach are buddies. While I am riding, showing, and attending class, my hope is that Kiley's father is in a right state of mind to watch her.
I do not plan on working unless I can find a job which will prepare me for work in my chosen field. Otherwise, I will just make enough to pay for daycare and be away from my daughter more than what's necessary....what's the point when preparing for Kiley's and my future? I do hope the internship turns into a job opportunity or that I am able to find a decent job while interning. That would be ideal. I'm not going to hunt for jobs that are a waste of time, though. I may consider a few hours a week working with the tbred babies I raised last year or if I could possibly get a job riding for Bennie that was decent pay, that would be good too! Other than that, why be away from my kid if it's not to put something on my resume that is worth mentioning, or something that will turn into a full time job upon graduation.
I plan on finding a fulltime job with benefits asap next year before or upon graduation. That may not happen, but I will do my darndest. I plan on finishing up my accounting degree in Fall '11 so that in May '12 I can receive my accounting degree. I have been told that businesses are snatching up people with accounting degrees. Good to know! If I cannot find a well paying job in the equine industry, at least there's that.
I want to save until I can buy (or at least lease--probably a better option for the short term) a little farm and board some horses. I want a more competitive show horse, whether it be an AQHA all arounder or an NRHA horse. We'll see where the path leads me.
I'm hoping I can make enough money boarding that I can quit working while I go to law school. I also want to show more competitively...I have a lot of big dreams when it comes to horses. I am thinking now that I'd like to go to UK for Equine and Family Law. I just want to make enough so that eventually, I can afford nice horses and buy a little farm and not owe anyone a thing. I don't need a lot of extravagant things, I really don't. I just want to be happy. Law is something I think I would be good at, and I do think it would make me happy. I don't think being a CPA would make me happy.
I want to be a lawyer and show horses. Maybe one day I can cut back on law and train and show horses for people too. I'm not sure whether or not I really want to do it, but it could make me happy if I play it right and if I keep it simple....I would also like to run a horse transportation company one of these days, or open up a show arena. I want to help people enjoy their horses...
I guess that's more long term stuff. I also want to have a baby boy in 2-3 years. I have to be married and own a home, though. Those are my qualifications for having another baby. Find a house in foreclosure! There's plenty of those. I just don't want my babies to be too far apart and I want to be young and spry and not exhausted from practicing law when I have more kids. So NOT going to law school until I'm done having babies. That's another requirement.
FOR THE SHORT TERM. I plan on breastfeeding. For sure, without a doubt. No one will change my mind. I want to breastfeed until Kiley's at least 18 months, if not until 2, which the World Health Organization recommends. If I have another one when she's 2 I won't be able to breastfeed that long, but it's right for my baby to breastfeed as long as possible. I also plan on taking her off the bottle at one when she can drink cow's milk and giving her the sippy cup. Juice in the sippy before that. I'm not going to supplement with formula. Ever. Why the hell would I pay anyone money for something I can get for free?
I wonder if you can be on birth control while breastfeeding? Hmm...I hadn't thought much about it.
Those are my thoughts for now. I'll actually try to write again tomorrow. Maybe I'll be more articulate then.
5.22.2010
I guess God knows what he is doing...
Just when it seems my life is finally falling into place is just when it decides to start to fall apart.
Tobey is struggling. Big time. I no longer want to bear the grunt of his struggling. It took me a long time to come to that conclusion because I love him so much and I want to give my daughter a real family. I know he has a good heart, but I also know he has an ugly, irresponsible, defiant streak and I don't think he's ready to be a full time dad and a full time support system. I don't know what I was thinking believing that I could rely on him to support me when he has never even supported himself- so I take the blame for that.
So I left and came home to Columbus...which means I had to back out of my internship and I have to REAPPLY when I go back in the fall. UGH!!! However, there's another opportunity for an internship at the Certified Horsemanship Association, most of which can be done from home. That may be my best bet, since I'm going to need to save money and gas in any way possible. It's pretty much doing the same thing, too. So while the workaholic, crazy part of me thinks, HEY! I should do both!, the side of me that is rational and rearing it's ugly head more and more says, "NO don't wear yourself out! Do not screw yourself by taking on too much!" This one could also turn into a job opportunity. It will look phenomenal on my resume, too!
I'm still worried about what to do for money...I still have to find a place to live...since now I won't be living with Tobey. Tobey is trying to get help, now. Maybe this time he really wants it, maybe not. I just know I can't rely on him for financial support. At all. Well, maybe a pack of diapers here and there, but not anything other than that. I want to know where money is coming from and where it is going. I didn't with Tobey. I think it'll be far less stressful this way. I still talk to him all the time. I still have no plans to be with anyone else. But I'm not going to live with him until and unless he really gets his shit together and has been supporting himself and helping me with Kiley for a good long while.
Tobey is struggling. Big time. I no longer want to bear the grunt of his struggling. It took me a long time to come to that conclusion because I love him so much and I want to give my daughter a real family. I know he has a good heart, but I also know he has an ugly, irresponsible, defiant streak and I don't think he's ready to be a full time dad and a full time support system. I don't know what I was thinking believing that I could rely on him to support me when he has never even supported himself- so I take the blame for that.
So I left and came home to Columbus...which means I had to back out of my internship and I have to REAPPLY when I go back in the fall. UGH!!! However, there's another opportunity for an internship at the Certified Horsemanship Association, most of which can be done from home. That may be my best bet, since I'm going to need to save money and gas in any way possible. It's pretty much doing the same thing, too. So while the workaholic, crazy part of me thinks, HEY! I should do both!, the side of me that is rational and rearing it's ugly head more and more says, "NO don't wear yourself out! Do not screw yourself by taking on too much!" This one could also turn into a job opportunity. It will look phenomenal on my resume, too!
I'm still worried about what to do for money...I still have to find a place to live...since now I won't be living with Tobey. Tobey is trying to get help, now. Maybe this time he really wants it, maybe not. I just know I can't rely on him for financial support. At all. Well, maybe a pack of diapers here and there, but not anything other than that. I want to know where money is coming from and where it is going. I didn't with Tobey. I think it'll be far less stressful this way. I still talk to him all the time. I still have no plans to be with anyone else. But I'm not going to live with him until and unless he really gets his shit together and has been supporting himself and helping me with Kiley for a good long while.
5.14.2010
Not so good at keeping up...
I guess I was supposed to update this twice a week. You see how well that's worked out.
School is out. 4 A's and 2 B's later, maybe I can get the motivation to do this thing? I have no job. I am bored as can be. I see no reason why not.
I did land an internship (at the Kentucky Horse Council with the Equine Education and Welfare Department) 5 days a week to go from May 20 to June 30. Hopefully Baby Kiley holds on until then. *Fingers Crossed* In addition to office work, here is a list of projects I will be working on:
- Developing educational topics for the eNews, including researching, getting reprint permission, writing articles, etc.
- Creating fact sheets for events and the website
- Updating and adding pages to the website, as well as adding articles and events to the online database.
- Possibly attending meetings for the World Games and other events with the Dir of Education and Welfare and the Exec. Dir.
Of course, there's the fear of not being able to do all that, not only because I'm a recovering alcoholic and my life has always been completely motivated by fear, but also because by the end of the internship, I will be 38 weeks pregnant and I'm already forgetful and tired, not to mention UNCOMFORTABLE and tired! I'm also scared she will not hold on until then.
Oh, the internship is unpaid. And in Lexington. Gas money is a concern, since Tobey just lost his job. Money is not plentiful in my home AT ALL.
I can only hope this internship turns into some sort of job opportunity or a connection for a job opportunity. That would be the ideal situation. I have been buying out the baby department at stores to make sure the baby has all she needs when she comes. I even opened a savings account for her so that if I'm running low on cash, she won't just have to do without. I guess they call that a nesting instinct. I am pretty sure I won't have to go shopping for 6 months once she gets here.
I am worried about finding a daycare that will take her part time, or shit I'll even do full time if the state will pay for it; maybe I can get a job that way to take some of the financial stress off!!
I really don't want to settle for just any old job at this point....I want one with a future for me. That only makes sense since I'll be looking for one after graduation anyway. What's the point in finding a job i'll just be at for a few months when I need a big girl job soon enough anyway? I don't want something that will take me away from my daughter for no good reason.
I am also worried about Kandi. Not her, but paying for her. I can't sell her because of her temperament. Most people can't deal with it. My dad's been awesome, helping me with her a LOT financially the last year. I don't want to have to keep asking him to do that! Luckily, I found a place down here near Frankfort in Shelbyville about 20 miles away for her that's only $295/month for full care and a big old pasture to herself.
Add to that about $25/month for some M30,
about $150 every seven weeks for the farrier (yea, they're expensive here!),
$45/month for supplements,
$300 twice a year for the vet,
possibly another $100 every now and then for the chiropractor..... that ends up adding up to about $420/month. This doesn't include hoof treatment and linament....which isn't too expensive but still adds up! That's not too much if I didn't have this baby to think about, but when thinking about the baby, it seems like a million dollars!
I just hope that job comes sooner rather than later!!! PLEASE LET IT COME!!! Don't get me wrong, I know I have to do the dirty work, but I'll do that no problem....so long as the job openings come.
I'm also considering looking into earning my MBA after I receive my equine business degree....while I'm trying to earn my accounting degree. It would be doable. I just have to find out if they will let me. I'm guessing if I give them money they will let me.
Maybe it's better just to wait another year until I'm not technically my mother's dependent. UGHHHH so much to think about....perhaps I had better just try to work a year and establish my own income level so that I will get lots and lots of assistance!
I maybe should not try to jump the gun so much here! I'm notoriously bad for that....Who knows anyway? I may get lucky and get offered a $50,000/year job with just my bachelor's degree (which I will TOTALLY take by the way. Silly people thinking that's not enough right out of college.... I would like to smack them!!!!!!!!) I really don't like the idea of getting the MBA and the JD all at the same time like how I was thinking of doing. BAD PLAN!!!!!!!! Especially, I'm realizing, if I want to be useful as a mother and as a friend and as a regular human being. I want to be a good mommy, not an overworked mommy who always says I'll play later. That's how it has to be sometimes, but I'd like to make that less rather than more.
I do hope I can learn to relax...
4.21.2010
Yeah, really not so good at it!
I just finished my job at H & R Block and am looking minimally for employment, but I'm not in too big of a hurry to find anything, since nobody hires a 7 month pregnant college student with pregnant brain!
I sent in a resume for Governor Beshear of Kentucky's gubernatorial campaign, a position organizing fundraisers. I got a call about an interview April 28th. I told them I was pregnant and would be having a baby in July and would that be a problem? **Update 5/14 they got back to me and said that it would be about 50+ hours a week. Yeah, not happening. They did say they would keep my resume on file. This would be a great job after graduation, depending on how it pays!
I'm also updating an application at Farmer's Bank for a part time teller's position and am considering applying for 5/3 Bank for the same position.
I'm hoping one of them will pan out, but if not I'm not in a huge rush to force a job. I need to learn to relax and worry about school before all else.
In other news (haha!), I only have two more weeks of school after this one and I COULD NOT BE MORE THRILLED!
I am so tired, which leads me to what else is going on....I'm tired of depending on people when I used to be so independent....my body just doesn't do what it used to and I don't have energy for basic things. Who knew growing life could be so exhausting?
I am being anti-social too....I'm just too tired to make an effort to have a conversation with anyone!! Part of it is probably clinical depression, but I think part of it is also just plain exhaustion!!!!!!!!
On another note, it amazes me what you can feel for your child....even before it's even born. I did not know I was capable of such strong emotion for anyone! It's beautiful, it really is!
I sent in a resume for Governor Beshear of Kentucky's gubernatorial campaign, a position organizing fundraisers. I got a call about an interview April 28th. I told them I was pregnant and would be having a baby in July and would that be a problem? **Update 5/14 they got back to me and said that it would be about 50+ hours a week. Yeah, not happening. They did say they would keep my resume on file. This would be a great job after graduation, depending on how it pays!
I'm also updating an application at Farmer's Bank for a part time teller's position and am considering applying for 5/3 Bank for the same position.
I'm hoping one of them will pan out, but if not I'm not in a huge rush to force a job. I need to learn to relax and worry about school before all else.
In other news (haha!), I only have two more weeks of school after this one and I COULD NOT BE MORE THRILLED!
I am so tired, which leads me to what else is going on....I'm tired of depending on people when I used to be so independent....my body just doesn't do what it used to and I don't have energy for basic things. Who knew growing life could be so exhausting?
I am being anti-social too....I'm just too tired to make an effort to have a conversation with anyone!! Part of it is probably clinical depression, but I think part of it is also just plain exhaustion!!!!!!!!
On another note, it amazes me what you can feel for your child....even before it's even born. I did not know I was capable of such strong emotion for anyone! It's beautiful, it really is!
3.24.2010
So apparently I'm not too good at actually sitting down and doing it....
I finally am sitting down to do a little bit of writing because, you, know, it makes sense when you have to leave for work in twenty minutes but not when you have all evening! That would make too much sense...
The therapist said I should probably do this three days a week so I'm going to try to but we'll see if I can actually keep up with that. I tried to say I'll do it 5 times. I won't because I don't tend to try to dispell stress.....I like to sit in it. Typical alcoholic. Self pity is far more fun.
Pregnant brain sucks. I really really don't like it. I feel like an idiot. I will be in the middle of a sentence and FORGET WHAT I AM SAYING! It's ridiculous. It's no wonder at all women used to be laid up for nine months when they had a baby. Pregnancy makes a woman's brain useless!!! It's all over the place!!! No fun.
I have to be honest. I don't like being pregnant that much at all either. It not only means my brain's gone, but that my body that I worked so hard for is now doing whatever it wishes. I now weigh over 150. I have never. It means that the control freak in me that lives in so many alcoholics is NOT in control, let alone of my emotions. It means that I cannot RIDE which is the BEST stress release I have EVER found. Simply walking into a barn can make the whole world make sense and it DOESN'T without it. Some women love being pregnant. I can't wait to get this thing out of me. I don't think that makes me less of a woman, it's just who I am. I am a woman who uses my body to talk to horses. Not possible at this point. I love feeling my baby move. I can't wait to be a mom. The pregnancy part just isn't my cup of tea. I have a high pain tolerance, but I've been in pain more times than I care to remember while pregnant. I will do this one more time, two more if I don't get a boy next time. Then I'm tying the tubes. I can't do it. Two is already a year and a half of my life being uncomfortable and missing riding like none other.
Michelle Duggar is crazy!!!!! I don't get how she does it.....her hormones must be permanently fucked up...I can't see how she stays so calm!!!!!!!!!!!
The therapist said I should probably do this three days a week so I'm going to try to but we'll see if I can actually keep up with that. I tried to say I'll do it 5 times. I won't because I don't tend to try to dispell stress.....I like to sit in it. Typical alcoholic. Self pity is far more fun.
Pregnant brain sucks. I really really don't like it. I feel like an idiot. I will be in the middle of a sentence and FORGET WHAT I AM SAYING! It's ridiculous. It's no wonder at all women used to be laid up for nine months when they had a baby. Pregnancy makes a woman's brain useless!!! It's all over the place!!! No fun.
I have to be honest. I don't like being pregnant that much at all either. It not only means my brain's gone, but that my body that I worked so hard for is now doing whatever it wishes. I now weigh over 150. I have never. It means that the control freak in me that lives in so many alcoholics is NOT in control, let alone of my emotions. It means that I cannot RIDE which is the BEST stress release I have EVER found. Simply walking into a barn can make the whole world make sense and it DOESN'T without it. Some women love being pregnant. I can't wait to get this thing out of me. I don't think that makes me less of a woman, it's just who I am. I am a woman who uses my body to talk to horses. Not possible at this point. I love feeling my baby move. I can't wait to be a mom. The pregnancy part just isn't my cup of tea. I have a high pain tolerance, but I've been in pain more times than I care to remember while pregnant. I will do this one more time, two more if I don't get a boy next time. Then I'm tying the tubes. I can't do it. Two is already a year and a half of my life being uncomfortable and missing riding like none other.
Michelle Duggar is crazy!!!!! I don't get how she does it.....her hormones must be permanently fucked up...I can't see how she stays so calm!!!!!!!!!!!
3.13.2010
Why Do I never write anymore?
While I am fully aware that the world probably doesn't care about the answer to this question, I do. A lot. And this blog is for my benefit, not yours.
When I was younger, say, before high school, I used to write all the time. I started about 47 novels that I never finished. I wrote poetry. I got through high school writing papers at the last minute and getting A's. My father's a journalist. It's in my blood. It used to be a stress release for me. It still is, but somewhere along the way I stopped writing.
I think I really stopped writing once high school started. A cliche as it sounds, I stopped writing when I lost myself. Normally high school is when you find yourself. That did not happen for me.. high school was torture. It was confusing. I did not fit in anywhere. It never fit. I slipped away into a person I would hate if I met on the street today. I did not really start finding myself until last summer, my 20th summer. I really haven't had anything to say since about 8th grade. Today I do have something to say. I have plans and dreams and it finally looks as though they are attainable. Not just because I'm working my way towards finishing a bachelor's degree.
You know how I was saying I didn't fit in anywhere in high school? You know where I fit just fine and dandy? In the bottle. Or in a joint. I tried to quit about 20 times. I thought alcoholics were just whiners and that addicts were just weak people. It took me finally realizing that I could NOT stop drinking and could NOT stop using, despite all my personal strength, to realize this wasn't true and that I was, in fact, an alcoholic and an addict.
A 12 step program and a spiritual way of life, as well as rigorous honesty are what saved me and allowed me to finally connect with who I am again. Today I have about 9 1/2 months sober. I am o grateful for it and I finally feel like writing again! That makes me feel like me again.
Being pregnant, I cannot ride horses, which is my number one stress release. I have to have a new stress release, so I am going to start writing again. I'm going to make a point of it. Horses are my first love, but I think that a happy person is a well rounded person. I want to try to be one again.
When I was younger, say, before high school, I used to write all the time. I started about 47 novels that I never finished. I wrote poetry. I got through high school writing papers at the last minute and getting A's. My father's a journalist. It's in my blood. It used to be a stress release for me. It still is, but somewhere along the way I stopped writing.
I think I really stopped writing once high school started. A cliche as it sounds, I stopped writing when I lost myself. Normally high school is when you find yourself. That did not happen for me.. high school was torture. It was confusing. I did not fit in anywhere. It never fit. I slipped away into a person I would hate if I met on the street today. I did not really start finding myself until last summer, my 20th summer. I really haven't had anything to say since about 8th grade. Today I do have something to say. I have plans and dreams and it finally looks as though they are attainable. Not just because I'm working my way towards finishing a bachelor's degree.
You know how I was saying I didn't fit in anywhere in high school? You know where I fit just fine and dandy? In the bottle. Or in a joint. I tried to quit about 20 times. I thought alcoholics were just whiners and that addicts were just weak people. It took me finally realizing that I could NOT stop drinking and could NOT stop using, despite all my personal strength, to realize this wasn't true and that I was, in fact, an alcoholic and an addict.
A 12 step program and a spiritual way of life, as well as rigorous honesty are what saved me and allowed me to finally connect with who I am again. Today I have about 9 1/2 months sober. I am o grateful for it and I finally feel like writing again! That makes me feel like me again.
Being pregnant, I cannot ride horses, which is my number one stress release. I have to have a new stress release, so I am going to start writing again. I'm going to make a point of it. Horses are my first love, but I think that a happy person is a well rounded person. I want to try to be one again.
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