I have been sooo sensitive here for the last...few days. I just feel like everyone's critisizing me. All these people whose lives are in place seem to be telling me how fucked up mine is. It's probably just me and a level of jealousy that I have a broken home already and have to start this thing out alone.
I guess I have been complaining a lot but I think I have earned complaining rights. I never complain. I have always kept on trucking. I like to stay busy. I can't do that right now.
Instead of support from my partner, I get to do it all by myself. Everyone else has/had someone to rub their back and their feet and tell them everything will be okay. They actually think everything will be okay, even if it won't be. Me, I don't know. They get to take turns waking up with the baby. I get to do it all myself and go to school. Not that my mom hasn't helped a LOT...it's just not the same as it being the person I made my baby with. That's hard to come to grips with.
I'm sure that's why people are offering all this unsolicited advice...I'm complaining about how I wish the baby would get here and it's hot and I'm uncomfortable and bored. They are trying to offer solutions. But I think I have to be here. I get to be vulnerable and emotional and a WRECK for the first time in my life. I have TIME to be a complete wreck. And out of it I expect to heal, which I have never been able to do in my life. I get to feel this time. It's definitely scary and emotional, but it will pass.
I have continued to have symptoms that I'll be in labor soon...but still nothing. This is the waiting game. I'm glad she's baking still though, because when I left Tobey I thought the stress I was under would make her come early and not be healthy enough. I was so scared for her and I didn't feel like I was being a good mom by allowing us to be in that situation for so long. I think I did the best thing and now I'm more confident that she'll be healthy and happy. As long as she wants to stay in there she can. Now I know she'll definitely be born in July. I'll have to change the name of this blog soon to "Writings of a New Mom"!!
The title of this blog comes from a new song from Eminem, Love the Way You Lie. It's a pretty emotion-ridden song and it reminds me of Tobey and I. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suf0t5gnvT0 is the link.) I think he's the tornado and I'm the volcano. This whole thing came out of two people whose lives were a wreck who expected to make it all work without knowing each other and ourselves.
I cannot wait to be a mommy...I have wanted this since I was three. I keep being told I'll miss her being in when she's out, and maybe that's true. But I don't think so. I LIKE the thought of waking up with her (even if I do have to do it alone) and taking care of her and helping her grow. I can't wait to breastfeed or to watch her discover new things. Plus I don't really think pregnancy agrees with me, at least this one hasn't. I am much better when I can be super active and ride horses. I can't wait to see the little person she becomes....I just don't see missing being pregnant. I can't wait to do this. Maybe my next pregnancy will be better because I'll ride and actually have a supportive partner whose there the whole time. Maybe I won't be sick the whole first trimester and part of the second.
