Wheww two dAYS in a row!!

We'll see if my computer decides to stay on. It will probably be a short post. I also don't know about the level of articulate.

I went to a barroom meeting this morning. I really enjoyed it. It was a speaker meeting. The speaker was a former crackhead and bag lady and is no a family counselor! That's quite a switch... and it shows that people CAN and DO change IF THEY WANT TO!!!

I hope Tobey wants to. I am trying not to let him consume me anymore, to do my own thing, work my OWN program. I'm doing better with that. Not great, but better. I miss him. He is finding his way. I hope he continues to. I'm also trying not to get my hopes up.

Well I'm tired. I'll try the articulate post thing tomorrow, and try to expand on what I have said.

And boredom set in...

The room is ready. I have to write thank you notes but those will take about an hour. Maybe. If that. I literally have nothing to do except go groom Kandi and go to meetings.

I have never been this bored in my life. I am still feeling antisocial. I almost can't wait for August and moving back to Frankfort! Well, not almost, I can't. I can't wait for July to get here, for the baby to come. There is literally nothing left to do. I'm good to go with 7 weeks to spare. I hope she chooses to hang on until then, anyways. I posted a blog on my other blog, my horse blog. I don't care about TV. I guess all that there is to do it get some reading done. Wow I'm boring....

If I were smart, I would take this time to relax and breathe. In fact, that's what I'm going to try to do. But I can honestly say that I do not have a clue how to do that. I have never done that in my life. It is HARD to do!!!!!!

I just don't know what to do with myself.

I guess I could write about my plans for me and my baby.

I know there is only so much planning that can be done, that life will happen and I will have to adjust my plans accordingly. That I should just stay in today (at least that's what people in the rooms of AA tell me). I believe that. I try to be flexible these days. Picking everything up and moving here shows flexibility, does it not?

But to be honest with you, if I did not go into things in life without some sort of a plan, I would go NUTS! It comforts me to have a basic plan, a basic outline for what is going to happen. It makes me feel secure. So I am going to go into this motherhood and moving to Frankfort thing with a plan in mind!

I plan to stay here until mid- August, at which point there's an apartment building on Capital Ave. I hope to move into.

I hope to work for my Equine Business degree from late August to early May and graduate with that degree in Mid May with a 3.7 cumulative GPA. I hope to get that internship at CHA and be able to do most of it from home.

I plan to move Kandi down to the barn in Shelbyville September 1st. I hope to be able to have time to ride her. I also want to ride on the team, but it's likely that I won't be able to take a riding class. I would like to ride with Bennie Sargeant a bit learning from him, and that may be the extent of my practice. That would be a conflict of interest except that him and coach are buddies. While I am riding, showing, and attending class, my hope is that Kiley's father is in a right state of mind to watch her.

I do not plan on working unless I can find a job which will prepare me for work in my chosen field. Otherwise, I will just make enough to pay for daycare and be away from my daughter more than what's necessary....what's the point when preparing for Kiley's and my future? I do hope the internship turns into a job opportunity or that I am able to find a decent job while interning. That would be ideal. I'm not going to hunt for jobs that are a waste of time, though. I may consider a few hours a week working with the tbred babies I raised last year or if I could possibly get a job riding for Bennie that was decent pay, that would be good too! Other than that, why be away from my kid if it's not to put something on my resume that is worth mentioning, or something that will turn into a full time job upon graduation.

I plan on finding a fulltime job with benefits asap next year before or upon graduation. That may not happen, but I will do my darndest. I plan on finishing up my accounting degree in Fall '11 so that in May '12 I can receive my accounting degree. I have been told that businesses are snatching up people with accounting degrees. Good to know! If I cannot find a well paying job in the equine industry, at least there's that.

I want to save until I can buy (or at least lease--probably a better option for the short term) a little farm and board some horses. I want a more competitive show horse, whether it be an AQHA all arounder or an NRHA horse. We'll see where the path leads me.

I'm hoping I can make enough money boarding that I can quit working while I go to law school. I also want to show more competitively...I have a lot of big dreams when it comes to horses. I am thinking now that I'd like to go to UK for Equine and Family Law. I just want to make enough so that eventually, I can afford nice horses and buy a little farm and not owe anyone a thing. I don't need a lot of extravagant things, I really don't. I just want to be happy. Law is something I think I would be good at, and I do think it would make me happy. I don't think being a CPA would make me happy.

I want to be a lawyer and show horses. Maybe one day I can cut back on law and train and show horses for people too. I'm not sure whether or not I really want to do it, but it could make me happy if I play it right and if I keep it simple....I would also like to run a horse transportation company one of these days, or open up a show arena. I want to help people enjoy their horses...

I guess that's more long term stuff. I also want to have a baby boy in 2-3 years. I have to be married and own a home, though. Those are my qualifications for having another baby. Find a house in foreclosure! There's plenty of those. I just don't want my babies to be too far apart and I want to be young and spry and not exhausted from practicing law when I have more kids. So NOT going to law school until I'm done having babies. That's another requirement.

FOR THE SHORT TERM. I plan on breastfeeding. For sure, without a doubt. No one will change my mind. I want to breastfeed until Kiley's at least 18 months, if not until 2, which the World Health Organization recommends. If I have another one when she's 2 I won't be able to breastfeed that long, but it's right for my baby to breastfeed as long as possible. I also plan on taking her off the bottle at one when she can drink cow's milk and giving her the sippy cup. Juice in the sippy before that. I'm not going to supplement with formula. Ever. Why the hell would I pay anyone money for something I can get for free?

I wonder if you can be on birth control while breastfeeding? Hmm...I hadn't thought much about it.

Those are my thoughts for now. I'll actually try to write again tomorrow. Maybe I'll be more articulate then.

I guess God knows what he is doing...

Just when it seems my life is finally falling into place is just when it decides to start to fall apart.

Tobey is struggling. Big time. I no longer want to bear the grunt of his struggling. It took me a long time to come to that conclusion because I love him so much and I want to give my daughter a real family. I know he has a good heart, but I also know he has an ugly, irresponsible, defiant streak and I don't think he's ready to be a full time dad and a full time support system. I don't know what I was thinking believing that I could rely on him to support me when he has never even supported himself- so I take the blame for that.

So I left and came home to Columbus...which means I had to back out of my internship and I have to REAPPLY when I go back in the fall. UGH!!! However, there's another opportunity for an internship at the Certified Horsemanship Association, most of which can be done from home. That may be my best bet, since I'm going to need to save money and gas in any way possible. It's pretty much doing the same thing, too. So while the workaholic, crazy part of me thinks, HEY! I should do both!, the side of me that is rational and rearing it's ugly head more and more says, "NO don't wear yourself out! Do not screw yourself by taking on too much!" This one could also turn into a job opportunity. It will look phenomenal on my resume, too!

I'm still worried about what to do for money...I still have to find a place to live...since now I won't be living with Tobey. Tobey is trying to get help, now. Maybe this time he really wants it, maybe not. I just know I can't rely on him for financial support. At all. Well, maybe a pack of diapers here and there, but not anything other than that. I want to know where money is coming from and where it is going. I didn't with Tobey. I think it'll be far less stressful this way. I still talk to him all the time. I still have no plans to be with anyone else. But I'm not going to live with him until and unless he really gets his shit together and has been supporting himself and helping me with Kiley for a good long while.

Not so good at keeping up...

I guess I was supposed to update this twice a week. You see how well that's worked out.

School is out. 4 A's and 2 B's later, maybe I can get the motivation to do this thing? I have no job. I am bored as can be. I see no reason why not.

I did land an internship (at the Kentucky Horse Council with the Equine Education and Welfare Department) 5 days a week to go from May 20 to June 30. Hopefully Baby Kiley holds on until then. *Fingers Crossed* In addition to office work, here is a list of projects I will be working on:

• Developing educational topics for the eNews, including researching, getting reprint permission, writing articles, etc.


• Creating fact sheets for events and the website


• Updating and adding pages to the website, as well as adding articles and events to the online database.


• Possibly attending meetings for the World Games and other events with the Dir of Education and Welfare and the Exec. Dir.

Of course, there's the fear of not being able to do all that, not only because I'm a recovering alcoholic and my life has always been completely motivated by fear, but also because by the end of the internship, I will be 38 weeks pregnant and I'm already forgetful and tired, not to mention UNCOMFORTABLE and tired! I'm also scared she will not hold on until then.

Oh, the internship is unpaid. And in Lexington. Gas money is a concern, since Tobey just lost his job. Money is not plentiful in my home AT ALL.

I can only hope this internship turns into some sort of job opportunity or a connection for a job opportunity. That would be the ideal situation. I have been buying out the baby department at stores to make sure the baby has all she needs when she comes. I even opened a savings account for her so that if I'm running low on cash, she won't just have to do without. I guess they call that a nesting instinct. I am pretty sure I won't have to go shopping for 6 months once she gets here.

I am worried about finding a daycare that will take her part time, or shit I'll even do full time if the state will pay for it; maybe I can get a job that way to take some of the financial stress off!!

I really don't want to settle for just any old job at this point....I want one with a future for me. That only makes sense since I'll be looking for one after graduation anyway. What's the point in finding a job i'll just be at for a few months when I need a big girl job soon enough anyway? I don't want something that will take me away from my daughter for no good reason.

I am also worried about Kandi. Not her, but paying for her. I can't sell her because of her temperament. Most people can't deal with it. My dad's been awesome, helping me with her a LOT financially the last year. I don't want to have to keep asking him to do that! Luckily, I found a place down here near Frankfort in Shelbyville about 20 miles away for her that's only $295/month for full care and a big old pasture to herself.
Add to that about $25/month for some M30,
about $150 every seven weeks for the farrier (yea, they're expensive here!),
$45/month for supplements,
$300 twice a year for the vet,
possibly another $100 every now and then for the chiropractor..... that ends up adding up to about $420/month. This doesn't include hoof treatment and linament....which isn't too expensive but still adds up! That's not too much if I didn't have this baby to think about, but when thinking about the baby, it seems like a million dollars!

I just hope that job comes sooner rather than later!!! PLEASE LET IT COME!!! Don't get me wrong, I know I have to do the dirty work, but I'll do that no problem....so long as the job openings come.

I'm also considering looking into earning my MBA after I receive my equine business degree....while I'm trying to earn my accounting degree. It would be doable. I just have to find out if they will let me. I'm guessing if I give them money they will let me.

Maybe it's better just to wait another year until I'm not technically my mother's dependent. UGHHHH so much to think about....perhaps I had better just try to work a year and establish my own income level so that I will get lots and lots of assistance!

I maybe should not try to jump the gun so much here! I'm notoriously bad for that....Who knows anyway? I may get lucky and get offered a $50,000/year job with just my bachelor's degree (which I will TOTALLY take by the way. Silly people thinking that's not enough right out of college.... I would like to smack them!!!!!!!!) I really don't like the idea of getting the MBA and the JD all at the same time like how I was thinking of doing. BAD PLAN!!!!!!!! Especially, I'm realizing, if I want to be useful as a mother and as a friend and as a regular human being. I want to be a good mommy, not an overworked mommy who always says I'll play later. That's how it has to be sometimes, but I'd like to make that less rather than more.

I do hope I can learn to relax...