Still no news

So now is what I've heard described as the "banging your head against the wall" period. I've had some minor indications that labor could be getting closer, but none that has turned into anything. I've had lower back pain, stomach tightening (Braxton Hicks, and pretty close together too! Some have even been stronger than others, but there's been no regular rhythm.), pelvic pressure, cramps, and the whole nesting thing is kicking in.

Speaking of nesting, yesterday I had an urge to clean and oil my saddle of all things. WOW. I haven't touched it in, like, a year. Whyyyy now? LOL. This morning I vacuumed my room. Twice. With two different vacuums.

All I can say is that this had BETTER not last for three weeks. I'll be pissed. I am being teased by my own body and I don't like it! LOL

I'm scared that I won't be ready and that I won't be good enough to be a good mommy. I'm afraid of post partum depression. I have some known risk factors. Being unsupported by my partner, going through a seperation, having suffered from depression pre pregnancy, unplanned pregnancy...just to name a few.

I am afraid that I won't be able to accomplish my career goals the way I want to...or that I'll be so caught up in trying to do that that I will miss my children growing up. I guess one reason why I like the thought of finishing having babies by 26 or so is because then I can focus on having my babies, weaning them, THEN trying to have the high-powered career rather than doing it all at one time.

I just hope I will be able to find a balance.

The uncertainty having to do with Tobey is stressful to think about too. I want one or two more children and I want to be done having children in 5 years. So, either Tobey REALLY has to step up to the plate or I need to move on and find someone who wants the same things I do and is ready to have those things SOON. I guess in the next year I will find out which way it is going to go.

It will definitely be a crazy ride, this next year. I can't wait to be a mommy already! I have been waiting for this since I was 3 years old and playing house!

Aaaaand the waiting continues...

Tuesday Dr. Appointment/Updated Birth Plan/Other News

On Tuesday, I had an appointment at the OB's. He guessed that the baby is about 6 1/2 pounds at this time and he also said that I was 1 cm dialated and about 80% effaced. So now I'm just waiting. She could come today, or she could come in 3 weeks. This feels ridiculous...at this point I'm just waiting, waiting, waiting...

I am happy she's healthy though. Her heart beat is 140 beats/minute and she tried to hide from the doctor's doplar! HAHA! He got a heartbeat right away and then she turned away from us and it took a little bit to find her again. It's a strong heartbeat when she lets you listen! I'm also measuring about 36 cm, which is right about where I should be!

I decided to change my mind about the cord blood on the birth plan. Here's the new, more compact, easier-to-read version.

Birth Plan- Ramona Palm-Oslin
EDD:7/13/10
Dr. Stockwell, OB/GYN
• Birth Partners are: Kittie Palm-Houser, mother; Amy Wakeling, doula; Tobey Johnson, FOB (possibly)
• Music requested
• Pictures to be taken during labor and after birth by partners
Labor:
• I’d like to do early labor at home and come to the hospital while in active labor.
• Once admitted I would like
o My birth partners to stay with me at all times
o To have clear fluids instead of an IV for hydration
o To walk and move around as I choose
o To be allowed to progress without time limits, as long as all is well.
• As long as baby and I are doing well, I would like to have intermittent rather than continuous fetal monitoring.
• INDUCTION OPTIONS
o I don’t want the amniotic membrane ruptured manually unless there is fetal distress.
o I want to try nipple stimulation and changing positions before pitocin is administered, unless there is a problem with baby or me.
• When it’s time to push, I would like to do so instinctively rather than be told when to, unless I ask for help.
• I’d like to be in a semi- reclining position when it’s time to push. I would also like this to progress naturally and at its own rate unless there’s a problem.
• I would like to manage pain by shower, breathing and distraction techniques, hot/cold therapy, massage, birthing ball, walking, etc.
o Will request epidural if I need it- I do not want it offered please! 
• I would like to risk a tear rather than have an episiotomy, unless the baby is in distress.
• After Birth:
o I would like my baby to be placed on my chest to try to nurse right away; any non urgent procedures should be put off.
o I would like to breastfeed ASAP.
• The placenta should be delivered spontaneously.
In Case of C-Section
• I want my mom present in this case, and Tobey if he’s there. I also want my doula there to help me nurse once I give birth.
• I want the baby given to Tobey if he’s there, my mother if he’s not right after she is dried.
• I want to breastfeed in the recovery room. No bottles or pacifiers should be offered.
Post-Partum
• After delivery, I would like all newborn procedures done in my presence, including bathing, weight taking, etc. and for my mom/Tobey to be with the baby at all times if I can’t be there
• I would like to delay clamping the cord and let it pulsate for 3-5 minutes until pulsating ceases.
• I plan to BREASTFEED EXCLUSIVELY. PLEASE DO NOT OFFER MY BABY ANY BOTTLE/FORMULA OR A PACIFIER AT ANY TIME!!!! Unless a bottle is needed for medical reasons.
• I want to feed on demand.
• I want to room in with my baby 24 hours a day unless there’s a problem with her or unless I request she go to the nursery.






I GOT THAT APARTMENT ON CAPITAL AVENUE IN FRANKFORT!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess two people had turned in applications but their credit was denied. God really works for people who trust him! I worked hard to turn that aspect of my life over to him, for me anyway, and he came through for me! I am so pleased to have that apartment; it's SOOO nice! It's just what I wanted and it's a relief to know I have it.

More about the Birth Plan

I realize labor won't necessarily go exactly as I imagine it, but at least there is an outline there for what I absolutely want to try and what I absolutely don't want. Otherwise, it's what the doctors want to do because it's easiest and it covers their asses.

I did add to it under vaginal birth that I want the placenta to be delivered spontaneously, that's instead of them deciding it needs to come out at x point and that they need to go in and get it because it can't wait until it's ready.

That's actually about it for now, at least when it comes to that. We'll see how close the actual labor, etc. goes to this!

Birth Plan

This is what I typed up today.

Birth Plan
EDD:7/13/10
Dr. Stockwell
Delivering at Riverside Hospital

Attendants and Ammenities:
People Present:
• Kittie Palm-Houser, mother
• Amy Wakeling, Doula
• Tobey Johnson, FOB (possibly)
Other Details:
• Music requested
• Pictures to be taken during labor and after birth(by mother)

Labor:
• I’d like to do early labor at home and come to the hospital while in active labor.
• Once admitted I would like
o My birth partners to stay with me at all times
o To have clear fluids instead of an IV for hydration
o To walk and move around as I choose
o A birthing ball
o To take showers
o To be allowed to progress without time limits, as long as all is well.
• As long as baby and I are doing well, I would like to have intermittent rather than continuous fetal monitoring.
• INDUCTION OPTIONS
o I don’t want the amniotic membrane ruptured manually unless there is fetal distress.
o I want to try nipple stimulation and changing positions before pitocin is administered.
• When it’s time to push, I would like to do so instinctively rather than be told when to, unless I ask for help.
• I’d like to be in a semi- reclining position when it’s time to push. I would also like this to progress naturally and at its own rate unless there’s a problem.

PAIN RELIEF
• I would like to manage pain by
o Shower
o Breathing and distraction techniques
o Hot/cold therapy
o Visualization
o Massage
o Birthing ball/walking
o Will request epidural if I need it- I do not want it offered please!

Vaginal Birth
• I would like to risk a tear rather than have an episiotomy, unless the baby is in distress.
• After Birth:
o I would like my baby to place on my chest to try to nurse right away, any non urgent procedures should be put off.
o I would like to breastfeed ASAP
o No oxytocin after placenta delivery

C-Section
• I want my mom present in this case, and Tobey if he’s there. I also want my doula there to help me nurse once I give birth.
• I want the baby given to Tobey if he’s there, my mother if he’s not right after she is dried.
• I want to breastfeed in the recovery room. No bottles or pacifiers should be offered.

Post-Partum
• After delivery, I would like:
o All newborn procedures done in my presence, including bathing, weight taking, etc.
o My mom/Tobey to be with the baby at all times if I can’t be there
• I would like the cord cut right after and I want to bank the cord blood.
• I plan to BREASTFEED EXCLUSIVELY. PLEASE DO NOT OFFER MY BABY ANY BOTTLE/FORMULA OR A PACIFIER AT ANY TIME!!!! Unless a bottle is needed for medical reasons.
• I want to feed on demand.
• I want to room in with my baby 24 hours a day unless there’s a problem with her or unless I request she go to the nursery.

Doula

I met with a doula on Tuesday. She was recommended by my next door neighbor, Cindy. I have decided to use her during the birth.

What happened Tuesday was a free consultation where she told me what hiring her involved and gave me some literature on different options during the birthing process and additional prenatal care she would have me do.



What I'm doing now is adding Calcium Magnesium and Evening Primrose Oil to my daily supplements. I don't really remember what the Calcium is for, but the Primrose Oil is said to help with softening a woman's cervix. Apparently a first time labor requires the cervix to soften before a woman can dialate, whereas after that she can dialate without softening, so it's important that my cervix have as much help as possible so that I can have a natural labor.

She also gave me a recipe for pregnancy tea, which Steve made for me. I drink a couple glasses a day. Also, I have a list of foods high in protein that are also nutritious. My mom got the ingredients I needed today and the rest of the stuff we already have. So, I can make small meals out of those things. Most of them are lighter than meat, anyway, which is better because sometimes I get heartburn from eating too much meat.

I also have to write up a birth plan including what I want to happen during labor, during birth, and after the birth. Basically, whether I want (unnecessary) induction, pitocin, epidurals, etc. and whether I want to walk, shower, etc., then whether I want the cord cut right away (apparently there are benefits to waiting), then whether I want the baby handed straight to me before she is weighed, cleaned, etc. and given a chance to nurse, whether I want them to offer her any formula or a pacifier, etc. That needs to be done soon. It really should have been done in time for my doctor's appointment on Thursday so the doctor could sign off on it sooner rather than later, since he's out of town today until the 27th. But, it wasn't. I just have to do that as soon as possible.

The plan is that I will have two office visits and one home visit before the baby is born. Then, when I go into labor, she will come to my home and labor with me until we decide it's time to go to the hospital and finish laboring there, probably at about 7 cm or so. Then she will help me through the rest and assist me with breastfeeding when the baby is born. We then have a follow up visit about 3 weeks after Kiley is born. I already have a visit scheduled at the office for Wednesday at 8 PM, then another at home the following Tuesday at 12:30.

I'm pretty excited about this. It makes me feel better about the possibility of a natural labor.

36 weeks, 2 days today

I went to the OB again today and have another appointment for Tuesday at 9:45 AM. The regular OB is out of town next week so another Riverside Hospital OB is filling in and it's only one day during one hour. Normally it wouldn't be 5 days apart like that, but that's why it is this time.

Anyway, she's doing perfect. There are still no signs that I'll go into labor anytime soon. That's a good thing, she's still "preterm" right now. The longer she can bake in here, the better. That's not to say I'm not plenty ready to be done being pregnant and to meet her!

I find it hard to tell people how I feel about my baby, but I really can't wait to hold her. I really can't wait to be a mommy. I've wanted to be a mom since I was about 3 years old. When I got pregnant, I had no plans to have any babies anytime soon. Most of my friends had names for babies like "crib midgets." I wasn't much different.

I knew what to do with a baby, but I didn't have any desire to be around them very much at that point in my life. I liked the fact that everyone I was around could take care of themselves, at least enough to feed themselves and wipe themselves! (Although her dad really isn't that great at taking care of himself! I didn't even realize how much I was taking care of him until I wasn't anymore!) No one I was around was under 17. I was fine with that. Spending my weekends playing Spongebob Life with a 10 year old and changing diapers was NOT my idea of a good time. I had NO plans to be a mommy for a WHILE.

The day I found out I was pregnant, that all changed. My whole world changed. I struggled hard to quit smoking, and finally kicked the habit completely 3 weeks and 2 days ago. I started making plans differently. I started to think about her before I thought about what I wanted to do, eat, drink, smoke, not do, whatever. She even trumped horses. (I haven't ridden since December.) I never thought ANYTHING would trump horses.

There have definitely been times when I have missed riding so much I could shoot myself but I have NEVER resented her for a second! I know that graduate school will be VERY HARD for me with a child to worry about, as will getting my bachelor's, but I NEVER resented her for that. I think she's a blessing. I thought I would resent her at some point of my pregnancy, while I was puking my guts up or experiencing round ligament pain...but I really was able to seperate PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS from MY HELPLESS, INNOCENT CHILD. I am really surprised with myself!

I am now having fears that I won't be a good mommy. I don't even know why. I know what makes a good mommy and I'm clearly willing to change things around to accomodate her. I guess it's just normal, not thinking you will be good enough to do a good job at something so huge and beautiful as raising a child.

I just have to remind myself of the sacrifices I've already made for my child without a second thought and trust that I would make them again in a heartbeat and so much more.

I am not SCARED of the labor and delivery at this point. I am scared that something will go wrong with HER and that she won't be okay, but I guess that is normal, too. I just have to pray that she will be protected, do what I can do to have a healthy newborn, and try to relax. This is such a wild ride!

Character defects: My emergencies are everyone else's

I think it all boils down to selfishness, but I really do come off this way many times. I panic when I plan on things being done a certain way at a certain time and they are not. Then everyone else must jump on it immediately.

Hormones at 8 months pregnant do not help this little habit because it makes all my emotions and sentiments about 1000 times stronger!

That is a character defect to work on, and the solution is to pray to be more available to and aware of others, and to help them. Prayer does no good without any action. I struggle with this, though, too, as I have mentioned in previous blogs. I guess it's something I will REALLY need to work on ASAP.

*Dish bill update:
I called today because the boxes need to be reshipped (since Tobey didn't tell Bo, the Native American he's living with, that they would be coming so Bo didn't know they were at the right address and sent them away.) and found out I only have to pay $280 for a cancellation fee to Dish. STILL quite ridiculous, but better than $315. My grandma is giving me $300 to spend! So, I'll pay the $280 to Dish and then have $20 to spend!

My mom says I should get something for me with the $20, even though my first instinct is to save the money for diaper and wipe money. I said I'd spend it on me, but I don't know whether I will...I may not be able to resist the temptation to put it in Kiley's saving account. Yes, I opened an unborn child a savings account. Probably in attempt to avoid what this blog was originally about.

Well, I think I'm going to hit the sack pretty soon, but there's my update for today.. Tomorrow I meet with the doula my next door neigbor recommended for the first time!

Inventory-- "Closed- Mouth" Syndrome

Part of this little antisocial thing has been pure tiredness, but I think I need to take a deeper look at it.

I don't talk in meetings hardly at all, in fact the last couple of times I have totally forgot what I was trying to say (pregnant brain!) and spaced out in the middle of my sentence. I couldn't even find anything to say upon receiving my one year chip. I don't REALLY know why this is....except maybe that I talk so much most of the time, maybe I need to learn how NOT to say anything. I think right now that could be the truth.

Another reason I don't talk much is because sometimes it's really hard to bear my soul to a room full of mostly older people. The ones who aren't older, for the most part, want no part of sobriety. For the most part, they are there because of a DUI or a public intoxication charge and plan to go get really shitty after the meeting. I, quite frankly, want nothing to do with them. As for older people, I feel like they won't be interested in what I have to say. And I'm probably wrong, because a lot of them say they wish they'd figured it out this young.

I've also heard a lot of them say that they did come in this young and proceeded to go back out for 5+ years. I'm scared that if I go back out, they will think I was full of shit. And, to be honest with you, I feel like I actually have nothing to say a lot of the time. The truth is, when people ask for ways to handle what they're going through, I really have no clue how to handle it, in fact a lot of times I struggle with it myself.

I'm a little scared I'll go back out. That scares me because, honestly, my plans don't really match up with what my life will become if I go back out. If I DO pick back up where I left off, I won't keep my scholarship for long. I sure as hell won't be able to keep a job. I won't want to do anything but use, drink, and sleep. That's where I was when I came in. I'm so grateful for the ego that alcoholics are famous for, because that's why I came into the rooms of AA. Because my ego was bruised because I could not control my drinking and using and I was supposed to be the strongest woman in the world.

I didn't just use drugs either, I used men. See, if I didn't smoke a blunt or drink a pint, I had sex. Anything to fill the hole, anything to make me feel better, anything to get me high in some form or another. I almost feel like allowing myself to be used like that by other people is MORE shameful than the drug doing.

The first year of sobriety, I may not have done drugs or drank alcohol, but I got another addiction! Tobey! He worked for a little while, too! Once I got pregnant and he went back to doing drugs, he no longer worked because he wouldn't pay attention to me anymore and I tried to FORCE him to work! I tried to literally force him. I tried to make him think it was his JOB to be everything I wanted. I want something different in my second year...I want to be SOBER and let GOD/MY HIGHER POWER be my "addiction"/"refuge"/"hole-filler" whatever you want to call it!!

You know what though, it's hard to get out of myself when my instincts are turning inward, to my baby and to my body. I'm doing what I can, and most days I make it to a meeting, try to call my sponsor, try to get some big book reading in, try to pray at least a little, try to be honest and of service, and I don't use or drink. But you know, some days I'm just too damn tired to get anything out of a meeting!

When I only have one other thing, a meeting is just fine to get to and I get something out of it. When I have 4 or 5 other things going on, I get nothing out of it and I just resent being there. I guess those are the times when I need to try and really be of service. Right now, though, my maternal instincts are telling me that only my baby is important and therefore what my body thinks my baby needs is the ONLY priority. Sometimes that's sleep or rest instead of a meeting.

Oh, I can't get ahold of my sponsor!!!!! UGH frustrating...I feel that a lot lately. I had road rage yesterday and it scared me. It makes me scared to drive anywhere. My hormones are taking me for a ride!!! I have NEVER experienced impatience, frustration, anger, resentment, sadness, ANYTHING like this before!! Crazy hormones!

My point is that I may have 1 year and 2 weeks sober, but I am still a complete mess!!! I just want to try to make this second year of sobriety count and really try to be a little more serene. Here goes, I guess!

Expectations of the Birth Experience

I know that every birth is different, and that mine will be what it is, but I still think it's helpful to talk about expectations. I want to try a natural childbirth, with little or no drugs and no intervention.

I learned a bunch of pain management technicques in my childbirth class and I want to use them instead of having an epidural. My understanding is that an epidural means you cannot walk around during labor. I think I'll go crazy if I have a long labor and can't walk around! I'm far too ADHD! I am looking into a doula right now.

I have told myself that if I do need interventions, such as pitocin or an epidural or even a C-Section because of a long and hard labor, I will try my best not to be too hard on myself. I just want to be able to take care of her as much as possible as soon as she's born and breastfeed ASAP. I will be disappointed if inteventions prevent her from being able to stay with me and not in the nursery.

I am also scared to do it without her dad being there. I just assumed he would be there, but he probably won't. I don't want to do it without him. It just doesn't seem right to me.

I just want a positive first few hours with my little girl, more than anything else. I don't want to sleep through it!

35 Weeks, 4 days

I am seeing the OB every week now. This last visit on Thursday my measurements went up by 2 CM, from 32 CM to 34 CM. That was in a week!

That makes me so happy because from week 28 to the end of week 31, I only went up by 1.5 CM, from 27 to 28.5. It's supposed to correspond to the week, but the last few times my measurements have been slightly below. Not so far below to cause concern, but slightly below the number of weeks. I'm not too worried at this point because I was a fairly small baby.

My baby is about 5 1/4 to 5 1/2 lbs at this point. I just want her to get to 6 lbs before she comes. I'll be happy with that, I'm just getting SO UNCOMFORTABLE!!! The doctor said she's still negative station, which means the baby hasn't moved down into my pelvic bone yet, my mucus plug is still in place, and the cervix is still closed tight, no softening yet. That means the baby's not ready to come out, even if I am ready for her! I guess no one asked my opinion on the matter!!

I am having to come to terms with the fact that everything is not necessarily going to be worked out before the baby's born. My nesting instinct seems to have manifested itself in an organizational, almost obsessive form where ALL the details of our move back to Frankfort MUST be worked out NOW! Everything is already clean and sanitized. Part of that may be boredom, because with a month left, there's almost nothing to do but nap. I can only do that so much when I have to make sure there's this and this to do before the baby comes. I just wish I knew WHERE I was going to live and whether Tobey was going to follow through with being my daycare or if I'll have to spend time away from my baby to find a good one!

I've found myself going to women's meetings a lot. I think that's a step in the right direction for me, because, like most female alcholics, women are the enemy. I do not like them. It is not in my nature to not compete with other women and I really don't get along with most of them. Men are just easier for me to get along with.

It's good for me, then, to be around women. It helps me to maybe learn to get along with them a little better and not be so intimidated. I'm feeling no less anti social, though.

I even told Tobey not to talk to me anymore until he wanted or is able to pay the Dish bill he's responsible for. I am so tired of hearing "I will" do this and that from him and never seeing any results. I devoted so much energy to helping him and it has not been returned, has been very selfish on his side and I am just so over hearing it. I want to see it if he's changing. Apparently he's made ammends or restitution to other people. That's awesome, but they're not having his kid. I didn't make the kid or run the Dish bill all by myself. If he really is meaning to get well, he will. And when he is doing what he should do, I will see that bill at least partially paid.

BACKGROUND ON THE DISH BILL:
When we were using cable, I paid the $45 bill myself every month. It's HIM who was so obsessed with TV. With this company, when you cancel early, it's $17.50 a FREAKING MONTH cancellation fee!! Since we had 18 months left on the contract, that ends being a total of $315 cancellation fee!!!? Ridiculous! I can understand, say, a $50 cancellation fee for cancelling in the first year and, say, a $25 cancellation fee for cancelling in the second year. But $315!?!?! Oh, and the bill's in my name.

It's not that I even expect him to pay the whole $315 (although he should). Just, like $100 would be helpful! He is working with a sponsor and with the Native American healer. I think that's good, Native Americans are the most Spiritual people there are. I think he's learning, I'm just frustrated.

I think what has me so frustrated is the possibility that he may not be there when Kiley's born, unless she waits until after the 18th of July. Apparently that week there's a Native American "healing ritual/meeting of the elders" type deal that the Creator (God/The Almighty/Higher Power) has told him he needs to go to before he can see me again and before he can see Kiley, that something life changing will happen to him to make him a better man and father.

I don't know whether it's crazy enough to be true, or whether it's an out so he can do what he wants. It just doesn't make sense that what he wants is to not be there when his baby girl is born. He was devastated when I walked away because he wanted to be there. He talked about nothing but being there for months. He wanted a baby more than I did at the time. Like I said, Native Americans are the most spiritual people there are. I want to think it's true. If it is, I don't want to put it down. I just don't like the idea of doing childbirth without the man who helped me make the child.

My Chihuauas are making me crazier and crazier the more pregnant I get. They are out of control and I hardly have the energy to discipline them. I have tried to make their days more structured the last couple of days by watching them all the time, going outside with them, crating them for a little while every few hours, and kind of dictating more of their activities. It seems to be working well, and it's actually not as tiring as letting them do what they want.


The other night with them was chaos. They slipped out through a whole in the gate (which has since been blocked by bricks) and there were a few families there with dogs and kids and they were running from person to person and dog to dog and all over the street just barking their heads off, and they almost got hit by cars about three times. Then one of the moms left the kids stroller on a slanted driveway to try to help me get them and the stroller tipped over while her toddler was in it (which wasn't the dogs fault, it was just part of the chaos), so it was all just a disaster and I just started crying and got really upset! Especially with Tobey! So, the more structured day for the dogs is helping, because that was just overwhelming and a breaking point for me.


I have been thinking about what I want to do with my life until I can get to Law School. I do have to find out about the LSAT in regards to Law school. If I get the credits needed to graduate, with my accounting degree in 2012, I will have gotten 146.66 credits lifetime. I have to have 150 to take the CPA exam.

What I want to do is something for an equine organization or publication with some flexibility, and maybe ride some for people on the side. I will take two extra 3 credit hour accounting electives to receive 152.66 credits total and then take the CPA exam as something to fall back on.

Even if I'm NOT a licensed CPA, people with accounting degrees are in high demand, even with the economy. So, even if I have some sort of consulting or editing job, I can still make money for sure accounting for one or two companies. I don't particularly WANT to be a full time accountant, to be honest, but I will if it means a good income and good benefits. It doesn't really sound like a good time, but I'm good at accounting anyway, so it would be a challenge but it would be doable.

My goal is to find a job with benefits and have a little flexibility since I'm going to be a mommy and I'd like to be one again in two or 3 years.

What I thought I'd do this winter if my internship (and my possible gig at the World Games) hasn't turned up any prospects is to stop by Southern States, the Equine Feed store in Frankfort and try to get on there doing one thing or another. That could also turn into something.

I just can't wait to get my Law degree...I think UK's Law program sounds perfect for me. Check it out: http://www.law.uky.edu/ There are Law firms that practice Equine Law that have offices in Frankfort, Lexington, and Louisville, too!!

I really do have so many things I could do...I just want to make sure I expand my riding abilities too! That's the most important thing in my life, next to my baby and my sobriety. It really is great to be young and have the world at my feet!

I'm really going to have to get better at this!!

Here is 34 weeks along. Today I'm 34 weeks and 4 days. I am getting VERY uncomfortable and wake up a lot during the night because I just can't get to where I'm confortable. I sleep on my side, but I have to switch sides all the time because my hip hurts when I lay on it for too long.

I saw the doctor on Thursday. I was excited that it was my first doctors' visit where I was officially nicotine free. It's actually fairly easy to quit smoking when you are in a nonstressful environment! The doctors office up here seems to have pretty nice people working there.

I did get approved for Ohio Medicaid. They say I need to choose a plan here in the next few days. I'll have to figure that out Monday. The OBGYN I chose does not take Medicaid, but they plan on trying to get some of it covered through medicaid. I like this doctor, I don't want to switch doctors. I just have to see which the pediatrician I chose is on so his services will be covered.

I have another appointment on Thursday. He (Dr. Stockwell) wants to start doing weekly visits now. Fine with me! It's not as though I have a lot of other things to do! And I get nervous sometimes between doctors visits. A week is less time to get nervous in than 2 weeks or 4 weeks, which is the way it's been.

I did make a flyer to hang up at church today offering baby and pet sitting until I have the baby as something to do and a way to make a litte money. I hope I get a few calls. I have meetings, grooming Kandi everyday, and napping. I do try to relax when possible and just enjoy what little relaxing time I have left, but it's hard for me to do. I like having things to do! Plus a little extra money wouldn't hurt!

I looked at an apartment in Frankfort. I am hoping that I will be able to live in that complex, as it's VERY nice, in a nice neighborhood, and a decent price at $450/month including water, sewer, and trash. It's a very very nice apartment too. However, they only take deposits 30 days in advance at the most. I am really hoping to go there. The location of the particular apartment within the complex that is open now is even perfect! It would just be so nice to live where I want! It's in downtown Frankfort, walking distance from everywhere. I really hate the waiting game! Of all kinds! I guess what is supposed to happen will happen. God does know what he's doing!

I still feel anti-social and have been informed that it's natural for someone as pregnant as me to feel that way. So that is what I'm going to blame it on! :)

You know, this writing really does help. It helps me to organize my thoughts enough to think straight, which I often can no longer do. I feel like I may be a year sober, but I'm still a mess. I can hardly form a complete, somewhat meaningful sentence out loud without the possibility of crying. And I'm still fighting the whole turning it over to God thing. I just cannot focus on much of anything, though, except getting ready for this baby and putting a roof over her head and diapers on her butt! Writing at least does not require you to get it right the first time, the way speaking does.

I sort of find myself wishing a lot that I had a normal family. Like, a fiance that, you know, went to work and made a living and did what he had to do to provide for my child. Someone without any children from any former relationships just as fucked up as ours got...someone that fulfilled his responsibilities and did not inform me that he was making sacrifices simply by working. But, I don't. Kiley's dad is not those things. It's a little frustrating....I never wanted to do this myself. I wanted to graduate and get a big girl job and get married and buy a house (or at least be on my way to buying a house) AND THEN have a baby. I feel like it's all happening backwards. Poor child will not have a stable home with a daily routine for a while. I really do not LIKE simplicity when I look at it honestly.

I never could do things the "correct" way in the "proper" order. I started by falling for someone BEFORE I got to know him. Bad idea...love is really really blind. And it does not solve all things. And then I thought that you know, he hadn't done right by his other two kids but he would do right by mine just cuz it was MINE and mine would be SUPER special! I also thought I could depend on someone to support me who couldn't even support himself. That's my fault. I was crazy. See? Love is VERY blind. I will blame it on being young and dumb. I wonder if I will grow out of it or not? I don't know but I know even though I left, I still cannot walk away completely.

And now he's trying another way to get well and get things back on track. I hope it works. I am trying not to make plans based on hoping it works. I've done far too much of that. See? More of the "love is blind" theory. And oh, it is! I love hearing other girls talk about how they're too smart to fall for someone who has nothing of note to offer them. Cuz I was too!! I'm on the dean's list! Come on!! Uhh yeahh, girls are silly when it comes to boys. Retarded almost.

OH and I can get on an IUD form of birth control while I'm breast feeding! So, I talked to the OB about getting on Mirena when I have the baby. He thinks it's a good idea. With Mirena, you can keep it in for up to five years but you can take it out anytime you want to start trying for another. That's better than having to remember a pill everyday or a shot every few months! So, I think that's what I am going to do.