35 Weeks, 4 days

I am seeing the OB every week now. This last visit on Thursday my measurements went up by 2 CM, from 32 CM to 34 CM. That was in a week!

That makes me so happy because from week 28 to the end of week 31, I only went up by 1.5 CM, from 27 to 28.5. It's supposed to correspond to the week, but the last few times my measurements have been slightly below. Not so far below to cause concern, but slightly below the number of weeks. I'm not too worried at this point because I was a fairly small baby.

My baby is about 5 1/4 to 5 1/2 lbs at this point. I just want her to get to 6 lbs before she comes. I'll be happy with that, I'm just getting SO UNCOMFORTABLE!!! The doctor said she's still negative station, which means the baby hasn't moved down into my pelvic bone yet, my mucus plug is still in place, and the cervix is still closed tight, no softening yet. That means the baby's not ready to come out, even if I am ready for her! I guess no one asked my opinion on the matter!!

I am having to come to terms with the fact that everything is not necessarily going to be worked out before the baby's born. My nesting instinct seems to have manifested itself in an organizational, almost obsessive form where ALL the details of our move back to Frankfort MUST be worked out NOW! Everything is already clean and sanitized. Part of that may be boredom, because with a month left, there's almost nothing to do but nap. I can only do that so much when I have to make sure there's this and this to do before the baby comes. I just wish I knew WHERE I was going to live and whether Tobey was going to follow through with being my daycare or if I'll have to spend time away from my baby to find a good one!

I've found myself going to women's meetings a lot. I think that's a step in the right direction for me, because, like most female alcholics, women are the enemy. I do not like them. It is not in my nature to not compete with other women and I really don't get along with most of them. Men are just easier for me to get along with.

It's good for me, then, to be around women. It helps me to maybe learn to get along with them a little better and not be so intimidated. I'm feeling no less anti social, though.

I even told Tobey not to talk to me anymore until he wanted or is able to pay the Dish bill he's responsible for. I am so tired of hearing "I will" do this and that from him and never seeing any results. I devoted so much energy to helping him and it has not been returned, has been very selfish on his side and I am just so over hearing it. I want to see it if he's changing. Apparently he's made ammends or restitution to other people. That's awesome, but they're not having his kid. I didn't make the kid or run the Dish bill all by myself. If he really is meaning to get well, he will. And when he is doing what he should do, I will see that bill at least partially paid.

BACKGROUND ON THE DISH BILL:
When we were using cable, I paid the $45 bill myself every month. It's HIM who was so obsessed with TV. With this company, when you cancel early, it's $17.50 a FREAKING MONTH cancellation fee!! Since we had 18 months left on the contract, that ends being a total of $315 cancellation fee!!!? Ridiculous! I can understand, say, a $50 cancellation fee for cancelling in the first year and, say, a $25 cancellation fee for cancelling in the second year. But $315!?!?! Oh, and the bill's in my name.

It's not that I even expect him to pay the whole $315 (although he should). Just, like $100 would be helpful! He is working with a sponsor and with the Native American healer. I think that's good, Native Americans are the most Spiritual people there are. I think he's learning, I'm just frustrated.

I think what has me so frustrated is the possibility that he may not be there when Kiley's born, unless she waits until after the 18th of July. Apparently that week there's a Native American "healing ritual/meeting of the elders" type deal that the Creator (God/The Almighty/Higher Power) has told him he needs to go to before he can see me again and before he can see Kiley, that something life changing will happen to him to make him a better man and father.

I don't know whether it's crazy enough to be true, or whether it's an out so he can do what he wants. It just doesn't make sense that what he wants is to not be there when his baby girl is born. He was devastated when I walked away because he wanted to be there. He talked about nothing but being there for months. He wanted a baby more than I did at the time. Like I said, Native Americans are the most spiritual people there are. I want to think it's true. If it is, I don't want to put it down. I just don't like the idea of doing childbirth without the man who helped me make the child.

My Chihuauas are making me crazier and crazier the more pregnant I get. They are out of control and I hardly have the energy to discipline them. I have tried to make their days more structured the last couple of days by watching them all the time, going outside with them, crating them for a little while every few hours, and kind of dictating more of their activities. It seems to be working well, and it's actually not as tiring as letting them do what they want.


The other night with them was chaos. They slipped out through a whole in the gate (which has since been blocked by bricks) and there were a few families there with dogs and kids and they were running from person to person and dog to dog and all over the street just barking their heads off, and they almost got hit by cars about three times. Then one of the moms left the kids stroller on a slanted driveway to try to help me get them and the stroller tipped over while her toddler was in it (which wasn't the dogs fault, it was just part of the chaos), so it was all just a disaster and I just started crying and got really upset! Especially with Tobey! So, the more structured day for the dogs is helping, because that was just overwhelming and a breaking point for me.


I have been thinking about what I want to do with my life until I can get to Law School. I do have to find out about the LSAT in regards to Law school. If I get the credits needed to graduate, with my accounting degree in 2012, I will have gotten 146.66 credits lifetime. I have to have 150 to take the CPA exam.

What I want to do is something for an equine organization or publication with some flexibility, and maybe ride some for people on the side. I will take two extra 3 credit hour accounting electives to receive 152.66 credits total and then take the CPA exam as something to fall back on.

Even if I'm NOT a licensed CPA, people with accounting degrees are in high demand, even with the economy. So, even if I have some sort of consulting or editing job, I can still make money for sure accounting for one or two companies. I don't particularly WANT to be a full time accountant, to be honest, but I will if it means a good income and good benefits. It doesn't really sound like a good time, but I'm good at accounting anyway, so it would be a challenge but it would be doable.

My goal is to find a job with benefits and have a little flexibility since I'm going to be a mommy and I'd like to be one again in two or 3 years.

What I thought I'd do this winter if my internship (and my possible gig at the World Games) hasn't turned up any prospects is to stop by Southern States, the Equine Feed store in Frankfort and try to get on there doing one thing or another. That could also turn into something.

I just can't wait to get my Law degree...I think UK's Law program sounds perfect for me. Check it out: http://www.law.uky.edu/ There are Law firms that practice Equine Law that have offices in Frankfort, Lexington, and Louisville, too!!

I really do have so many things I could do...I just want to make sure I expand my riding abilities too! That's the most important thing in my life, next to my baby and my sobriety. It really is great to be young and have the world at my feet!

I'm really going to have to get better at this!!

Here is 34 weeks along. Today I'm 34 weeks and 4 days. I am getting VERY uncomfortable and wake up a lot during the night because I just can't get to where I'm confortable. I sleep on my side, but I have to switch sides all the time because my hip hurts when I lay on it for too long.

I saw the doctor on Thursday. I was excited that it was my first doctors' visit where I was officially nicotine free. It's actually fairly easy to quit smoking when you are in a nonstressful environment! The doctors office up here seems to have pretty nice people working there.

I did get approved for Ohio Medicaid. They say I need to choose a plan here in the next few days. I'll have to figure that out Monday. The OBGYN I chose does not take Medicaid, but they plan on trying to get some of it covered through medicaid. I like this doctor, I don't want to switch doctors. I just have to see which the pediatrician I chose is on so his services will be covered.

I have another appointment on Thursday. He (Dr. Stockwell) wants to start doing weekly visits now. Fine with me! It's not as though I have a lot of other things to do! And I get nervous sometimes between doctors visits. A week is less time to get nervous in than 2 weeks or 4 weeks, which is the way it's been.

I did make a flyer to hang up at church today offering baby and pet sitting until I have the baby as something to do and a way to make a litte money. I hope I get a few calls. I have meetings, grooming Kandi everyday, and napping. I do try to relax when possible and just enjoy what little relaxing time I have left, but it's hard for me to do. I like having things to do! Plus a little extra money wouldn't hurt!

I looked at an apartment in Frankfort. I am hoping that I will be able to live in that complex, as it's VERY nice, in a nice neighborhood, and a decent price at $450/month including water, sewer, and trash. It's a very very nice apartment too. However, they only take deposits 30 days in advance at the most. I am really hoping to go there. The location of the particular apartment within the complex that is open now is even perfect! It would just be so nice to live where I want! It's in downtown Frankfort, walking distance from everywhere. I really hate the waiting game! Of all kinds! I guess what is supposed to happen will happen. God does know what he's doing!

I still feel anti-social and have been informed that it's natural for someone as pregnant as me to feel that way. So that is what I'm going to blame it on! :)

You know, this writing really does help. It helps me to organize my thoughts enough to think straight, which I often can no longer do. I feel like I may be a year sober, but I'm still a mess. I can hardly form a complete, somewhat meaningful sentence out loud without the possibility of crying. And I'm still fighting the whole turning it over to God thing. I just cannot focus on much of anything, though, except getting ready for this baby and putting a roof over her head and diapers on her butt! Writing at least does not require you to get it right the first time, the way speaking does.

I sort of find myself wishing a lot that I had a normal family. Like, a fiance that, you know, went to work and made a living and did what he had to do to provide for my child. Someone without any children from any former relationships just as fucked up as ours got...someone that fulfilled his responsibilities and did not inform me that he was making sacrifices simply by working. But, I don't. Kiley's dad is not those things. It's a little frustrating....I never wanted to do this myself. I wanted to graduate and get a big girl job and get married and buy a house (or at least be on my way to buying a house) AND THEN have a baby. I feel like it's all happening backwards. Poor child will not have a stable home with a daily routine for a while. I really do not LIKE simplicity when I look at it honestly.

I never could do things the "correct" way in the "proper" order. I started by falling for someone BEFORE I got to know him. Bad idea...love is really really blind. And it does not solve all things. And then I thought that you know, he hadn't done right by his other two kids but he would do right by mine just cuz it was MINE and mine would be SUPER special! I also thought I could depend on someone to support me who couldn't even support himself. That's my fault. I was crazy. See? Love is VERY blind. I will blame it on being young and dumb. I wonder if I will grow out of it or not? I don't know but I know even though I left, I still cannot walk away completely.

And now he's trying another way to get well and get things back on track. I hope it works. I am trying not to make plans based on hoping it works. I've done far too much of that. See? More of the "love is blind" theory. And oh, it is! I love hearing other girls talk about how they're too smart to fall for someone who has nothing of note to offer them. Cuz I was too!! I'm on the dean's list! Come on!! Uhh yeahh, girls are silly when it comes to boys. Retarded almost.

OH and I can get on an IUD form of birth control while I'm breast feeding! So, I talked to the OB about getting on Mirena when I have the baby. He thinks it's a good idea. With Mirena, you can keep it in for up to five years but you can take it out anytime you want to start trying for another. That's better than having to remember a pill everyday or a shot every few months! So, I think that's what I am going to do.

Wheww two dAYS in a row!!

We'll see if my computer decides to stay on. It will probably be a short post. I also don't know about the level of articulate.

I went to a barroom meeting this morning. I really enjoyed it. It was a speaker meeting. The speaker was a former crackhead and bag lady and is no a family counselor! That's quite a switch... and it shows that people CAN and DO change IF THEY WANT TO!!!

I hope Tobey wants to. I am trying not to let him consume me anymore, to do my own thing, work my OWN program. I'm doing better with that. Not great, but better. I miss him. He is finding his way. I hope he continues to. I'm also trying not to get my hopes up.

Well I'm tired. I'll try the articulate post thing tomorrow, and try to expand on what I have said.

And boredom set in...

The room is ready. I have to write thank you notes but those will take about an hour. Maybe. If that. I literally have nothing to do except go groom Kandi and go to meetings.

I have never been this bored in my life. I am still feeling antisocial. I almost can't wait for August and moving back to Frankfort! Well, not almost, I can't. I can't wait for July to get here, for the baby to come. There is literally nothing left to do. I'm good to go with 7 weeks to spare. I hope she chooses to hang on until then, anyways. I posted a blog on my other blog, my horse blog. I don't care about TV. I guess all that there is to do it get some reading done. Wow I'm boring....

If I were smart, I would take this time to relax and breathe. In fact, that's what I'm going to try to do. But I can honestly say that I do not have a clue how to do that. I have never done that in my life. It is HARD to do!!!!!!

I just don't know what to do with myself.

I guess I could write about my plans for me and my baby.

I know there is only so much planning that can be done, that life will happen and I will have to adjust my plans accordingly. That I should just stay in today (at least that's what people in the rooms of AA tell me). I believe that. I try to be flexible these days. Picking everything up and moving here shows flexibility, does it not?

But to be honest with you, if I did not go into things in life without some sort of a plan, I would go NUTS! It comforts me to have a basic plan, a basic outline for what is going to happen. It makes me feel secure. So I am going to go into this motherhood and moving to Frankfort thing with a plan in mind!

I plan to stay here until mid- August, at which point there's an apartment building on Capital Ave. I hope to move into.

I hope to work for my Equine Business degree from late August to early May and graduate with that degree in Mid May with a 3.7 cumulative GPA. I hope to get that internship at CHA and be able to do most of it from home.

I plan to move Kandi down to the barn in Shelbyville September 1st. I hope to be able to have time to ride her. I also want to ride on the team, but it's likely that I won't be able to take a riding class. I would like to ride with Bennie Sargeant a bit learning from him, and that may be the extent of my practice. That would be a conflict of interest except that him and coach are buddies. While I am riding, showing, and attending class, my hope is that Kiley's father is in a right state of mind to watch her.

I do not plan on working unless I can find a job which will prepare me for work in my chosen field. Otherwise, I will just make enough to pay for daycare and be away from my daughter more than what's necessary....what's the point when preparing for Kiley's and my future? I do hope the internship turns into a job opportunity or that I am able to find a decent job while interning. That would be ideal. I'm not going to hunt for jobs that are a waste of time, though. I may consider a few hours a week working with the tbred babies I raised last year or if I could possibly get a job riding for Bennie that was decent pay, that would be good too! Other than that, why be away from my kid if it's not to put something on my resume that is worth mentioning, or something that will turn into a full time job upon graduation.

I plan on finding a fulltime job with benefits asap next year before or upon graduation. That may not happen, but I will do my darndest. I plan on finishing up my accounting degree in Fall '11 so that in May '12 I can receive my accounting degree. I have been told that businesses are snatching up people with accounting degrees. Good to know! If I cannot find a well paying job in the equine industry, at least there's that.

I want to save until I can buy (or at least lease--probably a better option for the short term) a little farm and board some horses. I want a more competitive show horse, whether it be an AQHA all arounder or an NRHA horse. We'll see where the path leads me.

I'm hoping I can make enough money boarding that I can quit working while I go to law school. I also want to show more competitively...I have a lot of big dreams when it comes to horses. I am thinking now that I'd like to go to UK for Equine and Family Law. I just want to make enough so that eventually, I can afford nice horses and buy a little farm and not owe anyone a thing. I don't need a lot of extravagant things, I really don't. I just want to be happy. Law is something I think I would be good at, and I do think it would make me happy. I don't think being a CPA would make me happy.

I want to be a lawyer and show horses. Maybe one day I can cut back on law and train and show horses for people too. I'm not sure whether or not I really want to do it, but it could make me happy if I play it right and if I keep it simple....I would also like to run a horse transportation company one of these days, or open up a show arena. I want to help people enjoy their horses...

I guess that's more long term stuff. I also want to have a baby boy in 2-3 years. I have to be married and own a home, though. Those are my qualifications for having another baby. Find a house in foreclosure! There's plenty of those. I just don't want my babies to be too far apart and I want to be young and spry and not exhausted from practicing law when I have more kids. So NOT going to law school until I'm done having babies. That's another requirement.

FOR THE SHORT TERM. I plan on breastfeeding. For sure, without a doubt. No one will change my mind. I want to breastfeed until Kiley's at least 18 months, if not until 2, which the World Health Organization recommends. If I have another one when she's 2 I won't be able to breastfeed that long, but it's right for my baby to breastfeed as long as possible. I also plan on taking her off the bottle at one when she can drink cow's milk and giving her the sippy cup. Juice in the sippy before that. I'm not going to supplement with formula. Ever. Why the hell would I pay anyone money for something I can get for free?

I wonder if you can be on birth control while breastfeeding? Hmm...I hadn't thought much about it.

Those are my thoughts for now. I'll actually try to write again tomorrow. Maybe I'll be more articulate then.

I guess God knows what he is doing...

Just when it seems my life is finally falling into place is just when it decides to start to fall apart.

Tobey is struggling. Big time. I no longer want to bear the grunt of his struggling. It took me a long time to come to that conclusion because I love him so much and I want to give my daughter a real family. I know he has a good heart, but I also know he has an ugly, irresponsible, defiant streak and I don't think he's ready to be a full time dad and a full time support system. I don't know what I was thinking believing that I could rely on him to support me when he has never even supported himself- so I take the blame for that.

So I left and came home to Columbus...which means I had to back out of my internship and I have to REAPPLY when I go back in the fall. UGH!!! However, there's another opportunity for an internship at the Certified Horsemanship Association, most of which can be done from home. That may be my best bet, since I'm going to need to save money and gas in any way possible. It's pretty much doing the same thing, too. So while the workaholic, crazy part of me thinks, HEY! I should do both!, the side of me that is rational and rearing it's ugly head more and more says, "NO don't wear yourself out! Do not screw yourself by taking on too much!" This one could also turn into a job opportunity. It will look phenomenal on my resume, too!

I'm still worried about what to do for money...I still have to find a place to live...since now I won't be living with Tobey. Tobey is trying to get help, now. Maybe this time he really wants it, maybe not. I just know I can't rely on him for financial support. At all. Well, maybe a pack of diapers here and there, but not anything other than that. I want to know where money is coming from and where it is going. I didn't with Tobey. I think it'll be far less stressful this way. I still talk to him all the time. I still have no plans to be with anyone else. But I'm not going to live with him until and unless he really gets his shit together and has been supporting himself and helping me with Kiley for a good long while.

Not so good at keeping up...

I guess I was supposed to update this twice a week. You see how well that's worked out.

School is out. 4 A's and 2 B's later, maybe I can get the motivation to do this thing? I have no job. I am bored as can be. I see no reason why not.

I did land an internship (at the Kentucky Horse Council with the Equine Education and Welfare Department) 5 days a week to go from May 20 to June 30. Hopefully Baby Kiley holds on until then. *Fingers Crossed* In addition to office work, here is a list of projects I will be working on:

• Developing educational topics for the eNews, including researching, getting reprint permission, writing articles, etc.


• Creating fact sheets for events and the website


• Updating and adding pages to the website, as well as adding articles and events to the online database.


• Possibly attending meetings for the World Games and other events with the Dir of Education and Welfare and the Exec. Dir.

Of course, there's the fear of not being able to do all that, not only because I'm a recovering alcoholic and my life has always been completely motivated by fear, but also because by the end of the internship, I will be 38 weeks pregnant and I'm already forgetful and tired, not to mention UNCOMFORTABLE and tired! I'm also scared she will not hold on until then.

Oh, the internship is unpaid. And in Lexington. Gas money is a concern, since Tobey just lost his job. Money is not plentiful in my home AT ALL.

I can only hope this internship turns into some sort of job opportunity or a connection for a job opportunity. That would be the ideal situation. I have been buying out the baby department at stores to make sure the baby has all she needs when she comes. I even opened a savings account for her so that if I'm running low on cash, she won't just have to do without. I guess they call that a nesting instinct. I am pretty sure I won't have to go shopping for 6 months once she gets here.

I am worried about finding a daycare that will take her part time, or shit I'll even do full time if the state will pay for it; maybe I can get a job that way to take some of the financial stress off!!

I really don't want to settle for just any old job at this point....I want one with a future for me. That only makes sense since I'll be looking for one after graduation anyway. What's the point in finding a job i'll just be at for a few months when I need a big girl job soon enough anyway? I don't want something that will take me away from my daughter for no good reason.

I am also worried about Kandi. Not her, but paying for her. I can't sell her because of her temperament. Most people can't deal with it. My dad's been awesome, helping me with her a LOT financially the last year. I don't want to have to keep asking him to do that! Luckily, I found a place down here near Frankfort in Shelbyville about 20 miles away for her that's only $295/month for full care and a big old pasture to herself.
Add to that about $25/month for some M30,
about $150 every seven weeks for the farrier (yea, they're expensive here!),
$45/month for supplements,
$300 twice a year for the vet,
possibly another $100 every now and then for the chiropractor..... that ends up adding up to about $420/month. This doesn't include hoof treatment and linament....which isn't too expensive but still adds up! That's not too much if I didn't have this baby to think about, but when thinking about the baby, it seems like a million dollars!

I just hope that job comes sooner rather than later!!! PLEASE LET IT COME!!! Don't get me wrong, I know I have to do the dirty work, but I'll do that no problem....so long as the job openings come.

I'm also considering looking into earning my MBA after I receive my equine business degree....while I'm trying to earn my accounting degree. It would be doable. I just have to find out if they will let me. I'm guessing if I give them money they will let me.

Maybe it's better just to wait another year until I'm not technically my mother's dependent. UGHHHH so much to think about....perhaps I had better just try to work a year and establish my own income level so that I will get lots and lots of assistance!

I maybe should not try to jump the gun so much here! I'm notoriously bad for that....Who knows anyway? I may get lucky and get offered a $50,000/year job with just my bachelor's degree (which I will TOTALLY take by the way. Silly people thinking that's not enough right out of college.... I would like to smack them!!!!!!!!) I really don't like the idea of getting the MBA and the JD all at the same time like how I was thinking of doing. BAD PLAN!!!!!!!! Especially, I'm realizing, if I want to be useful as a mother and as a friend and as a regular human being. I want to be a good mommy, not an overworked mommy who always says I'll play later. That's how it has to be sometimes, but I'd like to make that less rather than more.

I do hope I can learn to relax...

Yeah, really not so good at it!

I just finished my job at H & R Block and am looking minimally for employment, but I'm not in too big of a hurry to find anything, since nobody hires a 7 month pregnant college student with pregnant brain!

I sent in a resume for Governor Beshear of Kentucky's gubernatorial campaign, a position organizing fundraisers. I got a call about an interview April 28th. I told them I was pregnant and would be having a baby in July and would that be a problem? **Update 5/14 they got back to me and said that it would be about 50+ hours a week. Yeah, not happening. They did say they would keep my resume on file. This would be a great job after graduation, depending on how it pays!

I'm also updating an application at Farmer's Bank for a part time teller's position and am considering applying for 5/3 Bank for the same position.

I'm hoping one of them will pan out, but if not I'm not in a huge rush to force a job. I need to learn to relax and worry about school before all else.

In other news (haha!), I only have two more weeks of school after this one and I COULD NOT BE MORE THRILLED!

I am so tired, which leads me to what else is going on....I'm tired of depending on people when I used to be so independent....my body just doesn't do what it used to and I don't have energy for basic things. Who knew growing life could be so exhausting?

I am being anti-social too....I'm just too tired to make an effort to have a conversation with anyone!! Part of it is probably clinical depression, but I think part of it is also just plain exhaustion!!!!!!!!

On another note, it amazes me what you can feel for your child....even before it's even born. I did not know I was capable of such strong emotion for anyone! It's beautiful, it really is!