Yeah, really not so good at it!

I just finished my job at H & R Block and am looking minimally for employment, but I'm not in too big of a hurry to find anything, since nobody hires a 7 month pregnant college student with pregnant brain!

I sent in a resume for Governor Beshear of Kentucky's gubernatorial campaign, a position organizing fundraisers. I got a call about an interview April 28th. I told them I was pregnant and would be having a baby in July and would that be a problem? **Update 5/14 they got back to me and said that it would be about 50+ hours a week. Yeah, not happening. They did say they would keep my resume on file. This would be a great job after graduation, depending on how it pays!

I'm also updating an application at Farmer's Bank for a part time teller's position and am considering applying for 5/3 Bank for the same position.

I'm hoping one of them will pan out, but if not I'm not in a huge rush to force a job. I need to learn to relax and worry about school before all else.

In other news (haha!), I only have two more weeks of school after this one and I COULD NOT BE MORE THRILLED!

I am so tired, which leads me to what else is going on....I'm tired of depending on people when I used to be so independent....my body just doesn't do what it used to and I don't have energy for basic things. Who knew growing life could be so exhausting?

I am being anti-social too....I'm just too tired to make an effort to have a conversation with anyone!! Part of it is probably clinical depression, but I think part of it is also just plain exhaustion!!!!!!!!

On another note, it amazes me what you can feel for your child....even before it's even born. I did not know I was capable of such strong emotion for anyone! It's beautiful, it really is!

So apparently I'm not too good at actually sitting down and doing it....

I finally am sitting down to do a little bit of writing because, you, know, it makes sense when you have to leave for work in twenty minutes but not when you have all evening! That would make too much sense...

The therapist said I should probably do this three days a week so I'm going to try to but we'll see if I can actually keep up with that. I tried to say I'll do it 5 times. I won't because I don't tend to try to dispell stress.....I like to sit in it. Typical alcoholic. Self pity is far more fun.

Pregnant brain sucks. I really really don't like it. I feel like an idiot. I will be in the middle of a sentence and FORGET WHAT I AM SAYING! It's ridiculous. It's no wonder at all women used to be laid up for nine months when they had a baby. Pregnancy makes a woman's brain useless!!! It's all over the place!!! No fun.

I have to be honest. I don't like being pregnant that much at all either. It not only means my brain's gone, but that my body that I worked so hard for is now doing whatever it wishes. I now weigh over 150. I have never. It means that the control freak in me that lives in so many alcoholics is NOT in control, let alone of my emotions. It means that I cannot RIDE which is the BEST stress release I have EVER found. Simply walking into a barn can make the whole world make sense and it DOESN'T without it. Some women love being pregnant. I can't wait to get this thing out of me. I don't think that makes me less of a woman, it's just who I am. I am a woman who uses my body to talk to horses. Not possible at this point. I love feeling my baby move. I can't wait to be a mom. The pregnancy part just isn't my cup of tea. I have a high pain tolerance, but I've been in pain more times than I care to remember while pregnant. I will do this one more time, two more if I don't get a boy next time. Then I'm tying the tubes. I can't do it. Two is already a year and a half of my life being uncomfortable and missing riding like none other.

Michelle Duggar is crazy!!!!! I don't get how she does it.....her hormones must be permanently fucked up...I can't see how she stays so calm!!!!!!!!!!!

Why Do I never write anymore?

While I am fully aware that the world probably doesn't care about the answer to this question, I do. A lot. And this blog is for my benefit, not yours.

When I was younger, say, before high school, I used to write all the time. I started about 47 novels that I never finished. I wrote poetry. I got through high school writing papers at the last minute and getting A's. My father's a journalist. It's in my blood. It used to be a stress release for me. It still is, but somewhere along the way I stopped writing.

I think I really stopped writing once high school started. A cliche as it sounds, I stopped writing when I lost myself. Normally high school is when you find yourself. That did not happen for me.. high school was torture. It was confusing. I did not fit in anywhere. It never fit. I slipped away into a person I would hate if I met on the street today. I did not really start finding myself until last summer, my 20th summer. I really haven't had anything to say since about 8th grade. Today I do have something to say. I have plans and dreams and it finally looks as though they are attainable. Not just because I'm working my way towards finishing a bachelor's degree.

You know how I was saying I didn't fit in anywhere in high school? You know where I fit just fine and dandy? In the bottle. Or in a joint. I tried to quit about 20 times. I thought alcoholics were just whiners and that addicts were just weak people. It took me finally realizing that I could NOT stop drinking and could NOT stop using, despite all my personal strength, to realize this wasn't true and that I was, in fact, an alcoholic and an addict.

A 12 step program and a spiritual way of life, as well as rigorous honesty are what saved me and allowed me to finally connect with who I am again. Today I have about 9 1/2 months sober. I am o grateful for it and I finally feel like writing again! That makes me feel like me again.

Being pregnant, I cannot ride horses, which is my number one stress release. I have to have a new stress release, so I am going to start writing again. I'm going to make a point of it. Horses are my first love, but I think that a happy person is a well rounded person. I want to try to be one again.