Well I got the 2nd interview at Bankers, went, and didn't get a third. I'm okay with that. I have realized from my internship and from that that what I DO NOT want to do is walk into an office and stare at a computer screen everyday.
I do not want to work in an equine related office and watch OTHER people enjoy their horses either. I WANT TO ENJOY MY HORSE.
Watching other people enjoy there's and being involved in those politics just doesn't interest me like I thought. I want a job that fits that. I do not know what I want to do. For someone who always knew what she wanted out of life, discovering that I have no freaking clue is scary.
The fact that I have a daughter to support that I don't want the state's help to support her is even more scary. For a couple weeks I was obsessively job hunting. I spent more time job hunting than on school work. I even put up a profile on a childcare site. I don't even WANT to do childcare. I can only handle other people's children in small doses.
I know I want to go to law school eventually, but not how to fund our lives and our healthcare in the meantime and during. I have decided to take it back a notch and JUST focus on school for now.
I even am considering the military. Not something I EVER thought I would ever consider, but it's not an office job and it's one I could be proud of and that Kiley could be proud of. Plus, I would never have to worry about being laid off. I promised my mom that I would move home and look full time for a job that would be fulfilling after I graduate but if the military still seemed the best option, that's what I would do. She isn't too happy about the military idea.
I have also considered a masters in english between now and law school. I think maybe I don't know what to do without school.
Nonetheless, whatever I do, I want to play with horses. Eventually training them would be my ideal goal, but I have about 10 more years of experiences and qualifying and thousands more dollars in showing to do first. I may not even be good enough. I may be able to start riding reiners with a guy in Indiana. I can only hope! I want to be able to buy a "starter" reiner for me in a year or two.
Or, maybe an all around horse. I don't know, but either way reiners and cow horses are what I really want to ride. And that takes money, especially if you want to show A circuit type shows, which I do.
That's what makes me think writing would be a good option. If I wrote a good enough book or books, I would make a decent living and have the flexibility to show a lot. Law also might be flexible enough eventually.
So much to think about....
ON another note, Kiley pulled herself up to her knees! Woo hoo! She tried it again and fell on her head though, so she hasn't been brave enough to do it again. She's getting there, though. I am so proud of her! Watching her grow up is an AMAZING ride!
2.12.2011
2.03.2011
Job Prospecting
Well, I have had two job interviews this week.
Tuesday was at Powers Agency, which provides supplemental benefits to Unions. They told me I would have 15-16 hour days. That would be a no go. I have to have time with my baby. Anyway, I wouldn't be able to start until May anyway and they want someone to start putting in those kinds of hours now. I can't do that EVER, let alone while I am in school.
Yesterday morning I interviewed at Banker's Life and Casualty. They help with retirement planning and medicaid supplements. I think I would like that, I always enjoyed older people. It also will mean a 6 figure income in a few years. It was an odd interview, a group interview. From the group, they take people they like and call for a second interview. I got a call for a 2nd interview this morning. I don't know that they will want me, since I want to go to law school, but apparently they liked me well enough to call me back. Either way, it would be a good position. I could afford nice horses and private school for Kiley! Oh, and benefits!!
While I would be thrilled landing a job at Bankers, I would also be okay with not getting that job. I am trying to let God take the wheel and be okay with life on life's terms, rather than stressing over life not happening on my terms. That is a constant struggle for me.
I also called Mike Craig, who owns and operates Craig Performance Horses. I may have a chance to train with him and get into reiners, which I have been wanting to do for a long time. With this job, I could afford to buy a reiner. Win!
Tuesday was at Powers Agency, which provides supplemental benefits to Unions. They told me I would have 15-16 hour days. That would be a no go. I have to have time with my baby. Anyway, I wouldn't be able to start until May anyway and they want someone to start putting in those kinds of hours now. I can't do that EVER, let alone while I am in school.
Yesterday morning I interviewed at Banker's Life and Casualty. They help with retirement planning and medicaid supplements. I think I would like that, I always enjoyed older people. It also will mean a 6 figure income in a few years. It was an odd interview, a group interview. From the group, they take people they like and call for a second interview. I got a call for a 2nd interview this morning. I don't know that they will want me, since I want to go to law school, but apparently they liked me well enough to call me back. Either way, it would be a good position. I could afford nice horses and private school for Kiley! Oh, and benefits!!
While I would be thrilled landing a job at Bankers, I would also be okay with not getting that job. I am trying to let God take the wheel and be okay with life on life's terms, rather than stressing over life not happening on my terms. That is a constant struggle for me.
I also called Mike Craig, who owns and operates Craig Performance Horses. I may have a chance to train with him and get into reiners, which I have been wanting to do for a long time. With this job, I could afford to buy a reiner. Win!
1.30.2011
And graduation is creeping up....
I started my FINAL semester! May 14, 2011 is only THREE AND A HALF months! Woo hoo!!
Senioritis has hit hard and I am looking forward to graduating. I get a little emotional thinking about it though, because it signifies the end of an era of my life. I mean, for about 17 years, I have gone to school, had homework, had part time jobs, but I have never had a degree that should officially make me capable of supporting myself. As in, I provide insurance, rent money, etc. I pay for the cell phone bill. I don't get to ask mom to help me with Kandi's board. It's me. I am responsible for making sure Kiley has what she needs too. I don't get to use the "I'm just a poor college student" excuse ever again. I am not complaining, it's just a little bitter sweet!
Last week, I posted my resume on CareerBuilder and got two seperate interviews. One company supplies benefits for unions and one helps with retirement planning. I don't hate those prospects...they seem like something that would be meaningful. One is on Tuesday at noon, one on Wednesday at 9:30.
These two interviews coming up have really got me thinking about and stressing over the future. I really want to go to law school in a year or two, but I don't know that I will be able to handle it financially until 3-5 years down the road. I am starting to think putting it off a little would be better because then I could save more and have less debt coming out of law school. I guess plenty of people wait 5 years. That would be okay, forgivable. I am the kind of person who wants it RIGHT NOW. Kind of like when I was drinking, I wanted to feel better RIGHT NOW and the feel of that whiskey coarsing through and warming up my veins helped me feel that way.
I want to write again. I may do a little more for CHA's publication, but I also want to write a book....and articles. I saw A Dog Year with Jeff Bridges last night and it sort of motivated me to start writing seriously again. I like writing and it would be something I could support myself with eventually while I showed more and more...maybe if I ever went pro I could support myself instead of relying on sponsors. I just lost my muse in high school and keep waiting for it to come back. Kiley inspires me sometimes, always when I don't have time to sit down and write. Riding inspires me a lot, especially after a good ride, but again I never have a moment to write at that point...
I want to write about horsemanship, good horsemen, innovative businessmen, honest lawyers, non career politicians, passionate people who fought for what they believe in, women who were brave enough to be mothers AND career women and who still stayed true to themselves, inspiring people, religious leaders, breastfeeding mothers, single mothers, compassionate people who tried to change things....basically, people who matter to the world. Modern day heroes.
Senioritis has hit hard and I am looking forward to graduating. I get a little emotional thinking about it though, because it signifies the end of an era of my life. I mean, for about 17 years, I have gone to school, had homework, had part time jobs, but I have never had a degree that should officially make me capable of supporting myself. As in, I provide insurance, rent money, etc. I pay for the cell phone bill. I don't get to ask mom to help me with Kandi's board. It's me. I am responsible for making sure Kiley has what she needs too. I don't get to use the "I'm just a poor college student" excuse ever again. I am not complaining, it's just a little bitter sweet!
Last week, I posted my resume on CareerBuilder and got two seperate interviews. One company supplies benefits for unions and one helps with retirement planning. I don't hate those prospects...they seem like something that would be meaningful. One is on Tuesday at noon, one on Wednesday at 9:30.
These two interviews coming up have really got me thinking about and stressing over the future. I really want to go to law school in a year or two, but I don't know that I will be able to handle it financially until 3-5 years down the road. I am starting to think putting it off a little would be better because then I could save more and have less debt coming out of law school. I guess plenty of people wait 5 years. That would be okay, forgivable. I am the kind of person who wants it RIGHT NOW. Kind of like when I was drinking, I wanted to feel better RIGHT NOW and the feel of that whiskey coarsing through and warming up my veins helped me feel that way.
I want to write again. I may do a little more for CHA's publication, but I also want to write a book....and articles. I saw A Dog Year with Jeff Bridges last night and it sort of motivated me to start writing seriously again. I like writing and it would be something I could support myself with eventually while I showed more and more...maybe if I ever went pro I could support myself instead of relying on sponsors. I just lost my muse in high school and keep waiting for it to come back. Kiley inspires me sometimes, always when I don't have time to sit down and write. Riding inspires me a lot, especially after a good ride, but again I never have a moment to write at that point...
I want to write about horsemanship, good horsemen, innovative businessmen, honest lawyers, non career politicians, passionate people who fought for what they believe in, women who were brave enough to be mothers AND career women and who still stayed true to themselves, inspiring people, religious leaders, breastfeeding mothers, single mothers, compassionate people who tried to change things....basically, people who matter to the world. Modern day heroes.
12.26.2010
Qualifications of Motherhood, or parenthood
I watch 16 and Pregnant a lot. It is one of my guilty pleasures. I think I relate to some of those girls. I was with a stupid guy who I thought I loved and was delusional enough to believe he loved me. I was not planning on getting pregnant. I worry about money and about finishing school. I find it easy to sympathize with them.
Some of those girls really take to motherhood with flying colors. They grow up to become mothers. Others are just not ready. It really makes me think about the fact that some people should not be allowed to have kids, and about what makes someone "qualified" to be a mother. I just don't believe that the ability to reproduce automatically qualifies you as a parent. I don't necessarily think I am completely qualified, so don't think I am preaching.
So, here are some vital characteristics I believe a person should have to become a parent:
-Goal- oriented
-Financially stable
-have basic life skills (having had a while to learn to budget, a stable home in which to live, basic maintenance skills, knowing when to ask for help and when to tough it out)
-have a stable relationship with his or her partner
-spirituality
-a sense of his or her impact on the earth
-ability to stick to a schedule
-selflessness
-eating right
-knowledge of child development- physical, mental, emotional
-the willingness to at least try breastfeeding
-emotional maturity
-willingness to be up all night with a sick child, then get up at 7 for a full day of work because you HAVE to
-realization that the purpose of having a child is to impart wisdom and provide love and basic needs, not as a form of validation to provide YOU with love
-willing to make sacrifices to provide his or her child with the best education possible
-able to set boundaries
I will, of course, add to this list as I think of things. Most young people simply don't have many, if ANY, of these characteristics. There are certainly areas where I am lacking.
That being said, I do believe someone who is willing to become those things and strives to become those things has a shot at being a pretty good parent. That means actively trying to become those things rather than just sitting back and waiting for them to happen. Life will never be ideal, but it is our jobs as parents to make it as close as possible. When someone choose to have a child, he or she chooses to grow up and make necessary changes. If he or she can't grow up, then maybe parenting isn't for him or her!
Sometimes I think that a lot of people parent too much by the results they want and less from instinct. That is hard not to do with the artificial world we are living in. However, I believe there will never ever be parenting shortcuts. A lot of the books say not to start a child on solids until 6 months. Well, That may be fine for most children, but I also read a lot about the symptoms of being ready for solids. At 3 1/2 months, Kiley was exhibiting all of them, so I started her on them. She has done wonderfully on them and I think waiting would have been a mistake. I didn't follow any book or talk to any doctor, I just knew she was ready and started her. If she had shown signs on not being ready once I tried to start, I would have had to stop. I use the books as a guide, but I don't use them as an end all- be all. I think that quality has been VERY important for keeping parenting low- stress.
Some of those girls really take to motherhood with flying colors. They grow up to become mothers. Others are just not ready. It really makes me think about the fact that some people should not be allowed to have kids, and about what makes someone "qualified" to be a mother. I just don't believe that the ability to reproduce automatically qualifies you as a parent. I don't necessarily think I am completely qualified, so don't think I am preaching.
So, here are some vital characteristics I believe a person should have to become a parent:
-Goal- oriented
-Financially stable
-have basic life skills (having had a while to learn to budget, a stable home in which to live, basic maintenance skills, knowing when to ask for help and when to tough it out)
-have a stable relationship with his or her partner
-spirituality
-a sense of his or her impact on the earth
-ability to stick to a schedule
-selflessness
-eating right
-knowledge of child development- physical, mental, emotional
-the willingness to at least try breastfeeding
-emotional maturity
-willingness to be up all night with a sick child, then get up at 7 for a full day of work because you HAVE to
-realization that the purpose of having a child is to impart wisdom and provide love and basic needs, not as a form of validation to provide YOU with love
-willing to make sacrifices to provide his or her child with the best education possible
-able to set boundaries
I will, of course, add to this list as I think of things. Most young people simply don't have many, if ANY, of these characteristics. There are certainly areas where I am lacking.
That being said, I do believe someone who is willing to become those things and strives to become those things has a shot at being a pretty good parent. That means actively trying to become those things rather than just sitting back and waiting for them to happen. Life will never be ideal, but it is our jobs as parents to make it as close as possible. When someone choose to have a child, he or she chooses to grow up and make necessary changes. If he or she can't grow up, then maybe parenting isn't for him or her!
Sometimes I think that a lot of people parent too much by the results they want and less from instinct. That is hard not to do with the artificial world we are living in. However, I believe there will never ever be parenting shortcuts. A lot of the books say not to start a child on solids until 6 months. Well, That may be fine for most children, but I also read a lot about the symptoms of being ready for solids. At 3 1/2 months, Kiley was exhibiting all of them, so I started her on them. She has done wonderfully on them and I think waiting would have been a mistake. I didn't follow any book or talk to any doctor, I just knew she was ready and started her. If she had shown signs on not being ready once I tried to start, I would have had to stop. I use the books as a guide, but I don't use them as an end all- be all. I think that quality has been VERY important for keeping parenting low- stress.
12.23.2010
Graduation fears
On May 14th, of 2011, I will be the recipient of a Bachelor of Arts in Equine Business. I am counting down the days, believe me! It's not even 5 months down the road!
I am looking forward to graduating, but I'm also having feelings of fear. I need to find a job when I graduate and I am nervous that I won't be able to find anything. I really want to find a job before I graduate. The thought of not having one when I graduate is absolutely daunting.
The game plan is to send out my resumes to as many equine-related organizations as possible and hope someone has an opening. I even plan on sending out resumes out of state. That is another thing that scares me: what if I have to leave the state? I won't know anyone, won't know the area...I am terrified. Will Tobey give me shit if that happens? Will he try to keep me from supporting my daughter? He probably will do no more than whine, but I still fear that possibility.
I also am fearful that my dreams about riding will take too long. I want to ride with the big dogs. I don't know whether I am good enough, but I at least want to try and find out. I do not want to spend my whole life wondering "what-if"? I want Kiley to watch her mother chase her dreams so she will never be afraid to.
These are just some of the thoughts that are going through my mind as my college career ends. I have always been in school. I don't know how not to be.
If I don't post again before Christmas, Merry Christmas!
I am looking forward to graduating, but I'm also having feelings of fear. I need to find a job when I graduate and I am nervous that I won't be able to find anything. I really want to find a job before I graduate. The thought of not having one when I graduate is absolutely daunting.
The game plan is to send out my resumes to as many equine-related organizations as possible and hope someone has an opening. I even plan on sending out resumes out of state. That is another thing that scares me: what if I have to leave the state? I won't know anyone, won't know the area...I am terrified. Will Tobey give me shit if that happens? Will he try to keep me from supporting my daughter? He probably will do no more than whine, but I still fear that possibility.
I also am fearful that my dreams about riding will take too long. I want to ride with the big dogs. I don't know whether I am good enough, but I at least want to try and find out. I do not want to spend my whole life wondering "what-if"? I want Kiley to watch her mother chase her dreams so she will never be afraid to.
These are just some of the thoughts that are going through my mind as my college career ends. I have always been in school. I don't know how not to be.
If I don't post again before Christmas, Merry Christmas!
12.17.2010
The last 5.5 months
I went into labor at 11:49 PM on July 4th after several contractions spaced throughout the day. It was an easy labor for about the 1st 15 or so hours....fairly easy contractions, or as easy as they can be. They were never more than 5 minutes apart though, some were only a minute or so apart.
I did not end up getting en epirdural, but when I came to the hospital I was between 3 and 4 cm dialated and my water had already broken. Since it was a high leak, I hadn't realized my water was broken because it was trickling as if it were just the rest of my mucus plug. So, they did administer pitocin despite my protests.
After about 15 hours, I was still only 5 cm. All of a sudden, I guess the pitocin kicked in because I started having one contraction on top of the other and, even if I had WANTED an epidural, there wasn't any time in between contractions to administer it. By 4:30 I was 8 cm (which they about had to hold me down to find out....I wasn't too in to being touched at this point) at which point I thought I was having a bowel movement and tried to push into the toilet. I was told to come back in, and, by this point 20 minutes later, I was 10 cm dialated. She was born after about 7 pushes as 5:10 PM naturally with no interventions at the hospital.
She had a knot in her cord. Since they are too big to do that after about 20 weeks, she had been living like that for most of my pregnancy. Luckily she had a long cord so it never pulled tight. She is an absolute miracle because that usually kills a growing fetus, since it doesn't allow blood flow. I had felt reduced movement the day before and I'm guessing that was why, because she had dropped. I did get stretchmarks the last few days when she dropped. I was so mad because I had made it so far and then, WHAM! But I'm grateful to have had a beautiful, healthy little girl!
Tobey is now out of the picture. He has been nothing but a pain before and since she was born. He is irresponsible and hardly deserving of such a little angel! I hope one day I can convince him to sign over his rights and, when I meet someone great, that he can adopt her and show her what a man and a dad looks like.
She is hilarious! Coughs just for reaction, laughs at the most random things, doesn't mind horses one little bit, is growing like a weed....She mastered nursing right away and we have been going strong nursing! She gained 15 oz the first 5 days home! Amazing little girl...
Some people have made rude comments about my nursing, but most have understood there is nothing dirty, unnatural, or especially intimate about it. It is a child's natural means of eating and the way God intended her to eat. If God had meant her to eat from a bottle, he would have made them himself. As it stands, man made bottles, God made boobs. My argument is, who do you think knows better? That's what I thought! To those who say it has nothing to do with God, you are wrong. God is very much a part of my breastfeeding relationship. He is something I celebrate when I nurse! He was good to us, gave me more than enough supply! It is, however, getting harder to nurse in public since she is older and more interested in her surroundings and gets very distracted. So, at this point, I do try to find a quiet little nook.
She talks up a storm and laughs as if she is seeing the more hilarious thing ever. I love it! She is such a little person! I am so in love with her!
I have realized I do NOT want a 2nd major in accounting. It is not a career for me. I do not like studying it at all, so I am thinking I wouldn't like doing it for a living. I also don't want to miss Kiley growing up. I don't want to spend all day working then come home and rush off to class. I love law, and I want to save my money and resources for law school.
I am very disappointed with this last semester. I was only able to get a 2.9 GPA because they raised the grading scale so that 93+ is an A, 86-93 is a B, and so on...and I just couldn't pull a couple of them up to B's. I am very disappointed, but I suppose I can't be too hard on myself since Kiley still isn't sleeping through the night, doesn't nap, I was taking care of her unless I was in class 6 hours a week, and I only was able to do homework from 8-12 at night. This semester was mostly accounting, and I am just not interested enough in accounting to kill myself like that!
Next semester, I will have an internship and classes during the day. I will try to get all my schoolwork done then because she will be in daycare. Then, nights, mornings, and weekends will be just for Miss Kiley! I think my sanity will be appreciative!
Being a single mom is the hardest, most rewarding thing I have EVER done. I am SO glad not to have Tobey around. I truly believe life would be so much more stressful with him around because he is like a child; he is incredibly self- centered! So, yes, life is good. I have some regrets, but I try not to dwell on them. I think anyone who says that they have no regrets is a big fat liar!
I did not end up getting en epirdural, but when I came to the hospital I was between 3 and 4 cm dialated and my water had already broken. Since it was a high leak, I hadn't realized my water was broken because it was trickling as if it were just the rest of my mucus plug. So, they did administer pitocin despite my protests.
After about 15 hours, I was still only 5 cm. All of a sudden, I guess the pitocin kicked in because I started having one contraction on top of the other and, even if I had WANTED an epidural, there wasn't any time in between contractions to administer it. By 4:30 I was 8 cm (which they about had to hold me down to find out....I wasn't too in to being touched at this point) at which point I thought I was having a bowel movement and tried to push into the toilet. I was told to come back in, and, by this point 20 minutes later, I was 10 cm dialated. She was born after about 7 pushes as 5:10 PM naturally with no interventions at the hospital.
She had a knot in her cord. Since they are too big to do that after about 20 weeks, she had been living like that for most of my pregnancy. Luckily she had a long cord so it never pulled tight. She is an absolute miracle because that usually kills a growing fetus, since it doesn't allow blood flow. I had felt reduced movement the day before and I'm guessing that was why, because she had dropped. I did get stretchmarks the last few days when she dropped. I was so mad because I had made it so far and then, WHAM! But I'm grateful to have had a beautiful, healthy little girl!
Tobey is now out of the picture. He has been nothing but a pain before and since she was born. He is irresponsible and hardly deserving of such a little angel! I hope one day I can convince him to sign over his rights and, when I meet someone great, that he can adopt her and show her what a man and a dad looks like.
She is hilarious! Coughs just for reaction, laughs at the most random things, doesn't mind horses one little bit, is growing like a weed....She mastered nursing right away and we have been going strong nursing! She gained 15 oz the first 5 days home! Amazing little girl...
Some people have made rude comments about my nursing, but most have understood there is nothing dirty, unnatural, or especially intimate about it. It is a child's natural means of eating and the way God intended her to eat. If God had meant her to eat from a bottle, he would have made them himself. As it stands, man made bottles, God made boobs. My argument is, who do you think knows better? That's what I thought! To those who say it has nothing to do with God, you are wrong. God is very much a part of my breastfeeding relationship. He is something I celebrate when I nurse! He was good to us, gave me more than enough supply! It is, however, getting harder to nurse in public since she is older and more interested in her surroundings and gets very distracted. So, at this point, I do try to find a quiet little nook.
She talks up a storm and laughs as if she is seeing the more hilarious thing ever. I love it! She is such a little person! I am so in love with her!
I have realized I do NOT want a 2nd major in accounting. It is not a career for me. I do not like studying it at all, so I am thinking I wouldn't like doing it for a living. I also don't want to miss Kiley growing up. I don't want to spend all day working then come home and rush off to class. I love law, and I want to save my money and resources for law school.
I am very disappointed with this last semester. I was only able to get a 2.9 GPA because they raised the grading scale so that 93+ is an A, 86-93 is a B, and so on...and I just couldn't pull a couple of them up to B's. I am very disappointed, but I suppose I can't be too hard on myself since Kiley still isn't sleeping through the night, doesn't nap, I was taking care of her unless I was in class 6 hours a week, and I only was able to do homework from 8-12 at night. This semester was mostly accounting, and I am just not interested enough in accounting to kill myself like that!
Next semester, I will have an internship and classes during the day. I will try to get all my schoolwork done then because she will be in daycare. Then, nights, mornings, and weekends will be just for Miss Kiley! I think my sanity will be appreciative!
Being a single mom is the hardest, most rewarding thing I have EVER done. I am SO glad not to have Tobey around. I truly believe life would be so much more stressful with him around because he is like a child; he is incredibly self- centered! So, yes, life is good. I have some regrets, but I try not to dwell on them. I think anyone who says that they have no regrets is a big fat liar!
Kiley
That picture is newborn Kiley. Isn't she beautiful?
She was born July 5th at 5:10 PM after 17 1/2 hours of labor. She was 6 lbs 6.6 oz, 19.5 in long, and head circimpherence of 12 3/4 if I remember right. She was a natural birth.
I will write another post later about the labor, birth, and the last 5 months.
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